Joyous Presence:

What a year. What a decade!
Marriage. Homeownership. Twice published, director. Traveling and enjoying family and friends.
Naturally, I still have dreams that I hope will manifest, but I'm ready to release the personal demands and expectations that I set in my twenties.
An abundant life full of adventure and opportunities; I have nothing left to prove and everything still to understand.
My only goal or resolution for 2020: Joyous presence.
I won't lie.  I'm incredibly nervous to let go.
I've spent twenty years working towards this life; it's time to mix it up.
There was a Zen quote that I fell in love with in my early twenties (I'm paraphrasing):
You can look and you will find it;
You can not look, and you will find it;
That which is truly yours, will surely come to you.
I thought I understood this completely; still I pushed, hustled, planned, and fought.
Surrender begins tomorrow!
Happy New Year.

Zen:

Fireplace.

Apple+

Husband; Shih Tzu.

Sparkling water.

The Final Countdown:

Another year draws to an end.
On the heels of a new decade, I'm steadying myself for a new chapter.
The past ten years brought me phenomenal adventures, epic career successes, and the monumental loss of two of the most influential people in my life.
The past year alone, alongside my husband and creative partner, I published my second book; co-directed and choreographed a sold-out professional production of Matilda; and curated a daily improvised video dance project.
The end of this year and decade also marks 3,650 daily blog entries. After losing my Grandpa Shaffer, I was inspired to be more proactive.  I dedicated myself to writing something (anything) daily, with the goal of establishing a productive habit to encourage my evolution as an artist and human.
I'm proud of my journey thus far.
I'm forty-one years old, and I have managed to achieve a version of the life that I dreamed about as a child.  I've learned to accept that situations and accomplishments aren't always what we expect them to be or feel like; I've grown to appreciate that life provides me with what I need, precisely when I need it; and I've surrendered to the fact that the only thing I can truly control is how I will react to life.
I'm ready to release the constant need for more. I relinquish the impossible demand for perfection.
In two days, I will wrap this version of life that I've been living, and make myself available for the life that has been waiting for me:
I welcome joyous presence.

Why?

I hate technology.
Has it revolutionized human evolution? Sure. But it's also caused massive stress.
Remember Y2K?
Even as I sit on my comfy chair, typing on my laptop, I find myself resentful.
Whether it's a spinning track wheel, a frozen cursor, or a glitch on the home screen of my "smart" phone, I'm over it!
Today's rant was brought to you by: Every website that has a "Remember My Username" box, that doesn't stay ticked!

Anew:

I was standing in the shower of our new condo when it dawned on me:
My first book had just received a publishing deal and I had booked a dream job on a Netflix series; I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio's character from Titanic––I was the king of my world.
Rather than soaking up the joy of the moment, I stood in fear as the hot water from our fancy new shower fixtures poured over me.
"How will I use the success of these two lifelong dreams, to get to the next level?"
Then, instantly, I felt paralyzed.
"What if no one buys my book?" "What if they buy it, and hate it?" "What if I never book another job on TV?" "What if this is it?"
As the sting of the scalding shower splashed down on my back, I declared aloud: It's never going to be enough.
Instantly, I made an agreement with myself to find a new path.
I've spent so much of my life planning, pushing, hustling, dealing, leveraging, hoping, dreaming, praying, fighting. It was time to stop this nonsense. But how?
It's been almost six years, and this question has bounced back and forth nonstop since that night.
Thankfully, I have continued to work, create, and enjoy adventure––but still there is this undeniable drive that is entirely ego––which I know will crush me eventually.
The time has come; I've reached a brilliant turning point in my life and outlook.
I'm truly ready to release and trust unconditionally.
Letting go of the patterns, habits, lists, goals, and insane expectations.
My path for 2020 and the decade of my 40's is to be present and find joy in every moment.
I spent 40 years doing it "my way".  Yes, I've had brilliant opportunities and I hope to continue to create along my journey.  Still, the time has come to let go of my (false sense) of control and accept my present; for better or worse.
It's time to put life before my career.

