Melancholy Monday

When there’s no rhyme or reason to the sadness inside;
The smiling sun, the chirping birds, the happy trees swaying in the wind:
All mocking me!
Breathing through the pain and searching for light.
I close my eyes and visualize releasing the negative energy. . .
Now, I wait in stillness.

SUNday:

Following a crisp, overcast, grey and rainy LA day;
The sun blasts its radiating energy at full force––it’s not quite time to break out the Uggs!

Couch Crasher:

Early morning meditation, yoga, and errands;
A quick creative session and a podcast interview to promote my new book. . .
Now, I’m crashing on the couch;
Guilt free, I enjoy binge watching Netflix, whilst cuddling with my husband and puppy.
Life is grand.

Clean House:

Scouring, scrubbing, buffing, dusting, vacuuming, fluffing, spraying, waxing, polishing, rinsing, and finally: resting.
I love a clean house, but I hate doing the work.

It's That Time. . .

I’ve reached an age where every little detail matters;
I can either breathe in calm and manage the demands of mid-life, or I can have a heart attack from reacting disproportionately.
So:
More yoga, less couch;
More kale, less meat;
More love, less heat;
More calm, less anger;
More Faith, less fear;
More presence, less planning;
Quality vs. Quantity

High Stakes:

The stakes have been raised, but the game is the same.
Easily, I forget the work and growth that I’ve made over the past twenty years of my career.
With hard work, passion, and tenacity, I’ve managed to enjoy a brilliant adventure in the entertainment industry.
I need not doubt or fear my ability––I just need to do what I do best:
Enjoy the creative process and trust that my past will guide me in the present!

A Moment of Clarity:

In the dimly lit corner of my study, whilst reading Eckhart Tolle, I remembered that fear is nothing more than a lack of presence.
I’ve spent the past year in a constant state of uncertainty; which is nothing new for someone like me––I’ve spent the past 20 years pursuing a job in entertainment.
As the caliber of jobs increases, so does the level of expectation; not to mention the demands from other people.
I’ve allowed the additional burdens of this brilliant career advancement to prevent me from enjoying the process.  What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t live up to expectations? What if . . .
Thankfully, last night I woke up.  When we give into doubt, we’ve already lost.
I’ve spent my life working toward this moment; I am ready.
So I might as well give myself the space to have fun.

Marvelous Monday

Finally, a day off.
I hit my yoga mat at 6AM, giving me a solid foundation to do nothing for the rest of the day!
Not even an ounce of guilt. . . making today a marvelous Monday!

The Dream Is Alive.

A childhood dream stirs a lifelong passion;
Countless hours training and honing my craft;
Every failed audition is a badge of honor;
Every booked job is a validation of my ultimate goal;
It’s not about winning awards, but it’s sure fun to dream!

Sunny Saturday

A gorgeous baby blue sky greets me as I roll out of bed;
Sadness is still hovering—Ginger is not next to me—still I feel the energy of the vibrant day.
The sun is radiating positivity and hope;
Today, I choose to free my mind of the anxiety and workload, and return to the present.

Utterly Overwhelmed:

Pain scale 10;
Red level panic;
Stresscon 9;
I’m moments away from total shutdown;
Why didn’t anyone tell me that getting it all means having no time?

Lost In The Ashes:

Our beloved furry family member is gone;
The crematorium mixed up our little Ginger’s ashes and lost her collar;
The rage doesn’t replace the whole in my heart.
I miss her tiny paws on my lap;
I know that her spirit is not found in the ashes.
It’s time to release my beautiful princess.

The Light:

We often don’t realize how dark it is in a room, until someone comes along and flips on the switch.
Yoga has always provided me with an opportunity to turn on my inner light;
Lately, I’ve been living in the dark corners of my mind;
Today, my yoga teacher (who also happens to be my husband) came along and turned on my light, with a gentle adjustment and positive encouragement.
Live in the light of positive energy!

Everything Bagel:

Your name says it all;
Savory, salty, crunchy bits of garlic;
Poppy seeds stuck in my teeth;
Spread speared everywhere;
I can’t get you into my mouth fast enough!

Monday Morning Thought:

Fresh perspectives allow for new adventures!

Back Down

My aching back is reminding me that it’s not wise to dance until 3AM—even if it’s your best friend’s wedding.

Welcome to 40s!

Missing You

The subtle weight and loving energy next to my thigh when I sleep at night; I feel your loss falling asleep—in my dreams I have you back—and then I wake to remember you’re gone. 

I miss you Ginger.

