The Story Continues. . . On Tumblr!

My daily thoughts;
Self-reflection, nonsense, inspiration, laughter, and rants––continue;
Daily—on Tumblr.

Joyous Presence:

What a year. What a decade!
Marriage. Homeownership. Twice published, director. Traveling and enjoying family and friends.
Naturally, I still have dreams that I hope will manifest, but I'm ready to release the personal demands and expectations that I set in my twenties.
An abundant life full of adventure and opportunities; I have nothing left to prove and everything still to understand.
My only goal or resolution for 2020: Joyous presence.
I won't lie.  I'm incredibly nervous to let go.
I've spent twenty years working towards this life; it's time to mix it up.
There was a Zen quote that I fell in love with in my early twenties (I'm paraphrasing):
You can look and you will find it;
You can not look, and you will find it;
That which is truly yours, will surely come to you.
I thought I understood this completely; still I pushed, hustled, planned, and fought.
Surrender begins tomorrow!
Happy New Year.

Zen:

Fireplace.

Apple+

Husband; Shih Tzu.

Sparkling water.

The Final Countdown:

Another year draws to an end.
On the heels of a new decade, I'm steadying myself for a new chapter.
The past ten years brought me phenomenal adventures, epic career successes, and the monumental loss of two of the most influential people in my life.
The past year alone, alongside my husband and creative partner, I published my second book; co-directed and choreographed a sold-out professional production of Matilda; and curated a daily improvised video dance project.
The end of this year and decade also marks 3,650 daily blog entries. After losing my Grandpa Shaffer, I was inspired to be more proactive.  I dedicated myself to writing something (anything) daily, with the goal of establishing a productive habit to encourage my evolution as an artist and human.
I'm proud of my journey thus far.
I'm forty-one years old, and I have managed to achieve a version of the life that I dreamed about as a child.  I've learned to accept that situations and accomplishments aren't always what we expect them to be or feel like; I've grown to appreciate that life provides me with what I need, precisely when I need it; and I've surrendered to the fact that the only thing I can truly control is how I will react to life.
I'm ready to release the constant need for more. I relinquish the impossible demand for perfection.
In two days, I will wrap this version of life that I've been living, and make myself available for the life that has been waiting for me:
I welcome joyous presence.

Why?

I hate technology.
Has it revolutionized human evolution? Sure. But it's also caused massive stress.
Remember Y2K?
Even as I sit on my comfy chair, typing on my laptop, I find myself resentful.
Whether it's a spinning track wheel, a frozen cursor, or a glitch on the home screen of my "smart" phone, I'm over it!
Today's rant was brought to you by: Every website that has a "Remember My Username" box, that doesn't stay ticked!

Anew:

I was standing in the shower of our new condo when it dawned on me:
My first book had just received a publishing deal and I had booked a dream job on a Netflix series; I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio's character from Titanic––I was the king of my world.
Rather than soaking up the joy of the moment, I stood in fear as the hot water from our fancy new shower fixtures poured over me.
"How will I use the success of these two lifelong dreams, to get to the next level?"
Then, instantly, I felt paralyzed.
"What if no one buys my book?" "What if they buy it, and hate it?" "What if I never book another job on TV?" "What if this is it?"
As the sting of the scalding shower splashed down on my back, I declared aloud: It's never going to be enough.
Instantly, I made an agreement with myself to find a new path.
I've spent so much of my life planning, pushing, hustling, dealing, leveraging, hoping, dreaming, praying, fighting. It was time to stop this nonsense. But how?
It's been almost six years, and this question has bounced back and forth nonstop since that night.
Thankfully, I have continued to work, create, and enjoy adventure––but still there is this undeniable drive that is entirely ego––which I know will crush me eventually.
The time has come; I've reached a brilliant turning point in my life and outlook.
I'm truly ready to release and trust unconditionally.
Letting go of the patterns, habits, lists, goals, and insane expectations.
My path for 2020 and the decade of my 40's is to be present and find joy in every moment.
I spent 40 years doing it "my way".  Yes, I've had brilliant opportunities and I hope to continue to create along my journey.  Still, the time has come to let go of my (false sense) of control and accept my present; for better or worse.
It's time to put life before my career.

The Day After . . .

The moment Christmas passes, I'm ready for a total tree takedown!
Call it my (self-diagnosed) OCD––and perhaps a dash of fear thinking that I'll forget that Christmas has already happened––but I can't stand looking at holiday cheer littering our house.
Where once I saw love, light, and the spirit of family and friends gathering;
The day after I see consumerism, waste, gluttony, and the lack of family and friends; I might add those extra bodies could help strike Christmas!
I sit with my holiday hangover and gaze in every direction;
The merry extravaganza is over and now the cleanup begins.
Hall out the Christmas and all of those things that no longer serve me. . . it's time to make space for 2020!

The Joy of Christmas:

Last night, while reading Twas the Night Before Christmas to our Goddaughters, I was inundated with cozy memories of my childhood at Christmastime.
Cuddling with gram drinking soda and eating too much candy;
Picking out the one package we'd get to open the night before Santa came––why was it always pajamas?
Surrounded by family and laughter, watching Christmas movies and playing board games––there was always a few stops past the refrigerator for a heaping pile of mashed potatoes and fourth (but why are you counting) serving of spaghetti and meatballs. . .
After spending half of my life performing or working in shows during the holidays, some of the charm dissipates.
Now, in our forties, and without children of our own, this time of year can feel less special.
Thankfully, our extended family, nieces, nephews, and godchildren are near and enjoy having us over!
It was so fun watching Abby set a trap to catch Santa so that she could "ask him a few questions".
Or witnessing Audrey run into the living room to see all of the gifts that Santa left behind––she ran straight toward the microphone stand––she clearly has a spark for the performing arts and loves the attention.
The joy of Christmas is alive and well, you just have to explore it through children's eyes.
Also, our country is spoiled and consumerism is gross.
Merry Christmas!

Joy

As far back as I can remember, I was the kid who would ride to the supermarket with gram for last minute Christmas necessities.
All these years later, nothing has changed.
I went to the grocery store to pick up a cheeseball––because as trashy as they sound––they're delicious and always the first thing to be mopped off the plate.
Standing in an ocean of angry holiday hosts, a smile emerged from the tide and I found my place in a short line.
Once to the cash register, I had a pleasant exchange with a Ralph's employee who was earning double pay and headed to her family tomorrow.  Her outlook reminded me:
We all have the power to enjoy the present.
I left glowing and ready for a brilliant Christmas Eve!

Deck The Mall:

Deck the mall with hot dads shopping;
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
‘Tis the season to be charging;
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Don we now an angry shopper;
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Troll the sales and spend more money;
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Christmas Lump

It’s not coal;

It’s my gut from too much toffee, baguette, butter, and booze.

‘Tis the season!

(Another) White Christmas:

One screening of the American musical classic is just not enough;
Tonight, we gather around the glowing screen for round four.
It might be sunny and sixty degrees outside;
But our fireplace is lit!

Catching Up. . .

When you’re gone for five weeks, you lose touch with your close friends and family;
Coordinating schedules during the holidays can be daunting.
Where there is love and a free thirty minutes, there’s time for coffee, a quick gossip session, and a hug!
Tis the season to be constantly driving from one party to the next!

Do Nothing:

I didn't get out of my pajamas;
"It's A Wonderful Life" played on a loop and I ate toffee and chips all day.
Occasionally, I watched the flames dance in our fireplace.
I'm so grateful for the blank space on my calendar!

Vacation:

Pajamas all day;
Cuddling with our furry creature on the couch all day.
Reading next to the flickering fireplace.
Too much candy and plenty of cocktails.
Christmas songs on a loop in the background;
It’s time to hibernate!

Ready? Set. Go!

Twelve hours on a set;
Home to feed the dog and crash on the couch;
5A.M. wake up call––headed back to the set.
Living my childhood dreams; the hours are crushing, but the sense of joy and accomplishment prevail!

All Set!

I get to spend the next two days working with a talented group of artists on a film set.
Overwhelmed by my schedule for the past three months, I have taken this shoot for granted.
Following a camera blocking rehearsal last night, I woke up this morning loaded with creative energy and excitement.
I’ve spent my entire life dreaming, training, and working so that I could secure opportunities like this, and here I am wishing it would be over.
Obviously, I need to refocus and refuel.  Stress has always been a destructive force in my life; up until recently, I thought it motivated me and inspired a deeper layer in my work.
Vastly wrong; since turning forty, I determined that I thrive when I am positive, calm, and confident.  Three attributes that will only manifest when I am void of drama.
Looking forward to 2020, I am purging my obsession with goals, plans, and lists.  I’m ready to live in presence, without fear.
But first, today: I’m prepared to walk onto the set and cherish the fact that I’m living my childhood dreams.

Rushing

Nothing ever gets accomplished coRectly when you rush!

