Healing Waters...

My unconscious self tried so hard to be sad and depressed yesterday;
“If I feel tortured and angry, then I won’t feel guilty about living so far away from my family.”
I woke up next to my pool with the sun on my face;
The gentle breeze reminded me that the present moment doesn’t require judgement.  I smiled and focused on the beautiful week I spent with my sister and niece, and then jumped into the pool.

Saying Goodbye; Focus on the Positive!

The hour has arrived, my sister and niece have to return to their “real” lives.
Twenty years ago––when I ventured out on my own to pursue my dreams––I had the startling realization that I was embarking on a path that would keep me away from my family, more that it would allow me time with them.
That choice has been something I’ve struggled with immeasurable times; holidays, family gatherings, graduations, the loss of loved ones––the sacrifice is real.
Thankfully, just under ten years ago, I found a new approach to my time away.  It was just after my grandpa passed; before he died he explained how proud he was of me, he offered me this, “Don’t be sad, Matt––this is a part of life.  You’re doing wonderful things, go and live your life.”
On his deathbed, grandpa gave me the permission to continue to follow my dreams, and the tools to find joy in every moment.
Yoga helped me with the next monumental discovery:
The present moment is all we have.
So, I’ve spent the past 10 years (trying––and more often than not succeeding) finding the positive in every circumstance.
My sister and niece’s visit was a brilliant week of laughter, love, creativity, and bonding.
The beach (twice!), Disneyland, getting my niece’s ears pierced, trips to the mall, the Farmer’s Market, visiting with childhood friends, eating at delicious restaurants, and Griffith Park Observatory were just a few of the adventures we shared.
But my favorite moments were swimming in our swimming pool––watching Jeff teach Kellyn how to swim; or sitting with my niece in the living room and helping her with her homework––she’s so bright; or cuddling on the couch and hearing my niece’s beautiful joyous laughter––I appreciate animated movies in a new way, now; watching my sister swim in the ocean––she looked so peaceful and free, it reminded me of watching her as a child, I love her so much; and my favorite moment: watching my sister as a mommy––patience, love, encouragement, humor, wisdom, confidence... my niece is in perfect hands.
It’s hard to believe that two years ago my sister was stuck in a hospital bed re-learning how to talk, eat, and walk.
I feel so blessed for this visit, and while saying goodbye is so brutal, I’m happy that I got to say hello.  I will hold onto the positive memories while I’m dropping them off at the airport today, and for the rest of my life!

The Day After

My body aches all over;
My belly is full of junk;
My wallet is empty;
My camera is full;
My niece and sister are happy;
My inner child is crying because it’s over;
My inner adult is laughing because we had a blast but I need a full day to recover:
#Disneyland!

Disneyland

No matter what age, I challenge a person not to have fun at Disneyland.
Okay, I’m sure it can be done...but why on earth would you allow yourself to be in a bad mood at the Happiest Place on Earth?
My sister turns 37 years old today, and I’m so grateful that I get to spend the day with her, my niece, and my husband.
My sister has endured and conquered so many obstacles in her life; from cancer to a coma and everything in between, and she’s alive and well.
Even at 5 a.m. I’m smiling from ear to ear, because we’re about to embark on a day of laughter, junk food, rides...and of course, a lot of princess pictures with my 6 year old niece!  *Hopefully some of the Disney princesses will pose with her, too.

Da, Da, Da, Da, Da... I'm NOT Loving It.

Last night, after a fabulous birthday party in Hancock Park, we stopped at a McDonald's for my niece;
Even after a massive spread including: popcorn, chips, dips, pizzas, salads, cookies, caramels, chocolates, cupcakes, candy, and a second round of pizza... my 6 year old niece was still hungry.
Apparently so was I!
I ordered the Number 2 (two cheeseburgers, large fries, and a coke) AND I added a four piece chicken McNuggets––because ya know, why not?
It's the exact meal I ate in high school. Everyday.
And I wondered why I had a weight issue.

Six Word Essay On Swimming with my Niece:

A fearless fish with fast feet.

Meditate On This:

“Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn’t disappeared. It’s still there on the other side of the clouds.”  ––Eckhart Tolle

I love waking up in the mornings and reading self-discovery books.  I’ve read so many personal growth books that I should be a Zen Master; yet here I sit, questioning my path.
I close my eyes and deepen my breath.  That feeling in my stomach isn’t gas––okay it might be, because my family is in town and we’ve been eating a lot of rich meals––still I understand that the knot in my stomach is from conflict.
This morning, while reading the “Power of Now” I came across that simple reminder above.  I smiled and let go of all the noise in my mind.
My sister and niece are in town for a short time; all the drama and lists, and goals, and work, and worry can wait; I’m going to meditate and enjoy my day!

