A Journal Full Of Codes...

I find it very bizarre that I try to withhold things from my journal.
I mean what's the point of having a secret place to share my innermost feelings, if I don't confess my true innermost feelings?

In the past, I've even gone so far as to write in a special code that would require remembering what each code word meant... I could write out a legend and keep it hidden, so that years from now when I was ready to write a tell-all book, I would be able to decipher my cryptic entries a la the decoder ring from the movie A Christmas Story...

It reminds me of when I was in middle school and me and my friends would try to invent a secret language so that nobody else would be able to understand what we were talking about... In the end not even we understood half of what we were saying!
No- this just doesn't work! The entire point of writing in a journal is to release the trapped emotions in a safe non-judgemental place.
So what if someone "accidentally" stumbles onto it, opens it and reads several incriminating confessions and then feels nauseated with guilt, like I did when I found my sisters diary in high school! ...life goes on!

Besides, what do I have to hide? I spend ninety percent of my life sharing too much information (usually to get a laugh or deflect a bad situation) and no one believes it's true anyway!
So no more secrets from my journal!

I'm only disappointed that during the darkest hours of my life, when the pain and sadness was so overwhelming and raw, when I truly wrote my deepest, most honest thoughts and feelings (and I'm confident the material would; not only make for an amazing book- but actually help someone headed down the same lonely road...) and I can't find the damned decoder ring!

Be Yourself...

How much longer can I hide from the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
We all keep secrets in our lives... Some are well guarded and may even die when we do... Others are shared only with close friends and family, then there are those that we even hide from ourselves.
The degree in which we manipulate the truth from the world is an interesting thought to me...

I'm a control freak and the idea of releasing too much information about myself and losing everything because of it may be my greatest fear!

The balance between who we are and how we are defined is delicate.
In large part, people believe what they are told. ...and why shouldn't they?
I'm all too aware that the things that I keep private, are one in the same with why the people who know me well think I'm funny and creative. (Their words not mine.) My fear is that my over guarded nature may be holding me back from getting further along in my career.

A good friend and colleague in the business just confided in me recently. She said, "I'm so glad to see the real you! You're so talented, funny and relaxed! You really stand out in a room... For so long I just thought you were too uptight and afraid to let go. The real you is so much more interesting and enjoyable!"

It was very hard to hear because I take great pride in my ability to bring the real "me" to every situation. I was confident that I always brought the best part of my personality to every aspect of my life. When she shared her thoughts with me I realized that I was not as open and authentic with people as I believed I was, and it might be holding me back from living up to my true potential.

Ironically, the very things that allow me to stand out from the crowed and might be the final thrust that launches my career... may also define my career in one specific and narrow minded way.
Which sends me into a panic of epic proportions-

I think that as I get older, and I work in this business longer, I realize that the more unique, honest and unafraid I become; the more I've accomplished. So maybe it's time to give in to the real me one hundred percent! I've certainly NEVER apologized for who I am. However, I do know that I have walked away from opportunities because I was worried that it might have a negative effect on future career goals.

Not that I regret my past decisions- I just have a more clear (and I think mature) point of view now: The more confident I become in showing the world my authentic self... the more the world wants to see me! Life is too short to fear what people think, especially because they're going to think what they want anyway! So I might as well have fun and show the world my "A" game, so that at least it's a fair competition.

At the end of my life I just want to know that I followed my dreams and entertained people doing so!