Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Accepting circumstances that are out of my hands is one of the hardest challenges to my peace of mind.
The ability to let go, release control, and move on;
It’s why I yoga.
I need to hit the mat!
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Therefore I’m fat.
I do yoga;
On a mat.
All the stretching, meditation, and sweat isn’t enough;
My inner peace is currently surrounded by a thick protective layer.
It’s time for a detox: mind, body, soul.
Monday, October 16, 2017
We sat for 15 minutes enduring the crashing, screeching noise of information and (the end of privacy as we knew it) transmitting into the vast unknown.
My point, why––in the 21st Century––do I still have to wait to get online?
And why is a 3-year-old computer as obsolete as a VCR?
Sunday, October 15, 2017
I’m not sure who is snoring louder––my dogs or my husband.
The crisp air snaps my arm back under the covers;
I should get up and start my day.
Then I remember it’s Sunday.
For a moment I contemplate falling back into my slumber;
But the allure of walking to Starbucks on this perfect fall morning is stronger;
I roll out of bed, throw on a hat, and bully myself into starting the day.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Friday, October 13, 2017
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Why do I crave ink all over a calendar?
If I’m not overachieving, am I really succeeding?
Like a dancer falling out of a pirouette, I crave balance.
A deep breath and back to the mat;
Meditation for the mind, body, and soul.
Uncomplicated; life is how we react to it.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Monday, October 9, 2017
Confident in my path, and present enough to understand that both past and future are never NOW.
Accepting balance and appreciating the magic in the unknown;
My journey continues to reveal itself in bountiful ways beyond my childhood imagination.
Victories and setbacks––which have shaped my life––continue to motivate me and remind me to trust the circumstance that I’m confronted with today; with calm confidence.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
The sky outside my hotel window;
The color of the eggs at the hotel continental breakfast.
The feeling I have inside remembering that this is my last weekend of travel for a month!
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Friday, October 6, 2017
I’m reminded of the power that can be harnessed from the present.
Every tremendous victory that I’ve accomplished in my life––both personally and professionally––happened when I least expected it.
The moment I released expectation and accepted what is.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Tomorrow offers false expectations and hopes;
Yesterday provides unfair comparisons;
The present offers all there is––good or bad––and the opportunity to triumph.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Whilst drinking expensive coffee and laughing at each other’s jokes.
Every opportunity starts the same way:
Twenty minutes talking about the weather, kids, and current events;
And then––a five minute pitch.
You hope you made an impact.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Monday, October 2, 2017
No doubt an act of homegrown terror; whether over race, religion, or perhaps he was just a very sick person.
Regardless, his access to a deadly weapon––one that so easily showered hundreds of unknowing and guiltless humans with death and injury––should have been prevented.
We have to unite as Americans and stand up for better gun control.
And while we’re at it, we need to do more to help the millions of people who suffer from mental illness.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Walking a tightrope between overachieving and slacking off;
Giving myself the space to breathe and trust.
My need to push and fight––validated at some point during my childhood––has inspired me to reach for the impossible, and achieve my goals.
The million dollar question, “Would I have ended up in the same place had I not fought with all of my force?”
That’s what I’m exploring, NOW. Finding the present in 2017;
It’s been exhausting.
It requires Faith.
And letting go;
I have to allow time for the things that I’ve worked so long and hard for, to find their creative vibration and lead me to my next endeavor.
I’m not treading water, I’m sailing with the current towards my dreams.
Saturday, September 30, 2017
There isn’t a breath deep enough to endure a technological breakdown.
I don’t care what “doctors say”, and Apple a day just leads to frustration.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Lost in the deepest cave of thought;
Seeking answers that will only be discovered when the time is necessary.
Demanding resolution––but acknowledging that the end is just the beginning.
These little things feel so much bigger now; but they won’t in time.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
The chaos which lead to overwhelming and stressful situations;
Stifled creativity and quick to agitation;
Feeling uninspired and questioning my path.
Then––a deep breath and a flicker of presence.
A charge of motivation; I took action.
The work wasn’t brilliant––but necessary.
Throughout the darkness, I continued to search for light.
Radiating beyond the thick haze of frustration and fear––I found my voice, again.
I was fortunate to spend last week setting a new piece of choreography on the dancers at Slippery Rock University.
Their exuberant idealism and energy recharged my soul giving me the opportunity to release my thoughts and emotions on a canvas of talented artists.
The brought my journey, my choreography, to life.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Meanwhile, many of the people who support a president who dodged serving in the military and continues to do business with countries who would love to see our freedom destroyed, will preach that people should just “do their job.”
What if someone was going to take away your Second Amendment right, would you still demand that people remain silent?
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Friday, September 22, 2017
I get to tell stories; my childhood dream has manifested into a career.
Dance runs in my veins.
I used to choreograph in grocery stores; now I set work on professional companies.
I’m living proof that passion, dedication, and determination will always lead to opportunities.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
My body feels stronger just looking at the evil machine.
My ass burns with every step up––no doubt punishment for the extra Ranch dressing I ordered last night.
I may not like the extreme excessive, but I know it’s enhancing my posture and personality (when I look good, I’m sassy!)
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
The perfect metaphor for my life.
True happiness is working in a city where your best friend lives;
Falling asleep mid-sentence, on a couch in their studio (their house is under construction), after a 10 hour day of traveling.