Scrumptious Saturday:

I sat on my couch watching Christmas movies all day;
Then, laughed and drank all night at a Christmas party downtown LA!

Six Word Essay Winter Break:

My priorities: couch, movies, food, family!

During yoga . . . .

While lying in shavasana balling my eyes out after an epic 48 hours of flying, directing, and defending my character, I heard our yogi say, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”
A brilliant quote from Rumi;
I instantly released the fear that I still hadn’t managed to shake by the end of class.  Suddenly, I was present, the light entered, and the healing began.

Let Go:

The opportunity to turn a negative situation into a positive;
Lies in the ability to take a breath, release, and move on.
That’s today’s goal.

Bad Day:

When you think you’re saying, “yes”;
But the world hears no.

Satisfied Stillness:

The moment you complete a goal, project, or manifest a dream;
The stillness that follows:
A brilliant, warming, joy radiating from the soul.
There is nothing that can tarnish the gratitude that comes with inspired accomplishment.

And Just Like That . . . .

Our job is done.
While the curtain will continue to rise and the cast will surely shine on;
Jeff and I will take our bow and exit stage left.
Directing and choreographing a musical for a company of twenty-five professional performers has been rewarding in ways I never imagined.
With every new opportunity comes creative evolution, personal growth, and another step towards realizing our true potential.
Now, onward into the unknown.

Opening Night:

Pre-production meetings, conference calls, research, exploring in the studio;
The rehearsal process: discovering the characters and working through the material;
The tech process: finding new layers, overcoming obstacles, mastering the movement, and pushing the cast to new levels;
Now, the time has come to let our brilliant show soar, trusting the cast will continue our creative journey––the show is in their hands!

Life:

Laughing through the shit.

Not In Sync:

Cloud based uploading, requires soul based “let going”;
Waiting for technology drives me mad!
We don’t see eye to eye;
Do I have any human support? Because I’m positive my cloud backup––does not have my back!

Creativity Exploding:

Vibrant bursts of magic in every direction;
Our talented cast shines.
Hours of directing and choreographing performers;
Guiding them through character choices;
Collaborating with the creative team through sets, sound, costumes, props, and layered lights;
The story is beginning to dance:
The journey of discovering a life that started on a page and finally takes the stage!

Fluffy White:

Snow covers the ground like whipped cream;
A cozy cabin backlit by the warmth of a crackling fire would be joyous.  Christmas songs playing in the background while we snuggle up on the couch with plenty of fur throws, a rich cup of spiked hot chocolate, and a juicy book.
It’s a nice dream, but the sound of my alarm clock jolts me back to reality:
It’s tech day at the theater; we’ve got work to do!

Pounding:

I woke up with a splitting headache;
The kind that only a day of lying in bed in total darkness will cure.
Happy day off!

On With The Show!

The last day of cue-to-cue;
Setting the cast on stage;
So many uncertainties;
But the audience will rage! . . . with delight.

Tech Day 2:

Sitting in the house, gazing at the gorgeous set;
The actors hit their marks.
Two weeks of rehearsal manifesting on on stage;
The orchestra plays, the lights cross fade, and the crew is calling the shots.
I love theater.

Leftovers:

Salty childhood memories;
Another day of debauchery.
Stuffing my face; literally.

Tradition:

Lounging with our lattes watching Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade;
The Broadway sampling, like a box of Sees Candy, you get a delicious taste of what’s new in musical theater.
The marching bands, the floating stages filled with B-listers, the flying cartoon balloons all strolling down the street.
The famous people sharing their gratitude; it’s never for their fifteen minutes.
Finally, the eye-high kicking Radio City Rockettes––so many friends we know!
I did that. I was there once, too!
I’m grateful for a lifetime of creative adventures shared with family and friends.

Water Under the Bridge:

Moves fast;
But always passes over the same rocky bottom.

Save The Theatrics:

I’m working to distance myself emotionally from a reaction from one negative entity in an otherwise positive experience.
The creative process can often be intense, raw, and overwhelming;
I refuse to be caught up in drama––as a director and choreographer––I prefer the theatrics to unfold on stage, not the rehearsal process.

Sunny Days:

Remind me that I can let go of the dark, grey, rainy, emotions that twist in my mind.
The bitter chill of my response;
Melted by the warmth of a new day.
Another storm passes.

Transition:

I felt the shift long after the transformation had begun;
Transitions are like that.

Run Through:

We’ve spent the past two weeks exploring.
Setting blocking; choreographing production numbers; exploring characters; signing off on: sets, costumes, props; and collaborating with the talented artists of the Penobscot Theater Company.
Now it’s time to run the show and see where we’re at before we move into the theater for tech.
I love my job!

Meditation:

Giving my mind a break;
Noise in the media––Tweets are loud.
Eyes closed, I breathe deep and release a sigh.
Fresh energy fills my body;
I am present.

In Lieu Of Yoga:

I am spending my fifth day fixed on my television set;
I’m an addict and can’t get enough of the impeachment hearings;
If this persists, I’m going to need a THINervention.

The Tickle:

It starts in the back of my throat and creeps up to my nose;
I pop Zinc and endure a spicy shot of oregano oil;
The goal is to catch it before the tickle wiggles around and becomes a nasty cough––if that happens I know I’m screwed.
I hate colds!

Glued:

To the television set with a box of popcorn like it’s a Summer Tentpole Franchise Film.
The impeachment hearings are in full swing and just like a Hollywood blockbuster, the opening statements deliver an action sequence loaded with scandal, betrayal, and outright lies.
I sit in awe of how anyone who fashions themselves a patriot could listen to the continuous testimony of nonpartisan, decorated diplomats revealing the lies and corruption involving our president and his interaction with known adversaries, and continue to support him.

Day Off:

Massage;
Laundry;
Movie;
Dinner.

Easing Into My Sunday:

With a pot of coffee,
My journal,
and a cozy corner on the sundrenched couch.

A Four Whiskey Evening Equals:

One Massive Headache;
And (yet another) reminder that I am NOT twenty-five.

Glued:

To the television:
I sit in complete shock listening to the testimony of a former awarded nonpartisan, United States Ambassador, who served for over thirty years under both Republican and Democratic Presidents, revealing disturbing information that our State Department was afraid to exonerate her because of the (possible) repercussions from our president and his Twitter finger.
Meanwhile, our president is live Tweeting––like a guilty second grader––threats against her for testifying the truth.

Work, Work, Work:

When you wake up to an inbox full of questions;
You pour yourself a massive bowl of coffee, turn off the ringer on your phone, and dive in!
One at a time I answer an endless storm of questions––all of which have previously been asked and answered––but when you’re away from your crew the second guessing begins.
Sometimes the work is not letting the work get to you!

Sunny Snow:

Mounds of powdery white clouds atop silhouettes of automobiles;
East coast mountain ranges on city streets.
The sun shines down capturing glittery, glistening diamonds.
How could something so beautiful be so hideous to walk in?
#WinterWonderland

Revelation:

As I approach our second week of rehearsal for “Matilda” at the Penobscot Theater, I recognize a noticeable absence of something:
Stress.
Where once there might have been an overwhelming energy, I now feel a tremendous joy.
In large, part I have to recognize the talent and professionalism of our cast.  It helps to have a group of artists who understands the work at hand and is capable of the daunting scope of the production.
I identified something else, too; the confidence of my journey.
After years of working as a performer, my transition into directing and choreographing made sense. I was able to articulate intention and emotion based on what worked––or didn’t work––for me in past productions.
This obvious sign was unspoken, but stirring inside me on my creative path; but it was only when I was ready to step back and trust, that I surrendered to the idea fully.
During our evolution in life, we hear time and again a version of, “It will happen when you’re ready.”
We roll our eyes and think, “Ya, ya. . . I’m ready!”
Sometimes we’re thrust into things that we’re not ready for and we rise to the occasion; often we’re pushed into something and we fall––in both cases we accept what worked and what did not.
Then, there are those golden moments when we accept the opportunity with pure excitement––our preparation and enthusiasm create our destiny.

Day Off:

I fully intended to sleep in;
Lily, our Shih-Tzu had other plans.
Once my face was fully covered in gentle Lily licks, I rolled out of bed and enjoyed a lazy day in the house.
It’s always strange to have a day off, while on tour. It’s not like you can call up your friends and grab brunch, and as much as I love an adventure, we didn't have the energy to explore Maine in the snow.
So what do you do when you need a little excitement on a snowy day away?
A trip to Target; naturally!

Fashion Emergency:

I’ve now reached the point, where I’ve worn everything in my travel wardrobe to rehearsal.
Life on tour means letting go of vanity;
While embracing the repurposing of fashion!

Saturday in the Theater:

Surrounded by sets and props;
My imagination stirs.
Actors running lines;
Dancers stretching;
Stage management scrambling to make the director’s last minute demands manifest.
Vocal warm-up begins;
On with the show!

