Goodbye 2017; I’m Positive It’s Time For You To Go.

I sit here typing this blog in the early morning hours of the final day in 2017; thank God––I’m not one to be so negative––therein lies the problem.
In blatant disrespect of my yoga-Zen-Faith–seek-the-light-stay-positive-and-persevere general disposition, I spent most of 2017 confronting the Dark Force inside me, similar to the NEW Natalie Portman in the latest installment of the “Star Wars” franchise.
Then, I spent last evening in a yoga sound bath––yes, you heard me––*yoga sound bath, when it dawned on me that I’ve spent the past six months morning the death of my thirties.

I never thought I was that “guy” who cared about “age”, and (mostly) I’m not.   Then it occurred to me that I went through a similar transition when I turned 29, which makes sense. Until we’re several decades in, I suppose we don’t really contemplate how quickly they seem to go.
When I turned 39––six months into a year that started with Trump––a small part of me checked out.  I let myself give into negative thoughts and lost touch with my inner passion, spirit, and drive.  
My thirties were magical, but my twenties were brilliant, too, which is why I have no doubt that my forties will be spectacular.
As the final vibration of bubbly sound poured over my wider-than-usual shavasana, I concluded that my subconscious mourning period should end with 2017.  I have the power to replace every negative thought with a positive action; it has worked my entire life and subsequently attracted exceptional people and wild adventures.



*You’re dying to know what a yoga sound bath is, aren’t you? It’s a **yin-yoga meditation and stretch class with live music dripping all around you.

**You’re going to have to Google this one.

Prepare To Let Go...

The year wraps up like a shot in a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon’s office;
Quick, painless, and expensive. (All of those post Christmas clearance sales?!)
I sit in peaceful meditation; contemplating the possibilities.
Endless adventure awaits those who can let go of last year's baggage and embrace a new set of luggage.

Set It, And Forget It.

Not the 90’s infomercial selling a slow cooker; goals and resolutions.
Find the courage to trust that your intentions will manifest as they are supposed to as you navigate through your day.

Happy Trails Tommy; You Will Be Missed

I entered Joseph Arnold Elementary School two months into my 3rd grade year.  My parents had just relocated our family to Southern California from a small town in Colorado.
I walked onto the campus wearing the perfect Colorado outfit; tan corduroy pants, a western button-down, and Kangaroos.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I stood out from all the blond surfers wearing Gottcha T-shirts, board shorts, and Vans; I looked like a ballerina in a hip-hop class: awkward!
Thankfully, one brave boy, Tom Swayer (YES, that was his real name), walked over and asked me if I wanted to sit next to him––thrilled that I had an instant friend, I said yes!
We transitioned from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts; countless family vacations; soccer games; backpacking trips; he taught me how to body-board during the summer vacation between 4th and 5th grade; school dances, our first girlfriends, late night pranks, wild adventures, and countless conversations about sex, God, and everything in-between.
Yesterday, Tom passed away in a terrible motorbike accident; I am in total shock.
Our lives drifted apart after high school, but thanks to the (sometimes) positive benefits of Facebook, I was able to rekindle our friendship online.
I’m devastated that I missed an opportunity to see him a few short months ago, while I was visiting a few of my friends from my old neighborhood in the South Bay.
We always think we have more time; another lesson remembered: today is all we have––and today––I am mourning the loss of my old pal.
R.I.P. Tommy.

Warmth

A simple practice repeated with breath and a mantra, warms my core—body, soul, mind—from the inside out; the heated room is the catalyst for powerful presence.

One Truth; Light

In a world abundant with unknowns and untruths, God is the only thing I’ve known to be certain; unfailing.
Full of love I’m happy; I feel at peace; my mind’s dialogue is calm; no nagging obsessive ambitions––still, continually work toward my dreams with purpose––and entirely fulfilled with my life.
I am present and that is everything.