The Day After

Rather than replaying the heartbreaking goodbye, I redirect my attention to the wonderful adventures we shared: sneaking her into movies, concerts, hotels, backstage, wherever we went—Ginger was there.

Rarely a moment when she wasn’t resting happily in my arms. 

She was in our wedding; she’s in almost every on-camera production we created; she was the mascot for every family vacation; her life was vibrant and meaningful.

Ginger taught me patience and compassion. While I will miss her sassy little attitude and the adorable way she would run in her sleep; I’m grateful for the 15 years of unconditional love and joy she provided. I know that the long yawn she had into her deep sleep was a good sign—she’s at peace.

The Littlest Princess Yorkie Ginger:

Our little Ginger sits peacefully in my lap––licking, of course––but happy.
Her fragile body is in pain, still her ears are perky and her nub tail wags slowly and lowly from side to side.
Today is the day we say farewell.  We know it’s time, but my sadness persists.
For nearly 16 years she has been our little princess.
Our lives will feel so empty without her spunky energy.
We all come into this world with a limited number of days; inevitable we all pass on.  The brutal reality is unbearable on days like today.
Ginger we love you so much. Thank you for the unconditional love and sass.
We’ll listen for your prancing spirit everywhere.
Love you.

I Will Never Forget:

The smell of burning tragedy in the air;
The uncertainty in my mind;
The melancholy in my heart;
The strength of the heroic first responders;
The bond that strangers on the streets of New York.

Proud:

A year’s worth of writing, exposing the buried emotions from a lifetime of pretending and celebrating the courage of finally freeing me:
I share my stories with the world.
#DancingOutOfTheCloset

Remember Your Worth:

The voice in our head is loud;

Let the spirit of our soul be louder.

Release

All of the knowledge gained from endlessly reading self-help books, practicing yoga, meditating, and reminding myself to return to the present, are a formidable match for a stubborn mindset. 

Still, I fall short. Especially when interacting with my family. 

Our loved ones often challenge us; in those moments it’s imperative that I release—and remember that our established habits are rooted in love and not harm. We’re all doing the best we can.

Saying Goodbye. . .

A whirlwind of laughter, yelling, forts and farts;
My sister's birthday week comes to a calm end.
Saying goodbye at LAX;
My niece smiling from ear to ear––it gives me joy that despite the setbacks she smiles.
I love my family.
I did my best to stay present and savor the good times;
I hope they'll remember those, too.

Life's A Beach

Watching the contagious laughter of my niece, Kellyn every time a wave crashes down on her is an instant reminder of my beautiful sister when we were young.
A fabulously free beach day provides a dramatic (albeit positive) scene change from our day on the backlot of Universal.
I love my sister and my niece; they're an island unto themselves;
Sticker collections, an obsession with scents, and a gentle, kind, heart with a sensitive ego––I'm grateful for this trip.
Even the dark moments that caused heartache.

Birthday Blowout!

Through the violent flash of scorching red rage;
My sister turned 39.
The painful reminders of childhood traumas and onset of adult autoimmune disease led to a storm of uncontrollable outrage.
This was supposed to be a joyous memory––instead we've perpetuated a negative family trait.
With an unusually long embrace––her special way of admitting guild and apologizing––we "let go" of the shit storm that just swirled around the car.
A Universal experience. . .
Happy Birthday, Shiree.
Despite my disappointment, I love you unconditionally and I know you love me, too.

Family:

A house full of love, laughter, and food;
My mom, sister, niece, husband, and two dogs in a two bedroom condo.
Kellyn, who’s eight, decided to build a fort.
Lily, who’s also eight (and a dog) decided that the fort is her new home.
I adore being surrounded by family.
Revisiting my childhood through the eyes of my loved ones!

Paparazzi:

Sometimes my job involves choreographing an intricate evening length piece for a concert dance company;
Sometimes, I “re-imagine” lyrics for a movie musical in order to avoid copyright issues:
“I’m the greatest star, there’s no other one by far in all of Hollywood,
Papa, Paparazzi.”
I feel like I’ve had years of experience preparing for this job––throughout childhood I changed the lyrics to every pop song I heard, not for any legal reasons, but because my brain hears what it wants. . .

Monday Yoga:

My mat feels like a Hawaiian island;

A safe place to ground down and find shelter from the sea of life.

A Trip Home. . .

The intoxicating aroma of sea air and eucalyptus surround us as we walk towards the pier;
Shiree smiles and a familiar glance comes across her face; she remembers the history.
We enter the Lamppost Pizza and every soccer game, school activity, and Boy Scout party dances through my mind.
Then, we hear the sound of our neighborhood crew and we’re home!