Winter Wonderland:

The fluffy, flurries, floating through the air;
I went to bed in the fall and woke up to winter.
Maine, golden, rusty leaves covered in glistening powder.

Just Keep Swimming:

Never discount the truth in an animated story.

The Second Day:

Like your first kiss, first heartbreak, or first major loss, the first rehearsal can be exhilarating and simultaneously nauseating;
Overcoming the fear of the unknown and releasing preconceived expectations can be daunting.
Once the process begins, the anticipation gives way to an adrenaline filled furry of learning music, lines, blocking and choreography;
Pulling off the Band-Aid and jumping into the work head first!
Our cast is brilliant!  Now, we ease into the process with creative joy and imagination.

Living A Dream:

The majority of my life has been consumed with manifesting dreams.

Constantly seeking excellence;

Endlessly striving for the next opportunity;

Eagerly awaiting that childhood fantasy.

Then, a flash of acceptance:

Tenacity, goals, ambitions, setbacks, and victories are the dream;

The big payday is learning to live in that truth.

And We're Off:

Bags packed and prepped by the front door;

Curbside check-in;

TSA Pre-Check;

The creative journey begins.

After years of touring as a performer, and then as a choreographer and educator, I’m delighted to achieve new heights;

New demands as a directing and choreographing team; together with Jeff—we will face bullies—and rebel!

Matilda, here we come.

Next Step, Matilda!

Our bags are packed and the house is clean;
The time approaches, we head to Maine.
A lifetime of setting goals, relentlessly working toward our dreams, and saying yes to every opportunity that presented itself, manifests into a brilliant new creative endeavor.
Every opportunity leads to another magnificent adventure!

Saturday Sweep:

A layer of dust overnight;
The floors are covered in wool from the lush area rugs that protect the hardwood.
A sticky stove from too many meals shared with friends.
The bathroom is always my least favorite to clean.
Our Saturday is spent rejuvenating our beautiful home.
Just in time to leave town for a month. . .
Isn’t it always more pleasant returning to a clean house?

Candy Coma:

I eat Snickers Bars once a year during the week of Halloween;
My face stuffed full of nougat and nuts.
As the caramel drips out of the sides of my mouth, I quickly unwrap and reload.
The shear satisfaction of devouring the mouthwatering candy brings me back to my days in grade school:
When my waistline was the same measurement as my height;
An image that reminds me come November 1st, the Halloween treats end. . .
And so does my candy coma!

Deflated:

The front passenger side tire looks like a rotting Jack-O-Lantern.
There’s no sign of damage; still it slowly seeps a steady stream of air.
Much like my spirit for Halloween festivities, my tire is deflated!

Note To Self:

When you’re performing creative tasks just to quickly get through them and cross them off a list;
The motivational exercise is broken.
What was born to inspire, has lost its effectiveness;
It’s time to find a fresh creative path to encourage and deepen the artistic journey!

The Freeway:

More appropriately the: “Your tax payer dollars paid for this massive stretch of road that spans eight lanes and still feels like a parking lot for the majority of the day in LA.”
Seriously, I left my house––like I always do––thirty minutes earlier than I know I need to, in case I get stuck in unexpected traffic.
Naturally, I sat in aforementioned jam for an forty extra minutes; proving that the only thing you can expect from LA driving patterns is to anticipate illogical road closures, stupid accidents––that SHOULD have been avoid, but happened due to texting––and drivers who don’t pay attention to life.
Arriving safely at the studio with just enough time to write this blog, means it’s time to let go of the gridlock and get into the day!

Monday:

My yoga mat is calling.

Standing tall in Mountain pose I remember my purpose;

Meditation and mindfulness to welcome the sun!

Brunch.

The pancakes were unnecessary, but delicious;
The sparkling Rosé was necessary.
For what is Brunch, if not an opportunity to drink during the day?

Old Bones:

We were invited to a Halloween bash last night;

I drank the Vampire Punch like I was a cast member of the reboot of True Blood 2.Ohhhhhh there’s red wine and tequila in this?

Pumpkin carving, Thriller dancing, and killer conversation.

I was ready to pass out—I glanced at my watch—it was 9:45PM.

How are these people so awake? Then it dawned on me; they’re 28!

I bit the apple and forged on; home by 1AM.

Today, my bones ache and my head is pounding; I’m too old for hipster Halloween parties.

I’m haunted by my past: those days are gone and I’m okay with that!

FriYAY!

When you come to the end of a long week and you remember that you have the full weekend to do whatever you want. . .
ZZZZzzzzz;
Yoga;
Beach;
Repeat!

The Art of Amazon:

Try it on in the department store;
Find it on Amazon;
Buy it for less.
Not great for the local economy, but fabulous for the bank account.
I wonder what kind of residual effect this will have on society?
I'm sure we'll be okay. . .
#Sarcasm

The Calm Before The Storm:

I sit quietly in the studio;
Soon the room will be alive with vibrant artists, eager to deliver their lines.
I devour the moment of silence, an opportunity to collect my thoughts and experiment with ideas before they manifest into action!

A Conversation with Dad:

Nothing has change since I was thirteen;
Two loud, opinionated, Italian guys who always think they’re right.
A pleasant morning check-in, turns into a war of the minds;
Who can outmatch whom?
My dad calls them “Fun facts”, in Trumpnation, I think we call them facts.
Made up lies based on half truths to prove a point.
Either way, I’m so grateful that my dad is alive and well;
Who else will I dispute “big government” with?
I am, my father’s son!

Monday:

In the stillness of the morning;
I am connected with the present.
I hear the birds calling;
Drowning out the rush of traffic on the freeway in the distance.
Los Angeles is coming to life;
I breathe in yoga––grounding myself for a creative day;
A fresh perspective for a new week!

Pumpkin Spice Latte

Your decadent velvety texture stimulates my mouth;

Creamy, sweet, pumpkin sips satisfying my tastebuds!

I feel like I’m drinking a pumpkin pie;

It’s Thanksgiving in a cup!

Saturday in LA:

Sleeping until 10AM, it’s such a luxury;

Lily sits next to me in bed, staring at me with her sad puppy dog eyes, “Please daddy, I need to go for a walk.”

Off to Starbucks, journal in one hand and leash in the other.

There are doggies everywhere, Lily is excited to socialize. I’m excited, too! … . For caffeine!

The vibrant blue sky feels more like a set, it’s the perfect day in LA!

Early Yoga:

Down on the mat at 6AM;

A balanced day.

Yoga reminds me to breath and trust that this moment will provide the support for the next.

My posture is grateful, too!

Audition:

Thirty men in a sweaty dance studio;

Gorgeous bodies isolating;

Fast grounded transitions;

Stylized, classical movement;

I’m proud of myself, at forty-one years old, I can still crush an audition!

Gratitude:

When the drive-thru line at Starbucks has less than five cars;
You rejoice!
When your favorite parking spot on a studio lot is free––saving you a massive hike up hill;
You celebrate!
When you get to rehearsal and everyone is happy;
You have gratitude!
I love my job.

Six Word Essay on Perspective.

The valley is dark; climb up!

Blank Page:

I keep a daily journal of my thoughts, creative ideas, fears, dreams, doubts, and motivational messages to myself.
Yesterday, I reached the last page in my journal;
Today, I faced a new book of blank pages just waiting to be filled.
As I sat staring at the empty white page, I invested a bit of time reflecting on the past year.
The empty white spaces was a reminder about perspective; some might look down and feel overwhelmed by the emptiness.
For me, I remembered the endless opportunities and adventures that await.
Every moment is like my new journal––an open space limited only by what I tell myself.
I took advantage of this fresh chapter.  I released the negative energy and self-doubt that I’ve been collecting over the past ten months and I refocused my thoughts, dreams, and energy toward the present.
When life presents an opportunity, take it.
When life exposes a setback; work through it.
Remain open to the blank page found in every moment.

Sunday in LA:

A Sunday in Los Angeles with my husband and my puppy is as rare as a unicorn and a mermaid sharing cocktails in a bar on Maui.
When these golden photo opportunities happen, I must make the most of it!
Sleeping, mass, yoga, brunch, a movie, laundry, couch-cuddles, and a bath.
All in a day’s work.

Polished:

Shiny buffed nails;

Crisp tight haircut, styled with care;

Tailored Lulu Lemon yoga shorts.

I’m a Dandy and proud of it.

My outer appearance is a direct reflection of my inner being: Vibrant, polished, and happy!

Let Go:

When the rainbow track wheel on my Mac starts to spin endlessly;
I know to walk away.
Like in life, sometimes you have to let go and accept the out-of-control twirling is part of the ride.

Living The Dream:

Yoga;
Conference call;
Production meeting;
Rehearsal;
Dinner at 10PM;
Living the dream!

Pumkin Scone

The scrumptious velvety pumpkin flavor burst in my mouth;
The icing on top. . . is everything!
Dessert for breakfast; absolutely.