Merry Christmas

When I was a kid we’d all be on speaker phone talking to cousins, aunts, uncles, and the grandparents... Now we all huddle around the iPhone for FaceTime!  It’s a Christmas Miracle.
#GameChanger

Christmas Eve Tradition

I was recently asked what my favorite Christmas tradition was.
My answer caught me off guard, but it was true, “Not having to adhere to a tradition!”
I went on to clarify that throughout my life––and starting at a very early age––I’ve been blessed with so many adventures with family and friends during this time of year.
Whether we were meeting family in Las Vegas (a mutual agreed upon meeting point between my extended family in Colorado and our immediate family in Cali), or working on stage at Radio City Music Hall, I’ve been certain to find the gift of being in that moment.  In many ways, it was the beginning of my quest to find the Present.
As I scan the brilliant memories of Christmas past, the common theme (tradition if you will) is that I’ve been surrounded by love, joy, Faith, and laughter.

The Nutcracker

Rats dancing around a gorgeous palace all decorated for Christmas;
A Sugarplum Fairy flirting with a Prince;
Ethnically insensitive stereotypes parading around the stage in competition;
Beautiful bodies stretching and reaching, twirling and jumping around the stage;
Sounds like every party I’ve been too in NYC.

You Know You’re Living The Dream When…

You can lounge by a pool with a book and a cool breeze, under a gorgeous cloud-free blue sky 3 days before Christmas!

Six Word Essay On The Week Before Christmas

Belly stuffed and all shopped out!

Double Down—ward Dog!

Another dinner party means only one thing:
Doubling up on my yoga routine;
If I’m going to throw down more food, I’ve got to double downward dog!

Feed The Ducks

Lily the Shih Tzu stares with her head titled, confused by the sound of quack... that’s not a dog?!
Ginger the Yorkie sits waiting for a crumb––they’re for the ducks Ginger... she doesn’t get it.
We walk along the Los Angeles River; just a bunch of animals feeding the birds.

Moderation

The holidays are full of festive gatherings, too much food, laughter, and booze;
Today––whilst attempting to get downward dog in yoga––I had a flash of clarity.
Why am I fighting so hard to get into this posture? My body feels broken and my belly is full––why not “drop down” and give myself a break.  (A sentiment that is often repeated throughout a yoga class.)
Yoga, just as in life, is a lesson in letting go and finding balance:
I have to know when to push; when to pull; and when to lie in shavasana.
I struck a healthy balance in class and discovered that moderation suits me.

Say Cheese.

Holiday Parties full of laughter and cheer; and food––a lot of food.
My downfall: cheese. I can’t resist the creamy, buttery, salty, lactose-I’m-SERIOUSLY-intolerably snack;
And the proof is every picture. Every party thus far I can be seen posing with a mouthful of cheese!

Finger Sandwiches

Delicious bite-sized triangles cut from the finest bread;
Spread with a delicate layer of homemade chicken salad and Kosher egg salad.
The crust removed with care;
Stacked on silver tray and accompanied by an exquisitely brewed cup of tea.
A respectable holiday treat!

December 15th

Fifteen years ago today I started dating the man of my dreams, who would inevitably become my husband and creative partner;
Seven years ago today my gorgeous niece was born, changing my world for the better;
Eighty-One years ago today my grandma was born; providing an instant fan for life and constant source of love and laughter––also the perfect shopping companion.
Today was a beautiful celebration of the many blessings I have in my life.

Vent Before Zen

I’m sitting here in rage, writing this blog instead of getting downward dog on my yoga mat, because I’m unable to let go of a troubling email I’ve just read.

Add to that my obsession for getting things done, and you get this shitty blog post.

Often, my most inspired work is born out of frustration and a nonstop mindset; this entry is an exception to that rule.

I’m literally venting in a public forum in order to release and go find Zen on my mat!

Namaste.

Alabama

Christmas came early for America;
The good, morally and ethically conscious people of Alabama made their voices heard where it counts in this country: the voting booths.
Thank you Alabama!

Traffic To Yoga

Meditation starts in the car;

The mat is just an extension of the road ahead.