The Day After . . .

The moment Christmas passes, I'm ready for a total tree takedown!
Call it my (self-diagnosed) OCD––and perhaps a dash of fear thinking that I'll forget that Christmas has already happened––but I can't stand looking at holiday cheer littering our house.
Where once I saw love, light, and the spirit of family and friends gathering;
The day after I see consumerism, waste, gluttony, and the lack of family and friends; I might add those extra bodies could help strike Christmas!
I sit with my holiday hangover and gaze in every direction;
The merry extravaganza is over and now the cleanup begins.
Hall out the Christmas and all of those things that no longer serve me. . . it's time to make space for 2020!

The Joy of Christmas:

Last night, while reading Twas the Night Before Christmas to our Goddaughters, I was inundated with cozy memories of my childhood at Christmastime.
Cuddling with gram drinking soda and eating too much candy;
Picking out the one package we'd get to open the night before Santa came––why was it always pajamas?
Surrounded by family and laughter, watching Christmas movies and playing board games––there was always a few stops past the refrigerator for a heaping pile of mashed potatoes and fourth (but why are you counting) serving of spaghetti and meatballs. . .
After spending half of my life performing or working in shows during the holidays, some of the charm dissipates.
Now, in our forties, and without children of our own, this time of year can feel less special.
Thankfully, our extended family, nieces, nephews, and godchildren are near and enjoy having us over!
It was so fun watching Abby set a trap to catch Santa so that she could "ask him a few questions".
Or witnessing Audrey run into the living room to see all of the gifts that Santa left behind––she ran straight toward the microphone stand––she clearly has a spark for the performing arts and loves the attention.
The joy of Christmas is alive and well, you just have to explore it through children's eyes.
Also, our country is spoiled and consumerism is gross.
Merry Christmas!

Joy

As far back as I can remember, I was the kid who would ride to the supermarket with gram for last minute Christmas necessities.
All these years later, nothing has changed.
I went to the grocery store to pick up a cheeseball––because as trashy as they sound––they're delicious and always the first thing to be mopped off the plate.
Standing in an ocean of angry holiday hosts, a smile emerged from the tide and I found my place in a short line.
Once to the cash register, I had a pleasant exchange with a Ralph's employee who was earning double pay and headed to her family tomorrow.  Her outlook reminded me:
We all have the power to enjoy the present.
I left glowing and ready for a brilliant Christmas Eve!

Deck The Mall:

Deck the mall with hot dads shopping;
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
‘Tis the season to be charging;
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Don we now an angry shopper;
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Troll the sales and spend more money;
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Christmas Lump

It’s not coal;

It’s my gut from too much toffee, baguette, butter, and booze.

‘Tis the season!

(Another) White Christmas:

One screening of the American musical classic is just not enough;
Tonight, we gather around the glowing screen for round four.
It might be sunny and sixty degrees outside;
But our fireplace is lit!

Catching Up. . .

When you’re gone for five weeks, you lose touch with your close friends and family;
Coordinating schedules during the holidays can be daunting.
Where there is love and a free thirty minutes, there’s time for coffee, a quick gossip session, and a hug!
Tis the season to be constantly driving from one party to the next!

Do Nothing:

I didn't get out of my pajamas;
"It's A Wonderful Life" played on a loop and I ate toffee and chips all day.
Occasionally, I watched the flames dance in our fireplace.
I'm so grateful for the blank space on my calendar!

Vacation:

Pajamas all day;
Cuddling with our furry creature on the couch all day.
Reading next to the flickering fireplace.
Too much candy and plenty of cocktails.
Christmas songs on a loop in the background;
It’s time to hibernate!

Ready? Set. Go!

Twelve hours on a set;
Home to feed the dog and crash on the couch;
5A.M. wake up call––headed back to the set.
Living my childhood dreams; the hours are crushing, but the sense of joy and accomplishment prevail!