Perspective:

In darkness, the wooded landscape is frightening;
In the light of day, the same path is warm and welcoming.
Positive energy is a powerful flashlight.

Monday on My Mat:

The comfort and familiarity of the firm, supportive mat, welcomes the weight of the world—my universe.

I breath in the welcoming idea of new beginnings and release the repetitive patterns in my mind.

I am not my thoughts; nor am I defined by what I do.

The present reminds me that I am: Here.

Snoring Into Sunday:

I slept for nine hours last night;

That might be a new record for me!

A delicious and much needed sleep;

I purposefully did not set an alarm clock;

Thankfully, my snoring woke me up!

Confused Shih Tzu

The watchful eye of Lily, my Shish Tzu, silently judging me.
She sees the bag packed near the door;
It’s no use trying to hide my luggage anymore, she can sense it.
Daddy is going out of town––again.
If only dogs understood the currency of life;
I wonder if she thinks that dog biscuits just grow on trees?!

Free Friday:

No alarm set;
No meetings on the books;
No pressure to finish a project or return an email;
Just pure relaxation.

Through Darkness:

The evil hides in the darkness my mind creates when I surrender to the insecurities that were designed my ego to prevent me from living my true potential.
Without inspiration my passion and faith diminish;
Only the light will guide me back to my path of trust, acceptance, and action.
Greatness is not achieved through doubt;
Lack of motivation will not lead to victory;
Nothing brilliant is ever born out of negative energy; rather it’s accomplished by releasing that energy and embracing the unknown.
I’m ready to jump;
A lifetime of dancing reminds me that the earth will always be there when I land.

Today's Guilty Pleasure:

An everything bagel toasted with butter;
Because carbs and saturated fats remind me of my childhood;
Missing my Italian grandma!

Teach Me:

I used to have all of the answers;
Now, I know: Nothing!
I guess this is what people mean when they say, “Wait until you're forty.”
Nevertheless, I focus on the path in front of me; ready to learn new lessons.

Melancholy Monday

When there’s no rhyme or reason to the sadness inside;
The smiling sun, the chirping birds, the happy trees swaying in the wind:
All mocking me!
Breathing through the pain and searching for light.
I close my eyes and visualize releasing the negative energy. . .
Now, I wait in stillness.

SUNday:

Following a crisp, overcast, grey and rainy LA day;
The sun blasts its radiating energy at full force––it’s not quite time to break out the Uggs!

Couch Crasher:

Early morning meditation, yoga, and errands;
A quick creative session and a podcast interview to promote my new book. . .
Now, I’m crashing on the couch;
Guilt free, I enjoy binge watching Netflix, whilst cuddling with my husband and puppy.
Life is grand.

Clean House:

Scouring, scrubbing, buffing, dusting, vacuuming, fluffing, spraying, waxing, polishing, rinsing, and finally: resting.
I love a clean house, but I hate doing the work.

It's That Time. . .

I’ve reached an age where every little detail matters;
I can either breathe in calm and manage the demands of mid-life, or I can have a heart attack from reacting disproportionately.
So:
More yoga, less couch;
More kale, less meat;
More love, less heat;
More calm, less anger;
More Faith, less fear;
More presence, less planning;
Quality vs. Quantity

High Stakes:

The stakes have been raised, but the game is the same.
Easily, I forget the work and growth that I’ve made over the past twenty years of my career.
With hard work, passion, and tenacity, I’ve managed to enjoy a brilliant adventure in the entertainment industry.
I need not doubt or fear my ability––I just need to do what I do best:
Enjoy the creative process and trust that my past will guide me in the present!

A Moment of Clarity:

In the dimly lit corner of my study, whilst reading Eckhart Tolle, I remembered that fear is nothing more than a lack of presence.
I’ve spent the past year in a constant state of uncertainty; which is nothing new for someone like me––I’ve spent the past 20 years pursuing a job in entertainment.
As the caliber of jobs increases, so does the level of expectation; not to mention the demands from other people.
I’ve allowed the additional burdens of this brilliant career advancement to prevent me from enjoying the process.  What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t live up to expectations? What if . . .
Thankfully, last night I woke up.  When we give into doubt, we’ve already lost.
I’ve spent my life working toward this moment; I am ready.
So I might as well give myself the space to have fun.

Marvelous Monday

Finally, a day off.
I hit my yoga mat at 6AM, giving me a solid foundation to do nothing for the rest of the day!
Not even an ounce of guilt. . . making today a marvelous Monday!

The Dream Is Alive.

A childhood dream stirs a lifelong passion;
Countless hours training and honing my craft;
Every failed audition is a badge of honor;
Every booked job is a validation of my ultimate goal;
It’s not about winning awards, but it’s sure fun to dream!

Sunny Saturday

A gorgeous baby blue sky greets me as I roll out of bed;
Sadness is still hovering—Ginger is not next to me—still I feel the energy of the vibrant day.
The sun is radiating positivity and hope;
Today, I choose to free my mind of the anxiety and workload, and return to the present.

Utterly Overwhelmed:

Pain scale 10;
Red level panic;
Stresscon 9;
I’m moments away from total shutdown;
Why didn’t anyone tell me that getting it all means having no time?

Lost In The Ashes:

Our beloved furry family member is gone;
The crematorium mixed up our little Ginger’s ashes and lost her collar;
The rage doesn’t replace the whole in my heart.
I miss her tiny paws on my lap;
I know that her spirit is not found in the ashes.
It’s time to release my beautiful princess.

The Light:

We often don’t realize how dark it is in a room, until someone comes along and flips on the switch.
Yoga has always provided me with an opportunity to turn on my inner light;
Lately, I’ve been living in the dark corners of my mind;
Today, my yoga teacher (who also happens to be my husband) came along and turned on my light, with a gentle adjustment and positive encouragement.
Live in the light of positive energy!

Everything Bagel:

Your name says it all;
Savory, salty, crunchy bits of garlic;
Poppy seeds stuck in my teeth;
Spread speared everywhere;
I can’t get you into my mouth fast enough!

Monday Morning Thought:

Fresh perspectives allow for new adventures!

Back Down

My aching back is reminding me that it’s not wise to dance until 3AM—even if it’s your best friend’s wedding.

Welcome to 40s!

Missing You

The subtle weight and loving energy next to my thigh when I sleep at night; I feel your loss falling asleep—in my dreams I have you back—and then I wake to remember you’re gone. 

I miss you Ginger.

The Day After

Rather than replaying the heartbreaking goodbye, I redirect my attention to the wonderful adventures we shared: sneaking her into movies, concerts, hotels, backstage, wherever we went—Ginger was there.

Rarely a moment when she wasn’t resting happily in my arms. 

She was in our wedding; she’s in almost every on-camera production we created; she was the mascot for every family vacation; her life was vibrant and meaningful.

Ginger taught me patience and compassion. While I will miss her sassy little attitude and the adorable way she would run in her sleep; I’m grateful for the 15 years of unconditional love and joy she provided. I know that the long yawn she had into her deep sleep was a good sign—she’s at peace.

The Littlest Princess Yorkie Ginger:

Our little Ginger sits peacefully in my lap––licking, of course––but happy.
Her fragile body is in pain, still her ears are perky and her nub tail wags slowly and lowly from side to side.
Today is the day we say farewell.  We know it’s time, but my sadness persists.
For nearly 16 years she has been our little princess.
Our lives will feel so empty without her spunky energy.
We all come into this world with a limited number of days; inevitable we all pass on.  The brutal reality is unbearable on days like today.
Ginger we love you so much. Thank you for the unconditional love and sass.
We’ll listen for your prancing spirit everywhere.
Love you.

I Will Never Forget:

The smell of burning tragedy in the air;
The uncertainty in my mind;
The melancholy in my heart;
The strength of the heroic first responders;
The bond that strangers on the streets of New York.

Proud:

A year’s worth of writing, exposing the buried emotions from a lifetime of pretending and celebrating the courage of finally freeing me:
I share my stories with the world.
#DancingOutOfTheCloset

Remember Your Worth:

The voice in our head is loud;

Let the spirit of our soul be louder.

Release

All of the knowledge gained from endlessly reading self-help books, practicing yoga, meditating, and reminding myself to return to the present, are a formidable match for a stubborn mindset. 

Still, I fall short. Especially when interacting with my family. 

Our loved ones often challenge us; in those moments it’s imperative that I release—and remember that our established habits are rooted in love and not harm. We’re all doing the best we can.

Saying Goodbye. . .

A whirlwind of laughter, yelling, forts and farts;
My sister's birthday week comes to a calm end.
Saying goodbye at LAX;
My niece smiling from ear to ear––it gives me joy that despite the setbacks she smiles.
I love my family.
I did my best to stay present and savor the good times;
I hope they'll remember those, too.