I’m up and ready to start choreographing!
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
I’m a sucker for a competition.
One can never spend too much time working on their mental, physical, or emotional health; but perhaps posting a leader board––with everyones class attendance––was a good thing, might want to revisit the whole, “Zen” thing.
Still, if a competition exists, you better believe I’m up for the challenge.
Too bad my body isn’t!
I need a day of hot water and bath salts.
My body is wrecked.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Sunday, September 17, 2017
I can almost see the cartoon-like waves of steam and rich caffeinated goodness.
The enticing bean is the only reason I’m able to coax myself out of bed; and away from my cuddling puppies.
I’m an addict.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Friday, September 15, 2017
Simply channel your tools: breathe, smile, and binge eat a breakfast burrito from your favorite morning restaurant...
Thursday, September 14, 2017
I sit in a chair waiting;
The anxiety of a doctors office never dissipates.
So basically all of the self discovery books that I’ve studied, meditated over, and applied to my life are wasted on a moment like this.
It’s a simple procedure—I keep telling myself this—yet I can’t shake the fear of the unknown.
I return to the breath; it’s shallow—like my ego—I’ve got more work to do.
It’s remarkable what we learn about ourselves in a hospital waiting room.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
I’m forced to drink my food today.
Juices, broths, and supplement drinks; delicious!
Maybe sarcasm will help me through my “cleanse.”
And by cleanse, I mean preparation for a medical procedure.
Welcome to adulthood.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
I shared my work with total fearlessness.
The response was overwhelmingly positive.
In one instant, my years of training, struggle, tenacity was validated in the most honest and important way; a confirmation of what I’ve always believed in my heart––and why I’ve never given up.
I was reminded that I am an artist and I create because I’m meant to.
And even if only for another day, week, month, year––it was the encouragement I needed to keep on going.
Monday, September 11, 2017
Four airplanes––carrying unsuspecting passengers of every race, faith, political and socioeconomic background––penetrated landmarks in our country.
We came together to help those who lost, love those who were afraid, and support the heroes who served.
The pain, confusion, fear, and anger of that devastating day, when American soil faced the stain of global terrorism, has not escaped our memory;
But our hearts and minds have been hardened again as a country.
Now is not a time to allow powerful people to manipulate our present, because of our past; we must stand together––again––with compassion, love, Faith, acceptance, and equality.
We are stronger together; UNITY.
Sunday, September 10, 2017
Saturday, September 9, 2017
I slept in this morning.
I skipped my daily rituals and I’m rushing to yoga;
Where I’ll probably go back to sleep on my mat.
Friday, September 8, 2017
“If I feel tortured and angry, then I won’t feel guilty about living so far away from my family.”
I woke up next to my pool with the sun on my face;
The gentle breeze reminded me that the present moment doesn’t require judgement. I smiled and focused on the beautiful week I spent with my sister and niece, and then jumped into the pool.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Twenty years ago––when I ventured out on my own to pursue my dreams––I had the startling realization that I was embarking on a path that would keep me away from my family, more that it would allow me time with them.
That choice has been something I’ve struggled with immeasurable times; holidays, family gatherings, graduations, the loss of loved ones––the sacrifice is real.
Thankfully, just under ten years ago, I found a new approach to my time away. It was just after my grandpa passed; before he died he explained how proud he was of me, he offered me this, “Don’t be sad, Matt––this is a part of life. You’re doing wonderful things, go and live your life.”
On his deathbed, grandpa gave me the permission to continue to follow my dreams, and the tools to find joy in every moment.
Yoga helped me with the next monumental discovery:
The present moment is all we have.
So, I’ve spent the past 10 years (trying––and more often than not succeeding) finding the positive in every circumstance.
My sister and niece’s visit was a brilliant week of laughter, love, creativity, and bonding.
The beach (twice!), Disneyland, getting my niece’s ears pierced, trips to the mall, the Farmer’s Market, visiting with childhood friends, eating at delicious restaurants, and Griffith Park Observatory were just a few of the adventures we shared.
But my favorite moments were swimming in our swimming pool––watching Jeff teach Kellyn how to swim; or sitting with my niece in the living room and helping her with her homework––she’s so bright; or cuddling on the couch and hearing my niece’s beautiful joyous laughter––I appreciate animated movies in a new way, now; watching my sister swim in the ocean––she looked so peaceful and free, it reminded me of watching her as a child, I love her so much; and my favorite moment: watching my sister as a mommy––patience, love, encouragement, humor, wisdom, confidence... my niece is in perfect hands.
It’s hard to believe that two years ago my sister was stuck in a hospital bed re-learning how to talk, eat, and walk.
I feel so blessed for this visit, and while saying goodbye is so brutal, I’m happy that I got to say hello. I will hold onto the positive memories while I’m dropping them off at the airport today, and for the rest of my life!
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
My belly is full of junk;
My wallet is empty;
My camera is full;
My niece and sister are happy;
My inner child is crying because it’s over;
My inner adult is laughing because we had a blast but I need a full day to recover:
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Okay, I’m sure it can be done...but why on earth would you allow yourself to be in a bad mood at the Happiest Place on Earth?
My sister turns 37 years old today, and I’m so grateful that I get to spend the day with her, my niece, and my husband.
My sister has endured and conquered so many obstacles in her life; from cancer to a coma and everything in between, and she’s alive and well.