Chaos and crazy drivers all around;

My mind is challenged to find Zen.

Exit Booze; Enter Bread

I’ve consumed an adult beverage almost every night since Thanksgiving;

It’s time to take a break from the booze.

Enter bread. (It’s the only comfort I have left.)

Six Word Essay on Christmas Dinner Parties

Decadence; only moments away from diabetes.

Dinner Party

Another holiday season is here;
Friends will gather for delicious food and––thanks to the booze––good cheer;
Days of prepping and cleaning and decorating;
All for one evening where inevitably Allison will drink too much wine, Alice will complain about the music, Mark (Alice’s husband) will offend one of the gay couples, Jeff (my husband) will keep the conversation pleasant, and I will spend most of my time filling up wine glasses whilst simultaneously searching for my Jack & Coke––which I no doubt set down in order to shove more food in my mouth.

Letting Go

My neck is twisted and my back is tight;
Isn’t it obvious I slept on the couch last night?

The silence is loud;
Yesterday, he walked on eggshells and attempted to engage several times;
I am too proud.

It’s not healthy to hold a grudge––and it’s completely out of character for me––but I’m having a hard time letting go.

I know what I should do;
But I don’t want to.

The Aftermath

My raging temper is subsiding exposing the true depth of my sadness;

Emotionally exposed; I sit facing the cause of the storm.

I’m at a loss for words; possibly the first time ever.

I’ll wait for a meaningful shift in the winds before I speak.

The Storm

Violent words fighting for attention;

Through the whipping flames I feel the harsh judgments burn my soul like ambers from the fires that rage outside.

The earth is mad; so am I.

Enough Is Enough

The ego in me challenges everything.

Wanting more—a human condition I’m sure—fuels fires; it also destroys people. 

Idealistic and passionate I sought to follow my dreams and refused to compromise my goals. I set the bar high and tenaciously jumped each hurdle.

Finally, I arrived at an invisible finish line of understanding: you will never be finished.

Now, how do I cope with the ravenous desire to acquire more; achieve more; create more?

The answer is often as stunningly clear as a flawless diamond (as precious, too); Be Present. 

Then, as dark as a deep sea expedition without a working light—I am lost again.

Deep breaths in and out return me to the Now and I remember: when I foucus on what I love; trust in my Faith; release my fear; and create—I will continue to receive opportunities to work and inspire. Just as it has for the past 40 years of my life (24 of them as a professional), the path will guide me.

LA Dream

LA at 5am is a dream:

No traffic;

No assholes;

Just open roads and the silhouette of Palm trees swaying in the soft misty air.

Brunch

Bacon and alcohol are permitted in excess;

Laughter is encouraged, too!

Friends indulging.

Blessed

I sit in my comfy club chair watching my husband cuddle our Shih Tzu, Lily.
The fireplace is ablaze, our tree is lit, and Christmas music plays softly in the background, furnishing a cozy and romantic holiday atmosphere.
I have absolutely no desire to leave this moment and thankfully I don’t have to.
I am blessed.

The OC

We drove for two hours from LA to the OC, ordinarily this would be a fifty-five minute jaunt.
My appointment took less than twenty minutes––now what?
An impromptu adventure!
Window shopping at South Coast Plaza mall; dinner at The Capitol Grill; and a movie––Murder On The Orient––it was a perfect unplanned (but totally present) day.

5 Minute Writing Exercise; The Word Was: Resonate

The hate was intolerable; it snuck into the darkest bowels of my soul––softer than when my younger sister would tiptoe in after missing her curfew.
I travel for a living so I felt the energy building long before my friends in Cali.  I knew the darkness would penetrate the light and take away everything that nearly a decade of change brought forth for my people. All people, fuck––for humanity.
The world buckled down with booze in both hands bracing for the nightmare that we’d have to live with––eyes wide open––for the next four years.
A sexual predator, a liar, a monster; our president; let that resonate.