Life's A Beach

Watching the contagious laughter of my niece, Kellyn every time a wave crashes down on her is an instant reminder of my beautiful sister when we were young.
A fabulously free beach day provides a dramatic (albeit positive) scene change from our day on the backlot of Universal.
I love my sister and my niece; they're an island unto themselves;
Sticker collections, an obsession with scents, and a gentle, kind, heart with a sensitive ego––I'm grateful for this trip.
Even the dark moments that caused heartache.

Birthday Blowout!

Through the violent flash of scorching red rage;
My sister turned 39.
The painful reminders of childhood traumas and onset of adult autoimmune disease led to a storm of uncontrollable outrage.
This was supposed to be a joyous memory––instead we've perpetuated a negative family trait.
With an unusually long embrace––her special way of admitting guild and apologizing––we "let go" of the shit storm that just swirled around the car.
A Universal experience. . .
Happy Birthday, Shiree.
Despite my disappointment, I love you unconditionally and I know you love me, too.

Family:

A house full of love, laughter, and food;
My mom, sister, niece, husband, and two dogs in a two bedroom condo.
Kellyn, who’s eight, decided to build a fort.
Lily, who’s also eight (and a dog) decided that the fort is her new home.
I adore being surrounded by family.
Revisiting my childhood through the eyes of my loved ones!

Paparazzi:

Sometimes my job involves choreographing an intricate evening length piece for a concert dance company;
Sometimes, I “re-imagine” lyrics for a movie musical in order to avoid copyright issues:
“I’m the greatest star, there’s no other one by far in all of Hollywood,
Papa, Paparazzi.”
I feel like I’ve had years of experience preparing for this job––throughout childhood I changed the lyrics to every pop song I heard, not for any legal reasons, but because my brain hears what it wants. . .

Monday Yoga:

My mat feels like a Hawaiian island;

A safe place to ground down and find shelter from the sea of life.

A Trip Home. . .

The intoxicating aroma of sea air and eucalyptus surround us as we walk towards the pier;
Shiree smiles and a familiar glance comes across her face; she remembers the history.
We enter the Lamppost Pizza and every soccer game, school activity, and Boy Scout party dances through my mind.
Then, we hear the sound of our neighborhood crew and we’re home!

Building A Fort:

Feather duvet fluffed and folded on the floor,
Couch cushions leaning against the couch;
We layered sheets, stacked throw pillows, and collected our favorite books.
And then we turned on the movie Matilda. . .

Family

Moments away from three generations of intelligent, beautiful, opinionated loved ones under one roof; again.
As long as we smile, we'll all thrive.

Doing Too Much.

I have to remember to give myself space;

My passion cannot become a problem.

I love feeling creative and active;

But my work is suffering.

It's time to take a step back and breath;

I might need to learn how to say, "no", too!

Observation:

I spend too much money on coffee.

Traffic.

I spend as much time sitting in traffic as I do on Instagram.
Making eye contact with the other drivers on the road is like scrolling through my feed; endless selfies…

A Happy Story In Three Words:

Extra Ranch dressing.

Anger:

Absolutely
Nothing
Gained;
Except
Rage.

Working on a Weekend:

“It’s not work when you love what you do.”
Nonsense.
There is nothing in the world I would rather do with my life than follow my passion as an artist.
But the amount of administrative tasks that have to be done in the pursuit of living my dream––is absolutely work.

Boys Do Ballet:

Lara Spencer, a national morning talk show host and mother of two, openly mocked the “future King of England” for practicing ballet.
And we wonder why––even in the 21st Century––children are still hiding in the closet; or worse, killing themselves for being perceived as “funny” or different.
Let’s examine ballet: an incredibly complicated, athletic endeavor which requires strength, discipline, artistry, intelligence, dedication, tenacity, and countless hours of work in order to express a unique, beautiful, physically demanding presentation of passion, culture, and vibrant storytelling.
Yes, I can see why it’s funny to condemn a young man for following this silly art form.

Lazy, Bed, Head:

I woke up at 9:45 am;
Pulling my groggy, but well rested body out of bed to make coffee.
Usually when I sleep the entire morning away, I’m pissed;
Today, I have forgiven myself.
The past month I have been pulled nonstop in twenty directions––and while I have plenty of projects that (still) need my attention––my body needed to shutdown.
Now, I’m out the door to get my day started.  . . .with a hat, because I don’t have time to shower!

Grateful:

Waking up with a mindful yoga practice––expanding my physical limits and deepening my breath––provides a clear, balanced path to start my day.
When I can follow it with a delicious coffee, journaling session, and gabfest with friends at Starbucks. . . I’m grateful.

One Word; My Day:

Dominated!

Monday:

Making my way through the world;
Open to new adventures;
Never say never;
Determined to find balance;
Always striving for more;
Yoga improves every situation!

Pool Party in the Hollywood Hills

Hot boys;
Floaty toys;
BBQ meat;
The end of summer is complete!

Saturday In LA:

I woke up alongside my husband and puppies;
Curled up and cute.
Morning journal and coffee before I get down on my yoga mat.
Running errands is fun, mainly because it feels good to be back in Los Angeles.
Following a delightful shower––I forgot how much I missed steady water pressure, you won't find that in New York––I dress and head out to visit with friends.
Tonight, date night; a movie perhaps or maybe just a fancy dinner. . . It doesn't really matter, because I'm home with my family!

Creative Collaboration:

I entered the creative studio with an open mind;
Always inspired by fine art, I was eager to swap stories and discover a new voice.
An artist’s studio is similar to a dance studio; energy swirling everywhere.
On the floor, a “sketch” of an olive branch that grows into a hangman’s noose; the artist experiments with materials in the same way that I would set a phrase of movement with a group of dancers:
Does the idea come across clearly?
In every direction an invention of the artist’s mind.
I begin to feel motivated to create.
Mission accomplished!

That Moment:

When you feel the tickle in the back of your throat and you remember that you heard someone sneeze next to you in yoga class yesterday. . .
So you pump your body with vitamin C and zinc hoping to avoid the dreadful summer cold.
I refuse to end my final days of pool paradise with a hazy, headache and stuffy sinus sadness.

A Journey South:

Beautiful bodies with blonde hair on every corner;
Flashy exotic cars race by;
Starbucks Coffee, Jewelry stores, and gun shops litter the streets.
Welcome to the OC!

Six Word Essay:

My body and mind crave stillness.

Monday Mayhem

I woke up to an overloaded inbox;
Returning emails, scheduling conference calls, maneuvering around chaos.
I constantly have to remind myself to breathe.
Life is a balancing act between what we want and what we have to do. . .

Travel Day; Back to LA

I’m headed home today;

I’m anxious to reconnect with my family and rediscover myself in LA.

I’m extraordinarily grateful for the creative opportunities that I have, but incredibly ready for a break from the road.

Mostly, I stayed present.

Boston 2019; Day 6

I lounged in the pool with my friends;

Evening at the theater;

Party on the bus.

Boston 2019; Day 5

Mosquito bites;

Hot tub;

Laughter!

Boston 2019; Day 4

Knees aching;

Neck sore;

Choreography completed;

Now, I can breathe.

Boston 2019; Day 3

Smooth jazz in the car on the way to the studio;

Commercial jazz in class;

Classic jazz technique!

Boston 2019; Day 2

Waking up early;

Auditions and choreography;

Summer camp with cocktails—is there anything better?

Boston 2019; Day 1

Lounging by a pool;

Overindulging life!

Travel Day; NYC to Boston

It took me longer to wash my clothes and repack than it will to fly from New York to Boston.

Ordinarily, I use my time in the air to choreograph and write, but today I’m going to catch a nap.

One more week of travel and then I’m going to sleep for a week;

Life on your: Glamorous and exhausting!

NYC 2019; Day 7

Last night in the city;

Rooftop party in Brooklyn;

Gen Xer’s, Millennial’s & what’s the name of the generation who doesn’t know Madonna in NYC?

NYC 2019; Day 6

I spent my day pounding the pavement yesterday; I was reminded of the hustle I had in my twenties. 

Dropping off resumes to casting offices at the beginning of my career; now in my forties, I’m aggressively walking the streets of New York dropping off copies of my second book to powerful media outlets!

The game doesn’t change…the stakes just get higher.

The evening wrapped like every brilliant evening in NYC should, at a Broadway show with my best friend Tracie. She and I started our careers together; I’m incredibly grateful she’s still by my side. We might not have the careers we imagined twenty years ago, but we have a thriving, creative path—and that means everything.

NYC 2019; Day 5

My body is aching from all of the walking.

No wonder I was thin and fabulous whilst I lived here! 

Thankfully, yoga has helped me ease back into the unforgiving sea of irritated people, weather-damaged sidewalks, and hideous humidity.

The fabulous food and vibrant nightlife help, too. 

Tonight: Moulin Rouge on Broadway!

NYC 2019; Day 4

Walking down 9th Avenue last night with my former roommate and (still) close friend, Cathy, and I hear, “Mattie!”
It was another close friend (and former roommate), Andrew!
Even after fifteen years, I love that I can be walking in Hells Kitchen and run into my crew.
The skyscrapers might be getting taller and the food more expensive, but at the heart of NYC there is still a vibrant sense of community amongst artists!

