Happy Trails Tommy; You Will Be Missed

I entered Joseph Arnold Elementary School two months into my 3rd grade year.  My parents had just relocated our family to Southern California from a small town in Colorado.
I walked onto the campus wearing the perfect Colorado outfit; tan corduroy pants, a western button-down, and Kangaroos.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I stood out from all the blond surfers wearing Gottcha T-shirts, board shorts, and Vans; I looked like a ballerina in a hip-hop class: awkward!
Thankfully, one brave boy, Tom Swayer (YES, that was his real name), walked over and asked me if I wanted to sit next to him––thrilled that I had an instant friend, I said yes!
We transitioned from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts; countless family vacations; soccer games; backpacking trips; he taught me how to body-board during the summer vacation between 4th and 5th grade; school dances, our first girlfriends, late night pranks, wild adventures, and countless conversations about sex, God, and everything in-between.
Yesterday, Tom passed away in a terrible motorbike accident; I am in total shock.
Our lives drifted apart after high school, but thanks to the (sometimes) positive benefits of Facebook, I was able to rekindle our friendship online.
I’m devastated that I missed an opportunity to see him a few short months ago, while I was visiting a few of my friends from my old neighborhood in the South Bay.
We always think we have more time; another lesson remembered: today is all we have––and today––I am mourning the loss of my old pal.
R.I.P. Tommy.

Losing Ego

The idea of letting go of material possessions has never been that difficult for me.  Perhaps it is because I have a sister who is a borderline hoarder.
(I mean that with as much love and support possible while recognizing the truth.)
Growing up, I watched her put so much energy into the memory or an object;
Whereas I’m the opposite, I put equal weight into the idea of a goal.

As I read, A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle, I’m discovering that I too was attaching to possessions––mine just happened to be ideas.

Generally, I’ve been the type of person who forces myself to move on:
From jobs when I feel they’ve served their purpose,
Friendships that no longer serve the wellbeing of either party,
Televisions shows that have run their course,
Fad diets that stop working,
You get the point.

The pain from loss is intense, and secretly there is a part of me that enjoys the discomfort––which is why I challenge myself to let go of previously mentioned circumstances.

Now I’m focused on how much I will hold onto an idea––even if it no longer serves me.  A powerful question (from Tolle’s book) has enticed my mind to rethink loss:

“Has who you are become diminished by the loss?”

I’ve never been afraid of dropping jobs or friendships because I’ve never felt less-than by releasing them.  Yet, I’ll hold onto an idea (even if it’s no longer important) for fear of feeling inadequate.
I’m ready to release the ego in order to make room for new opportunities.

Loss

The pain of losing a loved one is deep and constant.
Rejoice in their memory;
Remember the times they made you laugh or touched your soul.
Find comfort in their peace and celebrate their life.
The pain will linger, but so will the love.

Hawaiian Vacation Day 13

Today I celebrate and honor the spirit of my Gram.  She taught me almost everything I know, and certainly inspired me to laugh, love, dance and never give up!

One of her favorite quotes was, "Bloom where you're planted."

As a kid, I hated that thought- "Why not dig yourself out and bloom somewhere else if you're unhappy."

Now, I see the beauty in the thought.  There will be many pit stops along the path of life, if you learn how to flourish despite them, you will always grow, evolve, "bloom!"

I miss her so much, but I will continue to shine on in her honor! 

Love you gram! 

Christmas Without Gram

Accepting loss is never easy,
This was my first Christmas without Gram.
I missed hearing her voice say, "Merry Christmas."
The way she would remind me of all our blessings.
The smell of the savory holiday fixings.
I yearned for her long embrace.
It was a joyous day of celebration, but there was a huge hole in my heart.
I no longer have Gram her on earth,
If Christmas has taught me anything, it's to Believe in the spirit-
And I do.
Merry Christmas Gram,
I love you.

Missing Gram

Woke up feeling sad,

Really missing Gram.

Her spirit is around, I know.

I just wish I could call her and hear her voice.

Trying to remember that she's no longer in pain,

I just wish I could say the same.

Guardian Angel

Losing gram this week was extremely devastating.
She was my best friend;
No one has ever inspired me,
Or believed in me more.
She was the first person I shared my victories with,
She eased the sting of my setbacks.
She reminded me of my accomplishments,
She knew my worth, and had faith in my talent.
I know that my life will go on,
I imagine the pain will never fully go away-
I just keep reminding myself that I could not have a better person as my guardian angel!
I trust that she will be up there working double time.
And nobody is more charmingly persistent,
Or effective at convincing people to take a chance!
I love you gram.

Remembering Gram

It's too painful to write about this right now,
But I'm fighting to celebrate my grams life, rather than mourn it...
May 6, 1936 ~ June 29, 2013

Accepting Loss...

Today should be a wonderful day-
After several incredibly stressful but highly productive months of work and creativity, I'm on my way to Hawaii for a week long vacation.
Paradise right?
Unfortunately my trip started off with an emotional misstep.
I have a terrible habit of removing my grandfathers ring that I'd started wearing after he passed away.
It was a simply solid gold class ring that he wore in high school and I've worn every day since his death.
While the ring itself was probably only worth a few hundred dollars, the emotional connection was priceless.
Somewhere between the bathroom and the terminal I took the ring off to apply some lotion hand lotion.
Ordinarily I take special care to put the ring in my pocket and return it to my finger as soon as I've finished the task at hand. This time I was careless.
The worst part is, I didn't realize the ring was no longer on my finger until the airplane was speeding down the runway.
After talking to the flight attendants I learned that the only thing I can do is contact the airport when I land in Hawaii to see if anyone has turned it in...
I'm devastated!
I have no one to blame but myself.
I've lost a piece of my grandfather that I wasn't ready to give up.
So it looks like my vacation is starting with sadness, guilt, punishment and the fact that I have to accept the kiss of my grandpa all over again...
And on Father's Day!

Grandpa

I can't believe it's been a year.
I can still hear your laugh, as you point your finger my direction and say;
"Don't make dust!"
From time to time I'll call home, hoping to talk to you...
You shared great joy and wisdom to my life for thirty-one years.
The pain of losing you is deep-
My memories of you are strong,
they keep me smiling when the sadness becomes overwhelming.
I remember; "Don't be sad, Matt."
I'm doing my best-
I really miss you grandpa!