Filed and Focused; Christmas Miracle

What was formerly beautiful trees in some shinny modernized section of the world, sat in a heap atop our desk;
Four months of bills, invoices, and important notes manifested into a mound of paperwork that was desperate for a file cabinet.
Today, I conquered Mt. Admin;
It took me three hours to sort and file the mess;
The vibrant laminate sparkles like the day we pulled it from the Ikea box,
And we are free to focus all of our energy on creative projects and parties in the month of December!
...now that’s a Christmas miracle.

Oh Pees.

After yoga, hydration is key;
My bladder is always full.
I pee every fifteen minutes;
“It’s only a problem if it’s a problem for you...”
Is the official response from my doctor.
It’s only a problem for me when I can’t find a restroom.
Still, I’ll suffer through he pain and my supply, moist skin appreciates it!

Fireplace

Beautiful dancing flame;
From your violet purple base to the wisps of your burnt orange tips, I’m mesmerized by your twirling silhouette.
Warming my heart with childhood memories;
Warming my feet as I cuddle up with my puppies.

No Sun; No Problem.

After a vigorous morning sculpt class and Sunday meditation, my husband and I arrived at our friends house in Bel-Air––I’m name dropping only because, come on? Bel-Air?! I grew up with the Fresh Prince so just hanging with people who actually live in the indulgent and desirable zip code is like a childhood dream.
We drove down to Marina del Rey ready for a fabulous day at sea.
Overcast and chilly, we stepped aboard the yacht, and immediately started drinking the private reserve wine that was bold and buttery.
Layers of navy, white, and grey with a pop of coral––the perfect accent––for a socked in cruise on the Pacific.
Surrounded by people I love whilst eating mounds of rich cheese and laughing from too much vino; the crisp Cali air and misty salt water swept through our hair.
Just as we hit Malibu, the sun made a cameo––the silver lining was a delightful surprise.
As we made our way back into the harbor, a pod of dolphins danced around the boat and the day was complete.
When you’re sailing with loved ones, it’s impossible not to shine; sun or not, we’re on a yacht!

The Day After...

When you wake up from a five (okay ten) day food-fest and your stomach is roaring, “ENOUGH!”
It’s time to take a step back from the holiday temptations and reintroduce myself to vegetables.
The final warning shot was fired yesterday, whilst during a Black Friday shopping mishap, I popped a button off of a pair of Ted Baker slacks in “my size.”
Needless to say I left the mall without making a single purchase;
So hey, the upside to my weight gain, is that I’m saving my bank account from a weight loss!

Black Friday

The day I step on the scale to see how much I’ve gained in one week;
It’s that time of year, when my waist grows two inches.
Bring on the holidays!

Traditional Thanks

I woke up this morning next to my best friend.
We walked to Starbucks for matching Gingerbread latte’s; a tradition that we’ve had since we meet 15 years ago performing in the Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music Hall.
We returned to cuddle with our puppies on the couch whilst watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
I used to watch the parade with my grandma as a child;
the Broadway performances, marching bands, floats, and of course––New York City.
The parade inspired me to follow my dreams.
Now, as I look back on that tradition––one which sparked my own journey as a performer––I’m overcome with joy and gratitude.
What better way to spend Thanksgiving Day morning––with nostalgic memories from my past––and of course, creating new traditions in my present!

Palm Springs

Bright red lobster skin; do these people know about sunscreen?
Eating dinner at 5pm; in bed by 8!
I love lounging by the pool with a book...and an endless supply of Lava Flows.
I eat too much––because I’m on vacation––so parading in a swimsuit isn’t high on my list; but hey, that’s life.  It’s 120 degrees out here, and I’m letting it all hang out!

Age(d) Cheese

The indulgent, salty, delicious Mexican food I ate last night is screaming at me this morning.
The rich dairy and brilliantly seasoned beef have married in my belly and are sending up violent acid reminders to my burning heart: you are too old to eat like this!

The Things We Do…

I’m up at the crack of dawn;

strike that—the sun’s not even out yet.

I’m mentally preparing to take yoga befor my body is even awake.