Even at 5 a.m. I’m smiling from ear to ear, because we’re about to embark on a day of laughter, junk food, rides...and of course, a lot of princess pictures with my 6 year old niece! *Hopefully some of the Disney princesses will pose with her, too.
Monday, September 4, 2017
Even after a massive spread including: popcorn, chips, dips, pizzas, salads, cookies, caramels, chocolates, cupcakes, candy, and a second round of pizza... my 6 year old niece was still hungry.
Apparently so was I!
I ordered the Number 2 (two cheeseburgers, large fries, and a coke) AND I added a four piece chicken McNuggets––because ya know, why not?
It's the exact meal I ate in high school. Everyday.
And I wondered why I had a weight issue.
Sunday, September 3, 2017
Saturday, September 2, 2017
I love waking up in the mornings and reading self-discovery books. I’ve read so many personal growth books that I should be a Zen Master; yet here I sit, questioning my path.
I close my eyes and deepen my breath. That feeling in my stomach isn’t gas––okay it might be, because my family is in town and we’ve been eating a lot of rich meals––still I understand that the knot in my stomach is from conflict.
This morning, while reading the “Power of Now” I came across that simple reminder above. I smiled and let go of all the noise in my mind.
My sister and niece are in town for a short time; all the drama and lists, and goals, and work, and worry can wait; I’m going to meditate and enjoy my day!
Friday, September 1, 2017
Sandcastles, swimming, seashell collecting, and too much sun with my niece, sister, and husband.
Watching my 6 year old niece discover sand crabs for the first time reminded me of my sister and me growing up––we would collect the sea creatures and keep them in a plastic aquarium that my dad bought us from a pet store.
Looking back I can see how inhuman it was to bring those little crabs back to our house––we thought that the ocean water and seaweed we gathered in the tank would sustain their lives––of course, we were wrong.
Fortunately, my sister and I learned our lesson and taught Kelly (my niece) that it’s better to observe the lives of all animals in their natural habitat.
She watched the crabs burrow back into the sand and picked up her bucket and started building a sandcastle.
That’s the beauty of childhood, you can let go of something and move onto the next activity without much thought or emotion; just let go.
It was so wonderful to watch my sister and niece enjoy the ocean together; the healing energy of the waves and the invigorating rays from the sun lead to a family bonding moment.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
It’s the total escape from reason; pure free flowing energy, which helps me stay focused and present.
Not just for teenaged drama queens (although I was that, too), journaling is my therapy.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
In honor of the visit, Shiree decided to surprise Kellyn with a trip to the mall; Claire’s to be exact.
Anyone who has a daughter or grew up gay in the 90′s knows that Claire’s is the place for ear piercing.
When Kellyn found out why she was there, she jumped with joy and then her face washed with fear. “Is it going to hurt?” She asked concerned.
I promised it wouldn’t hurt worse than a shot... that seemed to satisfy her trepidation.
Once she picked out her earrings, she sat in the chair, the Claire’s “piercing experts” cleaned her ears and made a dot with a marker to ensure perfect placement.
While my sister held the iPhone to capture the momentous event, I held my nieces hand and Uncle Jeff kept Kellyn distracted with positive dialogue.
The Claire’s “piercing experts” conversed privately, deciding to pierce on count 2 (not three), and then they counted down.
1, 2, punch!
Kellyn didn’t even realize they’d pierced her ears.
I said, “It’s all done.”
She smiled and said, “It’s over?”
When we returned home, we couldn’t find Kellyn. I quietly snuck up on her gazing at her reflection––and newly pierced sparkling ears––in the guest bedroom mirror.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Disneyland, pool parties, and coloring books galore!
Growing up my sister was my best friend (minus a few troubled high school years), and I’m so grateful that we continue to cultivate our relationship.
She’s the strongest person I know; fighting through cancer, a coma, and questionable haircuts...
I’m excited for a week of laughter, eating too much, and movie-night slumber parties in our living room.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Last night I was in a room surrounded by my peers;
Talented, creative, loving, loud, obnoxious (in a magnificent way), and supportive.
Who says dancers are bitchy?
Oh, right... me in my 20′s.
Thankfully, people grow up.
I’m honored to be a working artists.
Sunday, August 27, 2017
My summer tour has come to an end.
All of the complaining about airports, sleepless nights in uncomfortable hotel beds, and borderline diabetic food options (without a trace of leafy greens) will come to an end.
What will I complained about now?
Most likely I'll moan about my dwindling bank account, because as much as I loath 14 hour days on the road—my pockets really appreciate the jingle.
For now, I'll find bliss on my butt, binge-watching Netflix while detoxing on lettuce, apples, and water with lemon.
After a week of irresponsible bum-like behavior I'm confident that my Type-A personality will demand that I motivate and make things happen.
That's the trouble when you're an overachiever; it's impossible to stop pushing.
So I'll find my Zen in yoga, and start the whole process again.
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Born from a desire to achieve greatness––before I understood what that really meant––I bullied myself to be perfect.
Eventually learning (and accepting) that magic is harnessed through imperfection; I refocused my approach.
Perspective is everything.
My journey has enabled me to evolve as a person and artist; grounded, confident, and fearlessly manifesting my dreams.
Still coaxing myself to reinvent my life––not out of fear––but of desire, to depart from this world as the best version of “me” I can be.
