Anew:

I was standing in the shower of our new condo when it dawned on me:
My first book had just received a publishing deal and I had booked a dream job on a Netflix series; I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio's character from Titanic––I was the king of my world.
Rather than soaking up the joy of the moment, I stood in fear as the hot water from our fancy new shower fixtures poured over me.
"How will I use the success of these two lifelong dreams, to get to the next level?"
Then, instantly, I felt paralyzed.
"What if no one buys my book?" "What if they buy it, and hate it?" "What if I never book another job on TV?" "What if this is it?"
As the sting of the scalding shower splashed down on my back, I declared aloud: It's never going to be enough.
Instantly, I made an agreement with myself to find a new path.
I've spent so much of my life planning, pushing, hustling, dealing, leveraging, hoping, dreaming, praying, fighting. It was time to stop this nonsense. But how?
It's been almost six years, and this question has bounced back and forth nonstop since that night.
Thankfully, I have continued to work, create, and enjoy adventure––but still there is this undeniable drive that is entirely ego––which I know will crush me eventually.
The time has come; I've reached a brilliant turning point in my life and outlook.
I'm truly ready to release and trust unconditionally.
Letting go of the patterns, habits, lists, goals, and insane expectations.
My path for 2020 and the decade of my 40's is to be present and find joy in every moment.
I spent 40 years doing it "my way".  Yes, I've had brilliant opportunities and I hope to continue to create along my journey.  Still, the time has come to let go of my (false sense) of control and accept my present; for better or worse.
It's time to put life before my career.