This Is Your Life...

There comes a moment when you realizes: Yep, this is my life right now- either get on board or spend your time miserable!
For me it's always the same old story... I fight like hell to stay positive. Enlightened. Happy.
I try to remember that so far I've had a pretty excellent life.
Nevertheless, there are those days when you come face to face with the reality of your world- the bad, the sad and the painful.
A trip back home is like an unplanned, unpredictable opportunity to uncover the world that you've become an outsider to.
My life goes on while I'm in Los Angeles pursuing my career. So I'm not sure why I expect the members of my family to live in suspended reality.
My cousins grow up. My mom changes her hair style. My dad rebuilds another bicycle. My sister has a beautiful baby girl named Kellyn. My grandma's Parkinson's takes a deeper impact on her body. Each incident is only as significant as I allow them to be. Individually the impact is not as strong (with the exception of my sisters baby) and yet, when they're lumped together in a two week visit- the magnification takes its toll.
Still, I cannot shake the echo of my Grandpa Shaffer's voice as he was dying in the hospital, "Don't be sad Matt."
Over the past year and a half, I've carried his voice in my head, trying to maintain a positive attitude even in the worst of scenarios.
Overall, the outcome of the positive energy has lead to a productive and blessed year...
So I'm disappointed that this trip has been so rough on me. I believe I have the choice to remain happy. I trust that everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible for me to ignore my grandma's condition.
To see the woman who inspired me throughout my life; my mentor, role model, cheerleader and best friend struggle to walk, swallow food, or fight to find the word to finish her thought- it is pure devastation.
But I believe that I have to continue to live my life. I fight with my inner judgement when it comes to this choice. At times it feels like I'm pretending, putting on an act so that I don't have to deal with the reality and pain. I want to accept that keeping a positive energy breeds a happier outcome for everyone involved...
So tonight, when I found myself leaving my seventy-four year old Grandma at home alone to visit with my mom at the home town bowling alley, I felt like I made the wrong choice. Nevertheless, I was there and thought I might as well make the best of it! I looked around the small but cool bowling alley, and all of the happy people bowling and enjoying the Christmas covered dish party that was going on simultaneously, and thought: "This is your life right now... You are here. So you might as well enjoy it!" I went to the bar and grabbed a drink, loaded up a plate of food and started to relax. No sooner than I did that, my cousin and his wife and children walked in and the night was a total blast!
Once again reminding me that no matter what life gives you- the opportunity to make the choice to find the positive in a situation will always end happier than the negative.