Missing Gram

Woke up feeling sad,

Really missing Gram.

Her spirit is around, I know.

I just wish I could call her and hear her voice.

Trying to remember that she's no longer in pain,

I just wish I could say the same.

Guardian Angel

Losing gram this week was extremely devastating.
She was my best friend;
No one has ever inspired me,
Or believed in me more.
She was the first person I shared my victories with,
She eased the sting of my setbacks.
She reminded me of my accomplishments,
She knew my worth, and had faith in my talent.
I know that my life will go on,
I imagine the pain will never fully go away-
I just keep reminding myself that I could not have a better person as my guardian angel!
I trust that she will be up there working double time.
And nobody is more charmingly persistent,
Or effective at convincing people to take a chance!
I love you gram.

An Unexpected Trip Home...

Last minute trip out of town,
I wish I could say it's for fun...
Gram is not well,
Struggling with Parkinson's.
She's tired, weak and not eating.
Every journey has a destination,
But the best adventures end too soon!
This is the hardest part of life-

The Thing About Death...

Death is the universal common denominator-

We know we can't escape it, 

Yet we fight to stay young, healthy, active...

We ignore the signs in our aging loved ones.

They deny it too.

No matter how sick, old, tired, hurt or in pain-

I can't imagine anyone is really ever ready to leave this earth.

It's a great unknown.

For many, Faith helps ease the idea and transition,

Still, when faced with death up close and personal,

We fight what we aren't willing to admit-

Death is the worst part of life.

The Aftermath...

My visit home was (at times) very difficult, heartbreaking and overwhelming.
Thankfully on the last day, I was able to gain a fresh perspective and achieve some sense of peace-
Gram was having a very good day, so I took the opportunity to share with her my deepest gratitude, love, respect and admiration.  I managed between fighting back tears and snot, to inform her that she was (and continues to be) my number one driving force, inspiration and role model.
I would not have accomplished half of my achievements in life, had it not been for her unending support.
I told her what a brilliant mother and grandmother she is, and that I will never forget her spirt.
When she replied, it was articulate, sensitive, gentle, loving, humorous and emotional.  (Everything my grandma had been before Parkinson’s took over her body.)
We embraced for a long time, and I asked her if she could still dance with me.
“Of course” she replied. Grabbed my waist and held on as her feet began to step touch and sway side to side.  I was delighted.
We danced, I cried.
She then stopped, looked down at her leg and started shaking it rapidly,
simulating the movement that takes over when she’s having and episode,
“See, it even helps me dance!”   she said, referring to the disease.
She started laughing and I joined in.
That’s the most inspiring thing about my gram, she never lets life get her down!
I love her so much.  I have great hope and faith that we will have many more dances before the music ends!

A Trip Home- Day 5

The time has come for me to leave,
A lot of uncertainty.
Despite the painful truths of life I enjoyed spending time with my family.
I got to spend quality time with my mom, dad, sister and beautiful niece on this trip which doesn't always happen.
Visiting with my cousins, aunties and uncles...
And of course my BOTH of my gram's and grandpa.
It's brutal to realize the facts of life-
Especially when illness is a factor.
It's hard enough to accept that everybody ages...
Time does not stand still!
Ultimately, I'm so grateful for the time I got to spend here.
There were brutal moments, no doubt.
But I know I've been blessed with a loving family, and I trust in Gods plan.

A Trip Home- Day 4

I've been working away from my family for 16 years with the goal of manifesting my passion into a career.
I'm so close to achieving my greatest dream, and that moment of accomplishment may not happen in time to share with the one person who has had the most faith and influence on me.
I am so drained. My heart & mental health are exhausted and there is nothing I can do.

A Trip Home- Day 3

Nothing could have prepared me for this...
The physical symptoms are minor compared to the mental and emotional anguish.
I have so much love and respect for my dad;
courage, patients and faith.
I have so much sympathy for my gram-
She knows the disease is taking over.
I have such disappointment in myself.
I thought my love would make it easier, but I have been tested and failed.
I will try harder tomorrow.

A Trip Home- Day 2

Grateful I get to spend time with family.
I forgot how much fun and laughter we share!
I always try to do too much when I come home,
Running around trying to squeeze in everything.
Then:
Parkinson's Disease is ugly and unfair!
I'm frustrated with my lack of patients!
I love my gram more than anything-
Some days she fights;
She is not the same.
Then without warning she's back!
Laughing, smiling, happy.
Her stubbornness never leaves!
I'm grateful for my time home, I just need to work on my tolerance.

A Trip Home- Day 1

I love spending time with my family.
In some regard it's as if time stands still between visits,
And then there are the moments of complete realization-
I've been gone for 16 years.
It happens so fast!
The hardest part is accepting that I made a choice to follow my dream,
Which meant missing out on so many wonderful occasions.
Thankfully, I still have the highlights.
My Gram's diseases is not one of them.
It is taking over her body;
Uncontrollable shaking,
Uneasy walking and speech.
A really bad tremor can last hours.
I can see her mind fighting it.
Her frustration builds.
Her heart and spirit remain unaffected-
That's the hardest part for me to watch.
I cannot change the past,
Nor can I change the situation...
But I can be present and remember to enjoy the positive aspects of the time I have here-
At home, with family and on earth.

RecoNEcT Working! Week 10

This week I'm sending a thank you to a woman who has literally been a Godsend in my life.

My grandma lives 2,000 miles away and suffers from Parkinson's Disease.  Because of the nature of Parkinson's, one minute my grandma shows no signs of being sick, and within seconds she can become completely unable to walk, or function without assistance.

Of course this has been a difficult path for her and our family-

Especially because I live so far away.

I'm only able to help by checking in with her daily via the phone.

Fortunately, my grandma has a group of life long friends that act as her; hands when she can't write, her legs when she can't walk and her company when she gets lonely.

I'm reaching out to one of her oldest friends, who has dedicated her time, energy, love and support to helping my grandma when family is not available.

To put it simply, she is an angel.  We are blessed to have her in our lives.

Hallucinations

It's starting slowly,
She's seeing things that aren't there.
How do you take away an independent woman's freedom?
The alternatives are not an option.
She will hurt herself or someone else.
The disease is moving fast.
It's not something I can't fully grasp-
She has always been my rock.

Side Note: Grandma's Parkinson's

I call grandma several times a day to remind her to take her medication-
She has Parkinson's disease and the pill she takes five times a day helps her to function and talk with more ease and regularity.
The only problem is if someone doesn't reminder her, she may forget to take it.
That's where I come in...
Aside from the fact that I've been talking to my grandma almost everyday since I left home at eighteen to follow my dreams, calling her to take her pill is an opportunity to visit with her and make sure she's well.
Lately however, she's been forgetting her phone in various places; restaurants, friends' houses, the car...
(Most likely because of her illness or ironically enough a side effect of her medicine.)
Regardless, it is frightening for me!
My mind begins to wonder.
When I finally get ahold of her, she feels bad.
That, of course is not my goal.
So today when I called and finally reached her- she started laughing.
Without my prompt she said, "you're going to have to start reminding me to check for my phone so that you can call me to take my pill!"
We both laughed out loud at the hilarious thought.
That's what I love and admire most about my grandma- her spirit has never ceases to shine, no matter what life throws her. Her faith is strong.
I hope to be as wealthy as her one day!