Friday, August 25, 2017
Thursday, August 24, 2017
I continue to extract answers through my creative work.
In what I haven’t yet achieved, I find the response I’m looking for:
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
We laughed, while enjoying sparkling rosé and grapes.
Just like the ancient Roman’s––minus the corruption, brutality, and servants fanning us with giant leaves.
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
I started to get in my head about my technique and performance, and then I remembered to trust my training and just have fun.
When I let go of the idea of what I thought I needed to be for the part, I found who I am in the part; finding my swagger in the freedom of a character.
It’s the entire reason I started acting in the first place, but as I grew older––and experienced more circumstances––I lost track of my fearless approach.
Whether I book the role or not is less important to me, than the self-discovery I remembered yesterday.
I’m craving more opportunities to create as a performer; time to start shooting content again!
Monday, August 21, 2017
Everything is possible.
In the early morning hours I spend my time in mediation––clearing my head (and heart) of the past––preparing for the present.
Mindfully, I work to release the energy of things that no longer serve me;
Faithfully, I breathe in the sliver of light that cracks on the horizon.
A fresh start.
A chance to reawaken my dream.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Friday, August 18, 2017
Thursday, August 17, 2017
My adrenaline spikes giving me the extra push I need.
Creativity and excitement surround my body carrying toward the goal.
With every race I grow stronger; mentally, emotionally, physically––and most important (to me)––creatively.
The journey; climbing hills, pacing myself around corners, releasing the obstacles––it’s all been worth it.
It’s not about finishing, it’s about evolving.
But the end looks very appetizing.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
The rain punishes the earth as we glide across the road.
Then, without warning, the sky opens to a bright-blue-Hemsworth;
The sunshine radiates the green fields; all is well.
Reminding me again, that no storm lasts forever.
Monday, August 14, 2017
I woke up to birds chirping and remembered that––although I’m not at home––I get to spend my week doing something I love.
I’m dancing and choreographing alongside one of my closest and oldest friends;
We’ve grown together as artists and people and we still find new opportunities to push ourselves and our relationship.
So while I’m suffering from exhaustion––thanks to six weeks on the road––I’m so grateful that the end of my summer touring schedule ends with a solid creative endeavor... and a lot of laughs!
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Friday, August 11, 2017
As a young dancer my body was always ready to jump, pirouette, and jazz walk across the floor;
Now that I'm old, I need to do a few stretches, just to get out of bed!
I find that the most effective warmup—for me—is black coffee.
I'm joking of course, but not really.
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Monday, August 7, 2017
The bass kicks in and leads my soul, while the lyrics simultaneously instruct my body to turn, leap, and transition across the floor.
In the studio, everything makes sense.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Saturday, August 5, 2017
Yesterday was a life changing moment for me and my family;
We spend so much time obsessing about “how” and “when”, we forget to trust in the present.
Over the past six months I’ve been slowly releasing my hold on one specific life-long dream, and the second I moved beyond the fear, the dream manifested in a direction I never saw coming.
God, The Universe, the present––always provides.
I’ve noticed that once I accept what is, I find a trail to what can be;
I’m ready for the next chapter in my life; literally and figuratively.
Let’s do this!
Friday, August 4, 2017
Naturally, I took it home and popped it into the refrigerator, where it sat waiting for me to consume it until today!
How lucky to have a Starbucks crafted drink ready to greet my day at home.
Thursday, August 3, 2017
I’m sad I had to wake up, I was accepting an Emmy for my stellar work as a choreographer.
It was hard to accept that it was just a dream, but I’m happy to know that my dream is still alive––even if it’s while I’m sleeping––and more importantly, that I continue to follow my passion.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
She spends her day walking from the couch, to my lap, to her bed, to our bed, and back to my lap––taking very few steps in between.
The only time she’ll get excited is when the word “cookie” is mentioned;
She jumps four feet off the ground, gobbles the delightful dog treat, and jumps back into my lap––snoring within two minutes.
Why can’t I have that life?
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Until the green leafy branches are trimmed back––revealing an even more gorgeous view of the Hollywood Hills––then I am reminded that everything looks better when we cut back...
Monday, July 31, 2017
My grandma used to tell me, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."
I've used her words throughout my life and career; a benchmark in the way I conduct myself professionally.
I stand up for myself—even when it's unpopular and inconvenient—because I refuse to enable a person in a powerful position to take advantage of another person just because they think they can.
No job or relationship is worth being treated without the same respect that you would treat your grandmother with; period.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
But I gave my best effort today.
I just woke up from an 12 hour coma.
Feeling rested and ready to go take a nap on the couch with my puppies.
It’s a lazy Sunday––I might feel guilty––if I hadn't just spent the past three weeks waking up at 6 a.m. and working until 11 p.m.
Finding balance on the road is challenging, now that I’m home for a few days, I’m going to celebrate my inner bum.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Past the self-doubt, fear, and anxiety;
I found peace (again) in the light.
The present is here, ready to welcome me and free my soul from the commotion of yesterday and the uncertainty of tomorrow.
Today I am awake;
Grateful for the adventure and ready for unexpected opportunities.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Monday, July 24, 2017
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Saturday, July 22, 2017
As the Uber coasted around the mountain bend, I could feel the calming energy of the lake penetrating my skin;
Further into Lake Tahoe, the endless chatter in my mind subsided and I felt my inner peace return; it has been missing for a few weeks.