Life's A Beach

I spent the day at the beach in Malibu yesterday.
Sandcastles, swimming, seashell collecting, and too much sun with my niece, sister, and husband.
Watching my 6 year old niece discover sand crabs for the first time reminded me of my sister and me growing up––we would collect the sea creatures and keep them in a plastic aquarium that my dad bought us from a pet store.
Looking back I can see how inhuman it was to bring those little crabs back to our house––we thought that the ocean water and seaweed we gathered in the tank would sustain their lives––of course, we were wrong.
Fortunately, my sister and I learned our lesson and taught Kelly (my niece) that it’s better to observe the lives of all animals in their natural habitat.
She watched the crabs burrow back into the sand and picked up her bucket and started building a sandcastle.
That’s the beauty of childhood, you can let go of something and move onto the next activity without much thought or emotion; just let go.
It was so wonderful to watch my sister and niece enjoy the ocean together; the healing energy of the waves and the invigorating rays from the sun lead to a family bonding moment.

Pierced

My sister, Shiree, and my niece, Kellyn arrived in LA yesterday marking a week long celebration of my sister’s birthday.
In honor of the visit, Shiree decided to surprise Kellyn with a trip to the mall; Claire’s to be exact.
Anyone who has a daughter or grew up gay in the 90′s knows that Claire’s is the place for ear piercing.
When Kellyn found out why she was there, she jumped with joy and then her face washed with fear.  “Is it going to hurt?” She asked concerned.
I promised it wouldn’t hurt worse than a shot... that seemed to satisfy her trepidation.
Once she picked out her earrings, she sat in the chair, the Claire’s “piercing experts” cleaned her ears and made a dot with a marker to ensure perfect placement.
While my sister held the iPhone to capture the momentous event, I held my nieces hand and Uncle Jeff kept Kellyn distracted with positive dialogue.
The Claire’s “piercing experts” conversed privately, deciding to pierce on count 2 (not three), and then they counted down.
1, 2, punch!
Kellyn didn’t even realize they’d pierced her ears.
I said, “It’s all done.”
She smiled and said, “It’s over?”
When we returned home, we couldn’t find Kellyn.  I quietly snuck up on her gazing at her reflection––and newly pierced sparkling ears––in the guest bedroom mirror.
Mission accomplished!

All In The Family

My sister and niece arrive today;
Disneyland, pool parties, and coloring books galore!
Growing up my sister was my best friend (minus a few troubled high school years), and I’m so grateful that we continue to cultivate our relationship.
She’s the strongest person I know; fighting through cancer, a coma, and questionable haircuts...
I’m excited for a week of laughter, eating too much, and movie-night slumber parties in our living room.

The Moment I Let Go Of It...

Was the moment I got more than I could ever imagine.
Yesterday was a life changing moment for me and my family;
We spend so much time obsessing about “how” and “when”, we forget to trust in the present.
Over the past six months I’ve been slowly releasing my hold on one specific life-long dream, and the second I moved beyond the fear, the dream manifested in a direction I never saw coming.
God, The Universe, the present––always provides.
I’ve noticed that once I accept what is, I find a trail to what can be;
I’m ready for the next chapter in my life; literally and figuratively.
Let’s do this!

So Long...

I just dropped my mom off at the airport––on her birthday no less––after a beautiful week of lounging by the pool, eating out at delicious restaurants, and shopping; a lot of shopping.
I often write about saying goodbye––a universal salutation––that never gets easier for me.
Today’s farewell was more challenging than usual, primarily because I’m flying out of town, too.
Instead of going back to Colorado with mom, or to Hawaii with Jeff, I’m going to work––while most people in LA rage about their 60 minute commute on the 405––I flair my nostrils and lose my shit going through the TSA PreCheck line.
I’ve willingly paid money and submitted a complete background check (both hands fingerprinted), and still I stand and wait.
But I digress, I’m feeling sorrowful.  Even after five days of fabulous, undivided quality time with my mom––I feel like I need more!
Add on the layer of leaving my husband and two puppies for nine days and I drop into full panic mode.
It’s moments like these that I’m grateful for the nerds of the world––like Steve Jobs––for using their mighty brainpower to create devices and software like iChat... Now if someone would just figure out how to teleport humans across thousands of miles in a nanosecond...

Six Word Essay on Family

Love and sass, the perfect combination.

