Dinner With Friends

When preparing a birthday dinner for yourself;
Remember:
Inviting friends to a restaurant is so much easier.
Still, it is nice to share my grandma’s spaghetti and meatballs with my inner circle.
In honor of Gram’s birthday––I went all out.
Tomorrow, I’m going to sleep all day.

A Visit From Gram

I savored her embrace, gentle but firm;
I could smell her perfume and hear her laugh.
I even got to dance with her again.
It felt so real––I didn’t realize it was a dream until I woke up.
But at least I got to say goodbye.

The Golden Girls

It doesn't matter where I'm at or what time of day––if The Golden Girls are on TV, I have to watch.
My favorite viewing place is a hotel room (similar to the room I'm in now) because I never feel guilty spending hours laying in bed laughing with my friends.
The Golden Girls to the gays is like anything on ESPN to guys.
I've seen every episode at least three times, but just like a conversation with my gram, I find new wisdom and humor each time.
Thank you Hallmark for being a friend.
Whether you like it or not, you're making gay men everywhere smile.

Family Vacation, Saying Goodbye

Family vacation,
Spending time with the people I love;
Laughing a lot and eating more!
Italian passion is wrapped in emotions-  AKA calories.
My family is crazy, hilarious, loud and opinionated.
Despite the moody moments, our quality time was filled with joy.
Highlight: wonderful one-on-one time with my sister and my beautiful niece.
(The first vacation with my sister since high school!)
The time is near to say our goodbyes.
When I was a kid, that meant a lot of tears.
As an adult, I value the time I have and look forward to the next one!
Hopefully sooner than later.
I love my family.

I Saw The Sign

Every year, we usually end up with tickets to the Hollywood Bowl.

I love it.

The music, culture, friends, food wine and people watching-

It's the perfect LA moment!

Last night was special for me. Not because Steve Martin was performing, though he was very entertaining.

One of my favorite moments at the Bowl, is as the sun sets behind the Hollywood Hills, the dusk heightens the romantic atmosphere-

Then, I always see it, right near the famous Hollywood sign, there's a gigantic Cross lite up.

I see that Cross on every trip to the bowl, and each time it feels like the first- a significant sign just for me.

"Remember Matthew, God is with you. You are safe. You have nothing to fear."

Last night however, I did not see that Cross.

It turns out the seats that we'd been given were perfectly placed in a gorgeous section of the outdoor theatre, and right next to us was a very lovely old tree hiding the Cross.

It suddenly dawned on me,

"Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there."

It was the most brilliant analogy for Faith.

It came at the exact moment in my life that I needed it.

After losing my gram, the doubt and questioning of my path and purpose in life began to seep in like a slow killing poison. 

I miss her so much, and no matter how many times I've tried to release my pain, my downward spiral continued.

I was remind last night, that in no way is my lack of Faith or sadness serving God or the spirit of my grandma. 

My time on this earth is short-

God has had a magnificent presence in everything good in my life.

I'd rather spend whatever time I have here filled with; happiness, hope, passion, love and Faith.

Whether I can see it or not, God has a path for me, I have to trust that it's there.

Guardian Angel

Losing gram this week was extremely devastating.
She was my best friend;
No one has ever inspired me,
Or believed in me more.
She was the first person I shared my victories with,
She eased the sting of my setbacks.
She reminded me of my accomplishments,
She knew my worth, and had faith in my talent.
I know that my life will go on,
I imagine the pain will never fully go away-
I just keep reminding myself that I could not have a better person as my guardian angel!
I trust that she will be up there working double time.
And nobody is more charmingly persistent,
Or effective at convincing people to take a chance!
I love you gram.

RIP Gram

The worst part of life, is saying goodbye to the ones you love most.

Gram is no longer in pain-

That's the only comforting thought.

I will miss hearing her voice.