Like anyone, I face momentary setbacks.
I spend so much time hustling, creating, pushing for my artistic ambitions to meet their destiny;
Often, I forget that I have no control over the journey.
Only how I react to my circumstances is within my grasp; and without Faith, light, hope—I lose my step.
Now, emerging back into the present, I feel the weight lift, the sky above Heavenly Village is just that, a gift from God.
I am here.
My past cannot be changed and tomorrow will bring the demands of tomorrow.
Today, I found my Zen; again.
Friday, July 21, 2017
Thursday, July 20, 2017
I fell asleep last night with the joyful anticipation of a sunrise walk to the Starbucks Coffee shop, which is located four blocks from the hotel.
I’m not sure my need for caffeine supersedes my desire to stay dry.
It’s the day of the show and if I don’t get my Venti Soy Latte, I might cry.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
I have the tools, faith, and ability to find my way to light;
The power is in the choice:
Release the past and find your way into the light,
Or, live with negativity, and fall deeper into the depression.
Deep breath; let it go.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Monday, July 17, 2017
The creative process is often a delicate balancing act of pushing past our limitations and accepting the present for what it has to offer.
Like my grandpa used to say, “if you want to do it, do it––if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.”
There is no stopping the power of creativity; it is a force that––once in motion––cannot be stalled.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
I smiled a simple, unforced smile at myself in the mirror while I was shaving and I remembered how positive and full of light I can be.
It’s a choice to be present and positive;
Darkness, doubt, fear, and anger are all readily accessible; seeking a target who is willing to spend more living in the past––I refuse to give in without a vicious fight––and find my way to the present.
I have no concern for how many times I will re-learn this lesson (as often as it takes to find balance and a brighter outlook), it’s my mission to live in the present with unconditional love, fearlessness, and Faith.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Deposit my paycheck,
Choreograph my next piece,
Edit a short film,
Eat a healthy meal,
Consume two Starbucks beverage (at different locations,
Change my wardrobe,
Return business calls,
Respond to an overloaded email inbox,
And finish my morning meditation while working a short yoga phrase—which I record and post—for social media!
Friday, July 14, 2017
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Today, I’m challenge with a lack of sleep and a line too long at Starbucks;
I wil have to face The Force of an entire crew dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character––on a cup of weak hotel coffee.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
But it does the trick when you cannot get to a room that has been adequately heated and saturated with the perfect blend of humidity and hot bodies (literally and figuratively).
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Still in a Netflix haze––binge watching Glow––had me body slamming pillows all night long.
My roommate finishes getting ready in the bathroom, while I check my Instagram account, trying to commit to getting up.
If I want to avoid another ten minute Starbucks line, I’ve got to get my ass in the shower...
Sleeping in is not an option on tour.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Sunday, July 9, 2017
The truth on tour is that I dearly miss my family and every second I'm away from them feels like an open wound.
Today I board a red-eye into the storm of a three week tour;
The glamorous life begins, and so I mask my sadness behind a facade of white teeth—which I paid top dollar for—and I celebrate the fact that I get paid to live my dream.
The present sometimes requires a delusional bliss; the paycheck helps, too!
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Life is too short to give a shit about other people’s judgments of you (no matter how important they think they are), trust yourself and plan an exit strategy accordingly.
Friday, July 7, 2017
Endless hours of time invested on my yoga mat;
Meditation and prayer are a constant in my mind and soul;
Still, I struggle to be present.
The work of the ego is as mighty as the Devil at weeklong Bible retreat in the south; and more destructive, too.
When I give in to the unrealistic demands of my ego, I seek more; more money, more jobs, more opportunities, more, more, more!
A catastrophic path that leads to a miserable life.
The annihilation can be avoided by getting out of my head and back to the present.
When I use the tools: breathe, release, trust, and find light––I return to the finest version of myself––present and ready for anything.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
I think when I get over something I never look back;
But if I let something go, I always wonder if I’ve released it too soon...
I can get over my reaction to a circumstance, but I can never seem to let go of the person or path that lead me to react in the first place.
My goal this year is to learn how to really let go of the energy that no longer serves me; it’s a simple practice in getting over my need to control everything.
And I’ve already established that I’m good at getting over things...
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
You never realize how overgrown and ugly your property is, until you have a specialist open your eyes to the weeds, overgrowth, and dead weight.
It was a metaphor for the internal emotional and mental struggles I’m dealing with.
I accepted that it was time to give my heart, mind, and soul and good pruning today; which will be my focus in yoga––clearing back the overgrown fears, doubts, and weeds.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Monday, July 3, 2017
Feeling off center; I ground myself through coffee beans and self-help books.
Reading, journaling, and a quick scan of my mental and emotion health reveal that I may be spending more time in my head than I'd like to admit.
With a deep breath and a heavy sigh, I release the darkness;
Saturated poison and fear that I absorbed like a sponge in a room full of people who hide behind a judgmental smile.
I am who I am; letting go of everything else—life is short—I've got work to do.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
The grumbling in my stomach from eating inconsistently;
The subtle traces leftover sleep in my eyes;
The mild aches and pains in my neck from sleeping in a bed that's unfamiliar;
(I miss my bed.)