NYC 2019; Day 3

After a gorgeous evening with lifelong friends, I woke up today full of gratitude;

A twenty year bond offers trust, understanding, and insight.

I rolled out of bed and into a yoga class, where I discovered how sore my abs are from laughing too hard last night.

Today I have the honor of teaching class at Broadway Dance Center—I love working with dancers who are building their foundation.

Then, I get to hang out with my NYC roommate! …which will certainly include an additional abdominal workout!

NYC 2019; Day 2

The pulse of the city inspires my soul;

Yoga, Starbucks, and people watching as I attend to my daily writing.

It’s wild—I only lived in New York for five years, and that was fifteen years ago—still I smile from the stories from my past.

My adventure continues!

NYC 2019; Day 1:

Last night I walked around midtown and the Upper West Side;

It felt like I was floating in a dream or better yet, an alternate universe.

I lived in New York City for such a long time, but that was ages ago;

Memories of my first audition, my fantasy apartment (a gorgeous doorman building along Central Park West), and all of the feelings of desperately wanting to “make it”!

As I passed from street to street I could feel myself relax. I’m not sure if I’d still use the phrase “make it”, but I realized I had done something more rewarding:

Everyday I wake up and get to do what I love. When I was twebty-one and living in the city, I undoubtedly took that for granted. Now, I can appreciate the journey that I’ve had thus far; I accept the truths—I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be at forty-one; still, twenty years later I’m precisely where I’m meant to be!

Start Spreading The News!

I can’t believe I lived in New York City over fifteen years ago;

It feels like yesterday I was over paying (more than I earned) for a tiny studio apartment and a gym membership—the two necessities as a twenty-something aspiring actor.

Now, I return to the Big City to teach up-and-coming artists!

Undoubtedly, I will find time to see a few Broadway shows and devour a many delicious dinners with friends!

Time To Go Home:

Lights out;
The stars are up and so am I.
Another curtain closes;
A new adventure begins, today.

Life On Tour (Again) Day 4

Yesterday, I hiked to the top of massive boulder––and up half way up the piney fresh mountain that stands majestic behind our hotel––all before a work event;
I gazed out over the stunningly sweeping views of Lake Tahoe, took a deep breath and gave thanks for the gorgeous presence I felt, and then shot a dance video. . . I never stop working; sometimes the job is easy.

Life On Tour (Again) Day 3

I always forget how fast time goes when I’m on the road;
Too busy to think, I go from my hotel room to the theater and back day and night.
Thankfully, I find moments to sneak outside and enjoy the beautiful Tahoe air.
It helps that I’m working with a group of people who bring me joy.
Laughing through the long daze.

Life On Tour (Again) Day 2

There is a 24-Hour Starbucks two blocks away;
My most loyal comfort on the road!

Life on Tour (Again) Day 1

I fell asleep at 1AM;
Wake up call at 5AM;
Fourteen hours in a theater;
Who said this job was glamorous?

Traveling, Tahoe

survive on four hours of sleep each night.

I’ll spend the next three weeks choreographing, teaching, promoting my new book, Dancing Out of the Closet—now available on Amazon—and socializing with many cocktails and too little rest. This is the life I signed up for.

Living the dream; sometimes lonely, often hectic, mostly happy, always grateful.

Packing:

Life on the road means life in a bag. . .
Weather in different regions;
Fancy events;
Days near a pool;
Rehearsals in studios;
Plan accordingly!

Friday Feelings:

Eight hours of sleep, I’m well-rested and ready for a fabulous day off!
. . . .Before my three-week choreography, convention extravaganza.

Deep Breath:

I woke up feeling beaten down;
My body is desperate for a massage!
Aching for sleep and a stress-free day;
Working through the overwhelming list of projects to complete before the fall.
Remembering back to when a chaotic schedule felt like I was “making things happen”;
Now, I just long for a deep breath––in through the nose and out through the mouth: release and return to the present.

Which Is Worse?

Waiting for my expensive high-speed Internet to load, so that I can complete my work;
Or. . .
Being placed on hold for forty minutes with AT&T, only to get transferred to someone who can’t understand anything I’m saying?

When You Wake Up...

On your day off to find a dozen work emails that all have: URGENT in the Subject line. . .
You grab a cup of coffee, head out to your balcony with your husband, puppies, and a laptop and take care of business under the luscious California sky.
Everyone in LA knows that work never ends.
I’m dedicated to finding the joy in every task; present and grateful for the opportunities that continue to flow my way.
That’s the difference between twenty-year-old me; and forty-year-old me:
I’m FINALLY okay with whatever rolls my way!

Trash TV:

Of all my guilty pleasures, Reality TV is my crack cocaine.
The despicably gratuitous display of terrible behavior, irrationally inflated egos, and putrid personalities appeals to my stunted, middle school mindset.
Watching “real” people who are aware that a camera is following them, and still they go out of their way to provoke reactions from their “co-stars”, all for 15 minutes of fame. . .
It might not be great for humanity, but it’s a fun distraction from reality.

Brunch:

Overpriced––but deliciously prepared––eggs;
Laughter over lattes;
Sitting too long at a table, because we overpaid for everything.

Rest:

Lying on the floor;
Pretending to stretch, whilst watching trash TV,
Lazy and unapologetic!

6 years; 17. . . But Who's Counting?

I met the man of my dreams seventeen years ago.
I recognized instantly that I found a partner who was loving, kind, intelligent, hilarious, creative, and committed to evolving with someone as an equal.
I swooped in and locked it down.
Six years ago today, we made it official––Democracy prevails.
While we have our ups and downs—as all relationships do—we have a piece of paper that legal declares that we are committed to working through the triumphs and tribulations of life, together!

Late!

I’m unrelenting when it comes to accountability!
Whether class, dinner party, audition, meeting, doctors appointment, lunch date, or a performance you show up *on time!
*On time is at least fifteen minutes early.
So today, when I had the time wrong––I thought I was working at 9AM, but it was supposed to be 8AM––I was thankful that I was already on route, and only fifteen minutes late!
Even when I have an accident in scheduling––a human error––I have #Professionalism.

Mercury Is In Retrograde:

I don’t know what this means––and I usually laugh my ass off when friends declare this aloud––but there must be something to it:
My computer continues to freeze for no reason––unless you factor in that it’s a 6 year old MacBook Pro;
Our production meetings were all canceled at the last minute––unless you take into consideration that summer schedules are crazy;
And I don’t feel motivated to do anything––unless it involves a pool.

Goodbyes:

Leaving loved ones is never enjoyable;
But the memories we created will live on and fuel me until the next time!

Colorado Sunrise

The vibrant blue sky presents the perfect backdrop for the explosion of fuchsia and tangerine rays bursting through the feathery clouds;
The cobalt purple mountains covered in various shades of green––from kiwi to evergreen––sweep downward to a valley of golden brush;
A herd of deer––so still you’d think they were fake––stand confidently welcoming the new day;
The only thing that confirms this isn’t a painted landscape is the delicious smell of morning mountain air!

Home; On the Range

The family that aims together, stays together.
Is that how the saying goes?
Probably not, but I was never good with cheesy slogans.
What I loved about today’s adventure is that I spent the day with my dad, my sister, and my niece without a single argument.
Instead, we bonded over bullets.
I believe in sensible gun control;
I also believe in being well-versed in everything.
Never wanting to have to defend myself, but fully prepared if the day should come.
We did a lot of bonding today.  I guess that’s what happens when you’re holding a powerful weapon in your hand; pointed in the right direction with clarity and focus, you hit the same target.

Family Time:

Focusing on the quality of time together;
Often requires breathing through the outburst.
It’s easy to fall into patterns from the past, but we’re older now, we can work through things from a place of positive, peaceful, energy.
I’ve spent a massive chunk of my adult life learning how to let go;
Sometimes members of our family can challenge us in way that make us crazy;
Releasing the subconscious actions from those we love, allows room for acceptance, understanding, love, and laughter!

Airport

Always here;

It’s a massive part of my career;

Red-eyes are the worst;

Packing and unpacking;

Oversold flights;

Rebooked;

Traveling is more enjoyable when you’re going to Maui.

Independence

The power of a choice.
Freedom, I don’t take it for granted.

Do Nothing Day:

Aside from waking up and transferring my worn-out body from the bed to the sofa to binge Netflix all day; my schedule is clear.

Tired

Totally
Irrational;
Raging,
Exhausted,
Done!

Work It!

Sitting at the airport—it’s 7AM;
I was just here last night—my life is often spent on the road.
Traveling is part of the job; I knew this when I decided to be an artist.
I was sitting here waiting to board our flight to go work for the day, and it dawned on me:
I enjoy the working, because it’s work I love.
Passion doesn’t always amount to monetary success in the beginning; but eventually the opportunities born out of following your purpose pays out exponentially!

