I'm not experiencing any major life dramas.
I've managed to make it through this year without a lot of the fear and self-doubt that I've placed on myself in years past.
I know I'm not anxious about money or work, I've succeeded in staying out of debt and I have great jobs directing and choreographing theatre lined up through next summer, both despite this awful economy.
My relationship is thriving. My career is on track, and I feel like I've grown as an artist and a person in 2010.
Yet I cannot shake this uneasy feeling in my stomach.
I've spent the better part of this year doing everything in my power to move through the setbacks, negative energy and fear. I said yes to whatever adventure came toward me, and because of it, I found myself working with creative people on television and film.
My partner and I created a hit YouTube parody that caught the attention of the Bravo network and one of its reality stars.
I've stayed healthy and in shape- Plus, I continue to "check in" with myself; who I am and what I want to accomplish.
Nevertheless, I still feel like I'm not doing enough!
I'm positive this feeling should be categorized as "Fear and Self-doubt." Even so, I maintain the idea that I should be doing more.
Over-achiever? Perfectionist? Realist? ...or am I just another victim of the conception that you can never rest.
I don't want to go through life always thinking I need to do more, more, more! I hope to enjoy the fruits of my labor from time to time too. I guess my fear is that, if I don't push myself daily, I will float through life, and turn around at seventy years old, wondering why "it" never happened.
So I'm forced to constantly remind myself that "it" is happening everyday, and has been my entire adult life. I'm aware that I have a wonderful life. I've enjoyed an amazing career up until now, and I don't take that for granted.
This year especially, I've witnessed the power of positive energy and action. I made it a point to release the doubt, by focusing on an action that could change the path that the fear was headed. In every instance this year, it has worked.
Moreover, the bold steps in allowing my authentic (for lack of a better word, thanks to Oprah) self to shine, has reminded me that who I am is what makes me special. Something I've always felt inside, but with few exceptions, been too afraid of what others might think to unleash it.
What was I scared of? Standing out? Isn't that what I've been working so hard to do?
I guess I'm feeling so uneasy now, because a part of me wonders if I'll be able to continue this inspired state of mind into the new year. If I did so well in 2010, will I be able to top that?
But even as I write the words, and hear them bouncing around in my head, I see how ludicrous this notion is.
Everything in my past has illustrated that my life as a person and artists continues to evolve. There will be setbacks, I'm sure. How I respond to them is up to me.
There's a dark voice that plays in the back of my mind from time to time saying, "What if you don't book another job? What if you don't make it? What if you're forty-five and broke?"
For too long, that voice held me back from unleashing my true potential.
But the spirit inside of me is a fighter, and the flame that was re-lit in my soul is doing everything in its power to reach the darkest crevices in my subconscious- to shine that light and blind the self-doubt that serves no purpose.
"Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you" -Marrianne Williamson
Beside, the only thing in life to fear, is a missed opportunity!
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