This is the life that I dreamed of living, for better or worse, so I'm turning my frown into a forced smile—it will eventually manifest into a genuine feeling of gratitude—I'm living the dream.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
The employees at Starbucks dawn their best game faces;
As a former service industry professional myself, I see past there plastered smile and pleasant facade.
My expertise in dealing with customers at 6 a.m. detects a hint of snark in their tone as they welcome crabby customers.
I smile inside and count my blessings; I get spend my day in a theater—I might not be performing—but I'm not appeasing un-caffeinated assholes.
Friday, June 30, 2017
Thursday, June 29, 2017
I didn't book the job;
Which saved me from backing out of two—already contracted—gigs.
I was struggling with the decision and asked God to intervene.
I told myself that I'd be happy with whichever outcome I was faced with; to my delight, I feel confident in the answer the Universe sent me.
Sometimes booking a role on TV is not as important and maintaining an existing agreement.
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
which means my creative energy is so powerful that people are attracted to me more when other people are exploiting it.
...or, that life.
I’m going with the later.
Of course, I’m 2000 miles away from LA when I receive offers to work on a new television series––ever the professional––I turn down the spot on the small screen to honor my first commitment, only to return to my hotel room to another email from my agent with a second offer on an already established TV show.
...when it rains, it pours––was the response I received from both my husband and my manager.
My motto has always been, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”
So I said yes to the second part and now I have to wait and see if I can break a contract (which, in 20 years in the industry, I’ve only done one other time) and work coordinate a costume fitting around a national holiday and an overbooked flight.
Today I’m going to let go, and let God.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
You are here.
The present moment;
A powerful force against fear, doubt, and uncertainty.
I don’t need to know where I’ll be next year at this time;
Nor do I need to focus on what I’ll be doing next week, tomorrow, or even tonight.
Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again––I bring myself back to the simple truth:
this moment (literally this very second that I am typing) is the only thing that is real.
I can’t change the past or predict the future; when I’m present I don’t need to––because I remember––the past cannot be changed and the future will never be here.
Monday, June 26, 2017
I Googled “upper stomach pain” to discover that––thanks to years of an ibuprofen addiction––I most likely have a peptic ulcer.
So...I get to deal with that, while on tour.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Faith––in its very definition requires that you trust especially when things aren’t going your way.
How do I find that light––that positive energy––in total darkness?
Accepting that God, the Universe, a powerful being greater than I, has a plan.
In the midst of doubting, I remind myself of the countless moments when that force intervened in my life; that has to be enough.
Returning to the breath and letting go of the fear––absolute surrender––in times of massive negative energy is the only way through; like a flashlight illuminating the trail through the overgrown forest, faith is the only light I need.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
I often write about saying goodbye––a universal salutation––that never gets easier for me.
Today’s farewell was more challenging than usual, primarily because I’m flying out of town, too.
Instead of going back to Colorado with mom, or to Hawaii with Jeff, I’m going to work––while most people in LA rage about their 60 minute commute on the 405––I flair my nostrils and lose my shit going through the TSA PreCheck line.
I’ve willingly paid money and submitted a complete background check (both hands fingerprinted), and still I stand and wait.
But I digress, I’m feeling sorrowful. Even after five days of fabulous, undivided quality time with my mom––I feel like I need more!
Add on the layer of leaving my husband and two puppies for nine days and I drop into full panic mode.
It’s moments like these that I’m grateful for the nerds of the world––like Steve Jobs––for using their mighty brainpower to create devices and software like iChat... Now if someone would just figure out how to teleport humans across thousands of miles in a nanosecond...
Friday, June 23, 2017
Thursday, June 22, 2017
writing my blog entry for the day at 12:14 a.m.;
cleaning the kitchen;
obsessing over what to wear tomorrow;
choreographing projects in my living room, while binge watching Bloodline on Netflix;
eating almond M&M’s that my mom left out the coffee table;
sharing cat videos from YouTube to Twitter.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Free flowing breath;
Mindful mediation calms the chatter and useless ambience in my mind;
My soul awakens with the joyfully focused energy in the room;
Passion, creativity, peace, balance, and presence; a harmonious practice of evolution and light.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Per mom’s request, we headed down to the South Bay (where I grew up) to eat at one of our favorite restaurants. The hole-in-the-wall greasy family operated Mexican café was every bit as delicious as it was twenty years ago... the only difference is the reaction my body has to it.
Apparently overly-salted foods with too much dairy and lard don’t sit well in my yoga body; I think my stomach literally said, “Gurgle, gurgle...YOgattaBeKiddingMe!”
We decided to watch a movie when we got home and without missing a beat, my mom pulled out a bag full of candy and chocolate; some things do not change...and I LOVE it.
I’m in heaven when my family is in town; my waistline is in hell...
Monday, June 19, 2017
Sunday, June 18, 2017
I step into a blisteringly hot shower hoping that the heat will help peel my eyes open.
Still not awake I get dressed in a zombie-sleep-like rote.
My viens are begging for caffeine;
Starbucks won’t open for another 20 minutes.
I remind myself: you are living the dream! The life you chose for yourself; so get excited and be grateful
Saturday, June 17, 2017
While at dinner, I reached out to him, and within 30 minutes I was meeting him at his stage door for a final dress tech rehearsal!
It might be one of my favorite aspects of the artist’s life;
No matter where you are in the world––if you’ve worked in show business––there’s bound to be someone you know...putting on a show.