Late Night Cable News

I’m a guilty addict;
Another political cycle glued to CNN;
Falling asleep to the sound of Anderson Cooper––his nerdy, intelligent voice lulls me to sleep––which is good, because I have to teach in less than five hours.

Mesmerized by Insanity:

The orange blob repeating idiotic statements in the hopes of making them true;
Barely speaking English, whilst mocking those seeking safety;
Tragically uneducated and egotistically condescending;
I can’t stop watching in shock––people actually support this lunatic; I’m related to a few. . .

Watching Fox News:

Is like watching a soap opera in the 80s;
Lies, scandal, forced drama, and blonde “leading ladies” (AKA co-hosts) standing up for abusive, cheating, racist men.

Back on the Road:

My second home is the airport;
It might not be where the heart is, but it’s absolutely where the cash is!
The life of an artist on tour. . .

That's The Breaks. . .

When the light goes off on the dashboard of your fancy-pants luxury vehicle, you panic.
Then, you schedule an appointment at your trusted neighborhood mechanic and face the facts: you need new breaks––and because you decided to buy a car that is out of your league, you have to replace the rotors, too!
That’s the breaks!

Awakening

On our airplane ride to Maui my husband and I sat next to each other,
but felt a world apart.
On our return home, we sat rows apart, but never felt closer.
Our vacation in paradise was the perfect retreat into ourselves.
Relationships evolve in two ways: together or apart.
That journey depends on the willingness of the parties involved.
After seventeen years, I’m grateful that I found a partner that is willing to do the dirty work––even on vacation––to laugh through the stormy skies and cry in the sun.

Hawaii Day 7; 2019

In the serene stillness of the sunset;
we connected; again.
Finding our way back to light;
Just as the darkness set.
Our trip to Maui was the ‘reset’ we needed.

Hawaii Day 6; 2019

Sometimes you disagree in paradise;
The heat from the sun and Lava Flows can cause the body to feel exhausted;
Communication breaks down––and tempers flare.
Thankfully, there’s a tranquil ocean to dive in and cool off.
It’s really hard to be upset in Hawaii, but it happens, and that’s okay, too.
The key is to release the negativity and welcome the healing energy of the sea!

Hawaii Day 5; 2019

Fancy hotel cocktails are delicious;
You can feed a family of four at Olive Garden or enjoy an adult beverage on Maui.
Hypnotized by the rolling sea;
I drank, too many Lava Flows in Hawaii.
My bank account and midsection will punish me later. . .

Hawaii Day 4; 2019

Surrounded by the richest blues and greens floating in the water;
Above me, images from childhood, visions of my future, and gratitude to God for the clouds sailing past and off into the horizon.
Vibrant, fragrant flowers filled the air with the scent of paradise;
I’m in Heaven;
I know my time here is short, but for now, back to the present.

Hawaii Day 3; 2019

Last night we tried a restaurant, which came highly recommended from a yogi friend of ours; ironically, when we Googled “Best Happy Hour’s on Maui”, Monkeypod Kitchen was number 1.
So, we drove the (less than) one mile from our condo to the hotspot we’d never heard of and cozied up to the bar.
Firstly, all of the food is farm-to-table fresh, and EVERYTHING––with the exception of the flour imported from Italy and the olive oil imported from California––comes from the island of Maui and is prepared daily in their kitchen!
The food was melt-in-your-mouth and make-a-mess-in-your-pants, DELICIOUS!
The drinks were equally well-crafted, specific, and sensational.
Whilst we were enjoying our dinner, we made small talk with the straight couple sitting next to us. We briefly swapped raves over the dinner and took photos for each other.
When the couple got up to leave, they shook our hands and wished us a happy vacation.  We thought nothing more of it. . . .
Until we went to leave and asked for our bill.  Our server explained that the couple next to us and picked up our check!
That, is Hawaii.  The energy, love, generosity and spirit of life is everywhere.
We left full and feeling blessed!
Now, we’re off for another day of reading on the beach and soaking in the healing waters!
Aloha.

Hawaii Day 2; 2019

The morning started with a sunrise coffee talk; the birds decided to join in the conversation.
Meditation, journaling, and making out postcards to our loved ones; who doesn’t like receiving Aloha from Hawaii?
Walking to the beach, I found joy in the present.
Lying on the beach reading my historical novel; the sound of calm, rolling waves  lured me in;
Floating in the healing waters, I felt recharged.
Now, a blog post and a nap.
Tonight, who knows?  I’m sure I’ll go wherever the Lava Flows!

Hawaii Day 1; 2019

Waking up to the chipper songs from the birds in the trees;
Coffee with a side of journaling and Eckhart Tolle on the balcony;
Couples conversation––checking in for positive change;
A walk to the beach: sun, sand, a new novel, floating in the crystal blue sea;
The lavender farm for a photo shoot, tea and scones, and an abundance of essential oil;
Back to the condo for a quick trip to the pool––we had to watch the sun go down somewhere!
Now: Netflix and a Lava Flow;
Hawaii is my home-away-from-home!

Packed

My bag is stuffed with shorts, T-shirts, swimsuits, sunscreen, and books;
My vacation begins following a calm yoga class;
Headed to Hawaii with my bug:
One week; no work; no stress; just heavenly island bliss… .
Bring on the Lava Flows!

Brunch On Sunset

The socked in marine layer hovering just above the city skyline on a breezy Sunday morning provides the perfect backdrop for Norman, who is sitting on the terrace of the impeccably styled restaurant connected to the elegant ArtDeco Sunset Strip hotel.
It’s Father’s Day, so naturally our friend’s father offered to take all of us out for brunch.
Isn’t if funny? Dads never catch a break.
Their wallet is like the bank account that charges no interest and expects no return on payment.
Happily laughing, conversing, consulting, and encouraging; dads offer support and wisdom––unconditionally.
It was a joyous, delicious, brunch.

Getting Down on my Weekends:

. . . . Downward dog, that is.
As a child I spent my weekend mornings watching cartoons, whilst shoveling massive amounts of cereal loaded with granulated sugar.
As a teenager, I was held captive in a dance studio all weekend long––working on my technique, whilst hiding from my sexuality.
As an adult, I enjoy the peaceful meditation I find in my yoga practice, whilst working through the issues from my childhood and teenage years;
Evolution, ya know?

Overload:

Writing,
Emailing,
Posting,
Promoting,
Training,
Meditating,
Reminder to myself: I need to breath more,
Haircut,
Packing,
Re-reading my manuscript before it goes to press,
Taking care of my puppies,
Yoga,
Seriously, Matthew: Breath!
Submit proposal for next year’s classes,
Pre-production for Matilda,
Phone calls,
Post office,
Find a puppy-sitter,
I’m in full meltdown mode. . . .

Folding Laundry:

Depending on my mindset, folding laundry can either be a Zen meditation or a criminal interrogation.
As a teenager, laundry was one of the chores given to punish me––although my parents would probably disagree with that declaration.
In my twenties, I spent hours at a laundromat––and hated every sweaty, dirty, moment of it.
Now, I have my own house with a washer and dryer; I can do fluff-n-fold whenever I please; still, I’m tortured with stacks of smelly yoga clothes.
I guess I found the one downside of practicing yoga daily.
Namaste.

Lazy

Lying in bed; still.

Awake, but enjoying a guiltless, lazy day.

Zero guilt; I’m refueling my creative energy.

Yes, I feel blessed.

That Gorgeous Feeling:

Crossing off every item on your “To Do” list before noon;
It’s like saying, “Take that––day!  I conquered you! I know you’ll be back tomorrow with twice as many demands. Guess what, I don’t have to think about  that now, because I practice yoga!”

One Word:

Diversify!

Heavenly

Mountain air cuts crisp against my skin; pine infused exfoliation—nature’s facial.

The skies are a shade of blue that exists in paintings—or a technicolor soundstage—utterly awesome.

Surrounded by beauty; everyone walks with a smile on their face.

This is heavenly.

Pride:

Waking up without fear.

Trusting that who you are, is enough.

Knowing that normal, is not reality; we’re all unique.

Accepting yourself unconditionally.

Living life with purpose, integrity, compassion, and love.

Awareness:

Mindfully acknowledging what is;

Sharing positive energy with the people who occupy the space around you.

Conscious of the unconscious!

Radiant Light

Energized by the rays pouring through my bedroom window, I rolled out of bed.

Lily—our Shih Tzu—was waiting at the front door; time for a walk to Starbucks.

Even dogs understand the power of radiant light.

Some Days. . . .

You just walk away from everything;
Casually strolling down a path––ending unknown.
Releasing expectations;
Embracing what is.

Life Hack:

When you wake up sad; head to YouTube and Google search: “People falling.”
You’re welcome.

Fear

It’s that time of year, when I allow other people’s insecurities into my head and enable doubt to take over.