Mom's Back In Town...

My mom and step-dad stood on the curb at LAX waiting for me with a smile and a boatload of suitcases––they’re only staying a week––but unlike me, they don’t mind checking bags.
Per mom’s request, we headed down to the South Bay (where I grew up) to eat at one of our favorite restaurants.  The hole-in-the-wall greasy family operated Mexican café was every bit as delicious as it was twenty years ago... the only difference is the reaction my body has to it.
Apparently overly-salted foods with too much dairy and lard don’t sit well in my yoga body; I think my stomach literally said, “Gurgle, gurgle...YOgattaBeKiddingMe!”
We decided to watch a movie when we got home and without missing a beat, my mom pulled out a bag full of candy and chocolate; some things do not change...and I LOVE it.
I’m in heaven when my family is in town; my waistline is in hell...

Goodbye 2016.

And so it is upon us––another year draws to an end; and what a year it’s been.
The blessings, growth, and adventures have been abundant.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I look back on the opportunities and evolution that I have experienced in the past 364 days.
My life is a constant work in progress––I’ve never been shy about admitting that––and still somehow I manage to flourish in the midst of finding myself.
What were once flashes of light in my otherwise dark outlook––have manifested into a literal moving frame of pictures from day to day.
More than ever before, I was able to stay present, accept each moment for what it brought, and breathe through even the most challenging setbacks.
As a writer, I finished my second manuscript.  I learned more about myself through the process of sharing stories from my past, with the awareness of my present.
As an actor, I worked on two television shows––and remembered how magnificent it is to perform; I’m nowhere near the end of this journey.
As a choreographer, I had the opportunity to set my first full-length concert dance piece; watching my story come to life through the dancers eyes was magical.
As a person, I re-discovered that a positive attitude and the fearless pursuit of my passion will always lead me to an opportunity.
I have no clue what’s next for me––but I know that wherever I am, I will do my very best to stay present, seek light, and savor the journey.

Colorado Christmas Day 5

We had a Christmas slumber party last night at my moms house;
My sister and I under one roof––along with my niece, three dogs, my husband, mom, and step-dad––it was a circus for sure.
It was also a wonderful reminder of how special the holidays are.
We played board games, watched movies, but my favorite was a round of karaoke; my niece loves to sing!
Today, we’re going sledding at San Isabel.
Tubing down snow hills, we’ll surely freeze our butts;
But what Colorado Christmas would be complete without snow and hot coco?
...and my niece screaming in my ear as we fly downhill!

Colorado Christmas Day 3

It’s the day before Christmas and all through the house...
Candy, cookies, and Hallmark movies are abundant.
The cooking is finished,
The presents are wrapped,
And I’m just waking up from a long winters nap.
My family will gather tomorrow with cheer;
And after the festivities we’ll all run with fear––of cleaning the dishes!

Colorado Christmas Day 2

Family gathered in the kitchen;
Laughter, love, and a lot of dough.
We made delicious Italian cookies called pizzales.
Nothing says, “Merry Christmas” better than a dozen of these sweet, light, crisp cookies.
They remind me of my childhood, my grandma, and my gut––because I always eat too many!

Colorado Christmas Day 1

Upon arrival last night, we were greeted by the entire family with an Italian dinner.
Their warmth was a nice contrast to the cold winter night.
The puppies woke up early this morning to go play in the snow;
They leap through the air like Santa’s reindeer.
Today we’re baking traditional Italian Christmas cookies;
Just looking at the ingredients I’m gaining weight!
It’s good to be with family during this time of year.

Family

A year ago today, we were celebrating my sisters birthday in a rehabilitation center;
Honoring her life––while she was fighting for her life.
Overnight, a virus took away her ability to walk, talk, or hold her daughter.
My sister has always been a fighter.
Her tough exterior guards her sensitive and loyal heart.
Some of our family doubted in her ability to recover––I never lost Faith;
They don’t know my sister like I do.
A childhood spent in pure laughter or passionate fighting; neither one of us is afraid of extremes; but we always had each others back.
We moved around a lot when we were younger, so she was always my best friend.
When we became adults we were both preoccupied with building our own future––and forgot to check in with one another.
My sister’s hospitalization was a wake-up call for me;
This indépendant, talented, intelligent, creative, emotional, women––mother, daughter, sister, and friend, is one of the most important people in my life.
My love for her is unconditional and pure.
I’m so grateful that she has made a full recovery––the future looks bright;
But all we really have is the present, which is perfect, because it’s my sisters birthday. Happy Birthday Shiree. I love you.