It was such a pleasure catching up with my friend and watching him take the stage in the title role; he’s a star, on stage and off!
Friday, June 16, 2017
Watching people pass, some are off to a fabulous vacation, many are headed to a 3 star hotel, and some don’t even change out of their pajamas;
Traveling is so un-glamorous.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Getting trapped in my head about circumstances that cannot be resolved with logic.
I close my eyes and practice my meditation;
what good are tools if we don’t use them, right?
Breathing in slowly and releasing the doubt.
Every day invites a new opportunity to find awareness:
I can’t solve tomorrows problems––but I can be present today.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
I needed that reminder today.
Time and again, I forget just how powerful a smile and a positive attitude is;
my life has been a series of opportunities that were born out of my relentless, passionate, steadfast approach to my dreams.
It may not be the path that I mapped out when I embarked on my adventure twenty-one years ago, but just like a trip to Disneyland––the best rides are the ones you have to go out of your way for.
And the most rewarding experiences thus far have been those where I engaged with a likeminded group of people and created something unique and unexpected.
Monday, June 12, 2017
I was singing and dancing along with the talented actor-singer-dancer (triple threats) that the theater community––unlike many in LA––praise.
How fortunate I was to find a home in the theater community so early in my life; deep in the closet (at a performing arts high school––no less), or once I finally came out (on the stage at Radio City Music Hall––of course), I found joy, love, laughter, education, inspiration, and art among the men and women who pour their soul (and soles) into the work that they do.
Is it a coincidence that the community that accepts everyone; encourages everyone to find their voice; inspires the world to dream; celebrates their heroes by honoring them during Pride month?
I’m sure the Gay mafia has something to do with it... I joke, but seriously, thank God for theater––it is more than entertainment; it’s history, art, education, inspiration, love, laughter, and acceptance––and it just might help a kid living in darkness, step into the light!
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Saturday, June 10, 2017
We all have them, though some will deny their existence—out of fear, shame, or being labeled crazy—but lurking in chaos or even in the stillness, a voice judges every circumstance.
Our ego is powerful and ready to crush everything in its path; even if it means self-destruction.
With a deep breath and faith, I silence the useless chatter and proceed with my day.
I'll listen when my voice instinctually guides me away from danger; cautiously aware that danger may exist in my mind.
Friday, June 9, 2017
Thursday, June 8, 2017
I constantly seek to be here, awake, now.
On my best day––when I’ve floated through yoga, nailed an audition, typed out ten pages of quality writing, spent hours laughing with friends, and receive an unexpected residual payment; when a river walk with my puppies feels like a momentous event or a trip to Starbucks with my husband is the most important thing in the world––I have no doubt that I’m presicily where I’m supposed to be.
It is on those days––when I wake up and feel an unexplainable lump in my throat, that what I’m doing is not important or I feel compelled to throw in the towel and stop creating––that I remember that I’m human.
That superhuman high of being present is only accessible to me when I release the hate speech in my head; that self-doubt that does nothing but stop me from living the most inspired life I can.
I imagine these thoughts are similar to many of the people my age. In fact, I’m positive it’s what many refer to as a midlife crisis.
However, I feel no crisis, I truly know exactly what my purpose is––and I’ve pursued it my entire life––it’s just getting much more challenging to maintain the determination, tenacity, and faith as I watch my friends and peers advancing in their careers.
Again, this is not unique to me, I know, but it feels real today.
So I honor my feelings, take a deep breath, and release the energy into the universe; the day is still young (even if I’m not) and all I have is this moment, it’s time to smile and take positive action to be present.
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
The birds chirp loud as they prance for crumbs on the patio at Starbucks;
You can almost ignore the car alarm that blares on at the two-decades-past-its-prime car dealership across Ventura Boulevard;
Not even the windy rush hour traffic can muffle the pointless security feature on a tired used car.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Reminding me that no amount of yoga, Zen, meditation, Presence, or spiritual enlightenment can make me perfect.
I’m an imperfect soul––seeking to be a more evolved, aware, and gentle;
Through my setbacks I gain perspective and discover that I still have work to do.
A constant work in progress––with an emphasis on release.
Be. Here. Now.
Monday, June 5, 2017
Watching people fighting each other to be the first to shove their overpacked bags in an overhead bin, is a reminder of how much shit we—collectively—try to force in other people's space.
Your baggage should not be someone else's issue; yet here I sit watching grown men argue about who has more status—it's always the one with an ego the size of his waists.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Twenty-year-old me is rolling his eyes, but truthfully, booze on the road are brutal.
Saturday, June 3, 2017
When does a creating a habit create despair?
I’m entirely in favor of forming patterns and staying focused, but I’m ready for balance and I accept that I hold all the power.
Like Dorthy waking up in Kansas; I can leave OZ whenever I decide to (REALLY) trust the process and stay present. I know that it is in the NOW that I will find the answers to the most important question: what can I do today?
Friday, June 2, 2017
Thursday, June 1, 2017
Even after years of yoga, Zen meditation, and plenty of career and colleague validation, I fight the instinct to drowned myself in extra salty eggs, buttery breakfast potatoes, and an overdose of sweet rolls.