My new book, Dancing Out of the Closet is coming out soon, which always invites questions; (a good thing), but encourages me to overthink my game plan.

I did my job: I wrote a book from the heart and poured every ounce of honesty, humor, and healing thoughts; it found a publisher; it’s evening printed and distributed; there is nothing to fear… .regardless of the outcome, I shared my truth and sold my work. That is the path of an artist.

Out of Darkness:

Light; to clear the path.
Freedom; from fear.
Presence; to make the right choice.

Rage:

The toxic energy fills your body;
Causing you to live in a state of perpetual negativity.
Sad, angry, disappointed, powerless, betrayed, helpless;
All understandable, yet unchanging.
The only power or control we have is to let it go and move on; trusting that this moment is meant to teach us something that we will be prepared for in the future.
I’m made as hell, but that won’t change the circumstance––and yes, I’m furious that someone is getting away with something so egregious––but that’s life.
On to the next!

Current Mood in One Word:

Satisfied.

Teeth Cleaning

Peeling off the layer of coffee from the past six months;
A healthy smile is the key to a healthy heart!
Seriously, your oral health care plays a major role in your cardiovascular health!
Say hello to a dentist and enjoy a bright life.
Also, I drink too much coffee!

My Office:

Sitting in the cozy club chair in my study;
The window is open to the gorgeous spring air.
My hands are typing against the keyboard of my MacBook Pro to the happy tune the birds are chirping outside.
Work is so much more enjoyable when you create a peaceful, inspiring environment.

Six Word Essay on Leaf-blowers:

I loath environmentally unfriendly alarm clocks!

Trust The Path:

I’ve been declaring––for years––that I trust my path;
Acknowledging that I have had a brilliant journey; and continue to enjoy the adventures and opportunities that come from faith.
Writing it down in a daily journal and repeating it aloud––often––is only half of the work.
During my morning meditation, I realized how thankful I really am;
How truly fortunate I’ve been.
Not only am I living a version of the dream I’ve had since childhood; but I’m able to understand that, through faith, tenacity, and trust I will continue to find my path.
I’m also ready to honestly step back and surrender to this next chapter in my life.  Turning forty gave me the space to understand that I don't have to push for everything.  I have the permission to release control.
That is authentic trust.

Happy To Be Home:

My puppies snuggled next to me in bed;
My hubby happily side-by-side;
Waking up to coffee and cartoons;
A quick walk to Starbucks before yoga:
Downward dog followed by red light therapy (I’m giving myself 6 months to rejuvenate!);
Studio School BBQ hosted by my friend;
Jump in the pool before binge-watching Netflix:
It’s great to be home!

Back to LA

My time in New England has come to an end;
I need to get back to the land of organic fresh pressed superficiality:
AKA
A diet!
I’ve indulged in fried foods, delicious proteins covered in butter, and more alcohol than my liver can handle.
Now, I need to hit a yoga mat and drink a kale smoothie!

iPhoto–oh–no!

My type-A personality––married with my obsession on being able to pull up a visual aid in the form of a photo from my past––has lead me to create a chronological photo album, which I keep updated (daily) on my iPhone.
Last night, I went to bed syncing my iPhone to my iPhoto account;
This morning, I woke up to a crashed iTunes account and an empty iPhoto library.
PHOTOgetaboutit!
All of my precious memories vanished before my eyes.
If the photos are erased, did the picture really happen?
Yes, and thankfully––after a hard restore to both my iPhone and MacBook Pro––I regained my photo diary.
Which had me questioning my obsession:
Do I really need these photos to remember the brilliant achievements I’ve had in my life?
Honestly, would I ever forget a magnificent moment?
Are these photos a security blanket for my ego?
Yes; probably, and absolutely!
Thank God they’re back.
Time to update these to the Cloud!

An Adventure. . .

Into Boston:
Bar crawl;
Museums;
The Freedom Trail;
Shopping;
and food––a lot of food!
Living in the moment.

Six Word Essay on Sleep:

My rejuvenated body awakens with gratitude.

Quite House:

Sitting in the gorgeous silence;
Stillness awakens my soul;
Creative ideas stir and the volume intensifies.
From the peaceful meditative mindset, I find purpose; and my passion restored.

Monday; Sun_Day!

I have the entire day off;
I’m out of town, which means I don’t feel obligated to “do” anything!
The sun is out and the cooler is full of adult beverages. . .
My Monday just became an extended SUNday!

Tribute:

Talking on stage has never been a challenge for me;
Tonight, I have the privilege of speaking at an event that honors one of the leaders in the dance industry.
Nancy Chippendale’s passion, professionalism, creativity, and personality has impacted the lives of countless dancers, choreographers, and educators.
To open a dance studio that produces artists who will work in the industry, is a challenge; to maintain that legacy for 40 years––is an extraordinary accomplishment.

Morning Light

I woke up to blue skies, birds chirping, and a ray of light shining through the blackout curtains.
With absolutely nothing to do on my Saturday morning, I cozied up in the comfortable guest bed and read from, Chelsea Handler’s new book, “Life Will Be the Death of Me” and laughed my ass off.
It’s rare that I get a “do nothing day” where I actually do NOTHING.
Now, it’s time to hop in the shower and prepare for an evening of dancing, laughing, and indulging in celebratory drinks!
Happy 40th Anniversary Nancy Chippendale!

LAX

Cars backed up with raging drivers;

Passengers running to the terminal;

Airplanes liter the runway;

Where’s everyone going?!

Rain:

I’m bracing for a chilly summer in LA;
I don’t love the idea—after all, I live in Southern California for the sunny, tan, facade—but the mild, grey doom that lurks ahead, gives me something to breathe through.
Besides, Los Angeles is even more beautiful after a thorough washing!

Wednesday; Word:

Rejuvenated;
After a beautiful day off filled with yoga, a massage, and laughter—I’m ready to conquer the day!

Take A Break:

When you have twenty things on your list and forty more thoughts on you mind … .
Step back;
Breathe;
Grab a Starbucks coffee;
Unplug;
Read a book;
And give yourself some “free” time;
When we allow ourselves the space to refuel, our mind runs wiser!

Non-Reactive

The ability to breathe through every circumstance without judging it good or bad;

It is happening now: the present—a gift—so see it for what it is.

When we approach each moment from a positive perspective, we see the truth: every second is a gift and every experience is an opportunity to breath.

TSA PreCheck

Saved me again;

Never ending lines,

I flew right by.

Until:

I forgot to drink my water!

Back around the circle I go…

What a rat race.

Gratitude

Finding the joy in every aspect of life;

Breath is not a guarantee, it’s a blessing.

When the circumstances is less than pleasant, remember it could always be worse;

And in the darkest hour, it can only get brighter.

On The Road; Again

If you told ten-year-old me: “Your dreams will come true; but you’ll have to travel every weekend as part of the job”

No doubt, I would have responded with an enthusiastic thumbs up. After all, traveling is so glamorous.

Forty-one year old me is so grateful that my dreams came true; despite loathing getting on an airplane and living out of a bag.

It’s a small price to pay for following my passion.

Lying In Bed; Working

I might be comfortably resting on my lush pillow-top, king-sized mattress with Pottery Barn Egyptian cotton sheets;
But my mind is working overtime.
The creative process sparks ideas at the most inappropriate time;
But when a great idea is born––you grab your laptop and take notes.
The balance between overachieving and trusting that I can take a break, continue to create a constant power play with my mind.
Tonight, my compulsion to work overpowered my excitement to sleep.

Be Light:

In the darkness, evil thrives;
In light, we shine.

My Birthday Buddy

When I met the man of my dreams I knew we’d spend the rest of our lives side by side:

Laughing,

Loving,

Creating,

Producing,

Evolving,

Sharing adventures,

And… Birthdays, too?!

It was too good to be true!

My buggie’s birthday is only 3 days after mine; which means the party continues all week long!

Anyone who knows and loves a Taurus understands how fabulous this is!

Happy Birthday to my scene partner in life and art; Jeffrey, I love you so much.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

When my mom and stepdad come to town, we always spend a day in the Southbay.

Breakfast at Joes;

A stroll through the Redondo Beach pier;

And—time permitting—a visit with old friends.

Whilst I was standing on the bike path that cuts along the coastline, a flood of childhood memories came rushing back.

Not too long ago, my sister and I built sandcastles, surfed the waves, and spent too much time in the sun!

Yesterday, the cool sea breeze swept past my body and the whirlwind of emotions left a smile on my face.

Gramps Was Right!

My grandpa used to say, “I went to bed young, and I woke up old.”

I would roll my eyes and laugh; only half understanding what he was saying.

With each passing year, I realize his wisdom on a deeper level. I only wish he was still here on earth so that I could thank him properly.

I practice yoga; meditate; read; listen to podcasts; and seek inspiration from every circumstance—in the hope that I may defy the simple truth:

There’s no stopping time!

Be present. Enjoy every moment (even the “bad” ones). And be grateful for every breath.