#Sad #LongDay

In Memory of Sharlene (Gram) Shaffer 1936 - 2013

Sharlene Marie Shaffer, 77, of Florence, passed away Saturday, June 29, 2013 with her family by her side. Sharlene was born in Canon City, CO on May 6, 1936 to Mike and Mary (Moschetti) Brator. After graduating from Florence High School, Sharlene began her journey as a wife, mother, grandmother, and community role model. She married her high school sweetheart, Anthony Lawrence Shaffer, and remained happily married for 54 years, until Anthony's passing in 2009.
Sharlene was an active member of her sorority Epsilon Sigma Alpha- the Omega Chi chapter, and just received her 45 year pin. Sharlene was a true leader. She used her creativity, intelligence and outgoing personality in every aspect of her life. She was passionate about every project, job or adventure she took on, including her involvement with St. Benedict's church, the Pioneer Day Board, the Library Board, Fremont County Democratic Committee, working at St. Joseph's Manor, in addition to co-owning Shaffer's Still with her husband for 15 years.
Her favorite pass times always involved her family and friends. She loved trips to Las Vegas and Cripple Creek, playing bingo, dancing at Karaoke, playing in multiple Pinochle clubs, volunteering in her community and bragging about her grandkids.
Sharlene was preceded in death by her husband; Anthony Lawrence Shaffer, parents; Mike and Mary (Moschetti) Brator, and many other cherished relatives. She is survived by her son Tony (Louise), grandchildren; Matthew, Shiree, Julianne, and Abby, great- grandchildren; Kellyn, Seth and Olivia, and numerous cousins, nieces, nephews and friends.

The Price Of Death

Never mind the emotional loss,
I'm shocked and overwhelmed with how much it cost to die.
Everything has a price tag!
On the positive side;
There has been a nonstop barrage of;
donuts, deli platters, cheese plates, veggie trays, fruit salads and beverages!
...and plenty of company to eat, remember, cry and rejoice!
#IMissMyGram

Remembering Gram

It's too painful to write about this right now,
But I'm fighting to celebrate my grams life, rather than mourn it...
May 6, 1936 ~ June 29, 2013

An Unexpected Trip Home...

Last minute trip out of town,
I wish I could say it's for fun...
Gram is not well,
Struggling with Parkinson's.
She's tired, weak and not eating.
Every journey has a destination,
But the best adventures end too soon!
This is the hardest part of life-

The Aftermath...

My visit home was (at times) very difficult, heartbreaking and overwhelming.
Thankfully on the last day, I was able to gain a fresh perspective and achieve some sense of peace-
Gram was having a very good day, so I took the opportunity to share with her my deepest gratitude, love, respect and admiration.  I managed between fighting back tears and snot, to inform her that she was (and continues to be) my number one driving force, inspiration and role model.
I would not have accomplished half of my achievements in life, had it not been for her unending support.
I told her what a brilliant mother and grandmother she is, and that I will never forget her spirt.
When she replied, it was articulate, sensitive, gentle, loving, humorous and emotional.  (Everything my grandma had been before Parkinson’s took over her body.)
We embraced for a long time, and I asked her if she could still dance with me.
“Of course” she replied. Grabbed my waist and held on as her feet began to step touch and sway side to side.  I was delighted.
We danced, I cried.
She then stopped, looked down at her leg and started shaking it rapidly,
simulating the movement that takes over when she’s having and episode,
“See, it even helps me dance!”   she said, referring to the disease.
She started laughing and I joined in.
That’s the most inspiring thing about my gram, she never lets life get her down!
I love her so much.  I have great hope and faith that we will have many more dances before the music ends!

A Trip Home- Day 1

I love spending time with my family.
In some regard it's as if time stands still between visits,
And then there are the moments of complete realization-
I've been gone for 16 years.
It happens so fast!
The hardest part is accepting that I made a choice to follow my dream,
Which meant missing out on so many wonderful occasions.
Thankfully, I still have the highlights.
My Gram's diseases is not one of them.
It is taking over her body;
Uncontrollable shaking,
Uneasy walking and speech.
A really bad tremor can last hours.
I can see her mind fighting it.
Her frustration builds.
Her heart and spirit remain unaffected-
That's the hardest part for me to watch.
I cannot change the past,
Nor can I change the situation...
But I can be present and remember to enjoy the positive aspects of the time I have here-
At home, with family and on earth.

That's Life

Today I had a list of shit on my desk a mile long of all the things that I needed to get accomplished...

Guess what?

I got to cross two things off that list!

What a sad day.

It hurts my head and my heart when I don't get to slash a bold line across some silly task that should only take five minutes to finish!

UHG.

Like my Gram always says, "That's life Mattsky! You've got to take the good with the bad."

I'm ready for the good to keep back in!

My Little Gram

So cute and loving;
Cozy in her favorite chair-
Fighting sleep while trying to watch a movie.
The dog asleep happily on her warm lap;
He loves her as much as I do,
Unconditional and constant-
The most giving person I know...
I love her so much.