Just when I think I’ve reached my bursting point, I like to cram down a toxic level of citric acid in the form of fresh cut pineapple, hand-squeezed grapefruit juice, and four cups of executive-level coffee loaded with heavy cream (did I mention I’m lactose intolerant?)
What can I say, I’m a sucker for the word “free”, and when on vacation (or work) I allow myself to be free with my feelings...even if it means eating them.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
My sister, Shiree, reached out to me with a challenge to write a six-word story from a pre-selected list of themes.
I enjoyed finding a creative way to squeeze my story into six words, but I realized that I prefer to write without limitations.
I grew from the exercise, no doubt, and I discovered that I can insert my “voice” and style into almost any topic.
...this comes as less of a surprise to my close family and friends.
Apparently, I like to talk a lot; and share my opinions, a lot; and I guess I realized that I have a lot of space to free-up for new thoughts and ideas.
The most rewarding aspect of the month long challenge was that I remembered how much I crave writing.
Not just when I have a deadline or a specific goal that I’m working towards, but simply out of habit.
I appreciate releasing the thoughts in my head onto a blank screen.
There––at least for a moment––the constant dialogue has vanished from my mind and awaits judgment from someone else; a far less judgmental critic than I.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Monday, May 29, 2017
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Friday, May 26, 2017
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Monday, May 22, 2017
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Friday, May 19, 2017
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Monday, May 15, 2017
I had no plan, just a dream and the willingness to follow my passion wherever it lead.
I traveled the world as a performer, I studied with artists who forced me to be better. I read books; I listened to wise, interesting people who shared their ideas. I collaborated with friends and said, “yes” to everything that didn’t compromise my moral compass.
As I grew––mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and creativity––I mindfully set a plan in motion.
No longer idealistic, but still very hungry for my dream to manifest, I focused every ounce of time on doing more.
Finally, I’ve reached a point where I accept that I am enough.
I understand that my creative path is in constant bloom; and whether during the winter, while my seeds lie dormant; spring, when my creativity blooms; or fall, when my leaves are changing––I am always an artist.
And that is enough.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Friday, May 12, 2017
Feeling called to write, choreograph, perform––do something;
Not because I want to cross something off a list, but rather to stay active on my artistic journey.
Sometimes doing “nothing” is really doing something;
The stillness gives me a space to breathe, and then suddenly––out of nowhere––my soul is revived.
I spent the past two years working on my new book;
brainstorming, outlining, contemplating, writing, rewriting, and gathering with my writing group to share and rethink––finally finishing my 1st draft.
Now, I wait. The agony of releasing my work into the hands of capable colleagues, who may not have the emotional attachment I have with my “book baby.”
I’ve poured my heart onto the page, now I have to move on.
I gave myself the space to rest––two months is plenty of time, right?
The idea of staring at a blank screen is daunting, but the vast emptiness that I feel when I’m not creating is excruciating.
So, back into the sea I go, not at all prepared for the storm that’s sure to hit, for now I’ll just focus on getting past the break and pray for a lifeboat when I need it.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Monday, May 8, 2017
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Friday, May 5, 2017
Thursday, May 4, 2017
My grandpa assured my years ago that every decade comes and goes just a little bit faster.
As forecasted, my 30′s blazed by, and still I managed to experience a lifetime of adventure, evolution, loss, and triumphs.
I lost my grandpa two years into my 30′s;
Booked my first big job as a choreographer on television;
Co-produced, wrote, directed, and starred in 40 digital shorts;
Co-created and starred in 3 television pilots;
Choreographed 2 movies;
Welcomed my gorgeous niece into the world;
Lost my grandma (and best friend);
Married my soulmate;
Became a homeowner;
Published my first book, So You Want To Be A Dancer;
Nursed my sister back to health and became closer than I could ever have imagined;
Booked three roles on television;
Choreographed my first full-length concert dance piece;
Finished writing my second manuscript (which will hopefully be published during my 39th year);
And finally––through countless hours of yoga, meditation, prayer, and Faith––I managed to find the Present. I learned how to release negativity; breathe through anger; and trust.
Decidedly, I will confront the final year of my 30′s with pure joy, gratitude, and peace of mind.
I’ve accomplished so many goals––I’m ready to stop overachieving and start appreciating the blessings that surround me.
Every day of my 39th year I will cherish myself with one fabulous action, gift, or thought that celebrates my life.
Living in the present every day––so as never to look back and say, “I wish I would have enjoyed that moment more!”
What we invest in our life is directly related to what we receive; I’m ready to embrace God’s plan for me.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
So, when she reached to ask me to join her in a six-word story challenge;
I said, “Game on!”
Every day in May, I have to write a six word story with a preset theme.
Because we’re three days into the month of May, I’m going to cheat a bit and write three today!
Here goes nothing….
So today, I will enjoy being a young man.
Because, in LA, the closer you get to 40 the less people care about you.
Then again, I don’t really care about what people think of me;
I’m feisty and fabulous––and intend to remain that way at every age and stage of my life!
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Monday, May 1, 2017
Sunday, April 30, 2017
If I forgot that I was living out of a suitcase, my faux-family––traveling from the most rural areas of the United States––remind me that I have made it!
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Friday, April 28, 2017
To remain present and positive regardless of the circumstance.
But honestly, what good comes from freaking out?
In my experience, positive energy produces twice as much opportunity than that of doubt;
So I say, live in the light and ignore anyone who questions your inner peace.