All Set!

I get to spend the next two days working with a talented group of artists on a film set.
Overwhelmed by my schedule for the past three months, I have taken this shoot for granted.
Following a camera blocking rehearsal last night, I woke up this morning loaded with creative energy and excitement.
I’ve spent my entire life dreaming, training, and working so that I could secure opportunities like this, and here I am wishing it would be over.
Obviously, I need to refocus and refuel.  Stress has always been a destructive force in my life; up until recently, I thought it motivated me and inspired a deeper layer in my work.
Vastly wrong; since turning forty, I determined that I thrive when I am positive, calm, and confident.  Three attributes that will only manifest when I am void of drama.
Looking forward to 2020, I am purging my obsession with goals, plans, and lists.  I’m ready to live in presence, without fear.
But first, today: I’m prepared to walk onto the set and cherish the fact that I’m living my childhood dreams.

Rushing

Nothing ever gets accomplished coRectly when you rush!

Scrumptious Saturday:

I sat on my couch watching Christmas movies all day;
Then, laughed and drank all night at a Christmas party downtown LA!

Six Word Essay Winter Break:

My priorities: couch, movies, food, family!

During yoga . . . .

While lying in shavasana balling my eyes out after an epic 48 hours of flying, directing, and defending my character, I heard our yogi say, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”
A brilliant quote from Rumi;
I instantly released the fear that I still hadn’t managed to shake by the end of class.  Suddenly, I was present, the light entered, and the healing began.

Let Go:

The opportunity to turn a negative situation into a positive;
Lies in the ability to take a breath, release, and move on.
That’s today’s goal.

Bad Day:

When you think you’re saying, “yes”;
But the world hears no.

Satisfied Stillness:

The moment you complete a goal, project, or manifest a dream;
The stillness that follows:
A brilliant, warming, joy radiating from the soul.
There is nothing that can tarnish the gratitude that comes with inspired accomplishment.

And Just Like That . . . .

Our job is done.
While the curtain will continue to rise and the cast will surely shine on;
Jeff and I will take our bow and exit stage left.
Directing and choreographing a musical for a company of twenty-five professional performers has been rewarding in ways I never imagined.
With every new opportunity comes creative evolution, personal growth, and another step towards realizing our true potential.
Now, onward into the unknown.

Opening Night:

Pre-production meetings, conference calls, research, exploring in the studio;
The rehearsal process: discovering the characters and working through the material;
The tech process: finding new layers, overcoming obstacles, mastering the movement, and pushing the cast to new levels;
Now, the time has come to let our brilliant show soar, trusting the cast will continue our creative journey––the show is in their hands!

Life:

Laughing through the shit.

Not In Sync:

Cloud based uploading, requires soul based “let going”;
Waiting for technology drives me mad!
We don’t see eye to eye;
Do I have any human support? Because I’m positive my cloud backup––does not have my back!

Creativity Exploding:

Vibrant bursts of magic in every direction;
Our talented cast shines.
Hours of directing and choreographing performers;
Guiding them through character choices;
Collaborating with the creative team through sets, sound, costumes, props, and layered lights;
The story is beginning to dance:
The journey of discovering a life that started on a page and finally takes the stage!

Fluffy White:

Snow covers the ground like whipped cream;
A cozy cabin backlit by the warmth of a crackling fire would be joyous.  Christmas songs playing in the background while we snuggle up on the couch with plenty of fur throws, a rich cup of spiked hot chocolate, and a juicy book.
It’s a nice dream, but the sound of my alarm clock jolts me back to reality:
It’s tech day at the theater; we’ve got work to do!

Pounding:

I woke up with a splitting headache;
The kind that only a day of lying in bed in total darkness will cure.
Happy day off!

On With The Show!

The last day of cue-to-cue;
Setting the cast on stage;
So many uncertainties;
But the audience will rage! . . . with delight.