Only because I love my husband!

That’s 40...

Kids zipping past me high on candy, donuts, and soda;

Adults swapping conversation whilst shoving a bagel down their mouths simultaneously glancing back and forth at their child—who is high on sugar—and then, “Excuse me…”

Delicious cocktails.

Welcome to a 40th Birthday Brunch in LA.

The Morning Practice

The calm quite energy is welcoming;

I enter the Zen like space with hope, eager to start a fresh new day with peaceful meditation.

Balance and breath vibrate through my body and remind me I’m alive!

Two Puppies

Cuddling on a couch like little dust bunnies;
There’s no distinction where their fur ends and the faux fur throws begin.
I want to snuggle them up all day long.

Master The Moment

I woke up this morning with adrenaline and zest;
Ready to conquer a marathon of meetings, projects, and emails.
Cutting through the haze of 2017;
Mostly I stayed present, but there were times...
None of that matters now, I’m back in action and ready to master the moment!

Morning...

Lying in bed watching the sunrise.
Cozy with my puppies;
Quite and peaceful, I appreciate the beauty of a new day.

Six Word Essay on Rules

Everyone craves boundaries to break free.

Back To La La Land

Fall is beautiful back east;

Golden leaves beneath my feet.

Still, nothing compares to the golden glow and blue skies of Los Angeles.

An evening swim in December is worth sacrificing two seasons.

Fall Gratitude

Burnt orange and red leaves cover the ground leaving a vibrant belt of rust along the path outside;
The smell of smoke permeates the crisp air;
Wrapped in layers of clothing, a beanie, and scarf, we make our way toward the studio;
Once inside, the warmth of dancers in motion fills my soul with gratitude;
I am living my dream.

After A Red Eye...

It’s best not to plan a day of work;

No amount of eye drops will alleviate the burning fire-engine-red dryness;

Caffeine helps jump start the sleepless day, but does nothing for your breath!

Six Word Essay On My Current Mood:

Relentless positive energy despite unidentified doubt.

Lame

Dear American Airlines,
Charging $300 for an airline ticket without a seat assignment, so that you can charge an additional $89 for a middle seat “upgrade” on each of the four legs of my flight is lame.
Sincerely,
A Future Southwest Passanger.

Feel The Burn

Acidy flames force themselves up my chest;
Punishment for the rich, zesty, pasta I enjoyed at the dinner party last night.
I’m sure the Jack & Coke’s didn’t help my situation...

Breathe Through It.

The jackhammer in my head is a product of yoga before caffeine;
Lying on a mat I felt the pain.
Downward dog, the blood flows to my brain, still the pounding continues.
I scan my body and realize I’m tense all over;
Isn’t that the point of yoga?
I wasn’t concentrating enough on my breath.
In through the nose and out through the nose;
I breathe through it.

The Task At Hand

Sometimes you have to push beyond the comfort zone to finish the task;
Motivated and wide-awake I seek to create.
When the language flows naturally, I concentrate on the unforced words and share my story.

Time Changed

The time changed;
I fall for it every year;
I already miss the sun.

Observation:

My Yorkshire Terrier sits and waits for a treat like I stand in line waiting for my morning Starbucks; trying to be patient but...seriously give me the damn coffee already!

Nabucco

Verdi; a master of gorgeous ceremonial chords, pushing religious and political boundaries––and like most artists who’ve endured generations––a visionary ahead of his time.
Plácido Domingo; a passionate performer, with rich texture and strong physical presence––not just a famous tenor, but a true actor.
LA Opera; a breath of fresh air, full of zest and willing to challenge audiences with programs that are both important and beautifully mounted.

Coffee

Dark and rich with a hint of coconut milk and a dash of sugar;
When people ask me how I accomplish so much in one day, I could say that I’m great with balancing my time; I set manageable goals; I wake up early and stay up late; I practice yoga and focus on one task at a time; instead I offer up a simple truth: caffeine!

Hotel Slumber Party

Staying at a hotel is so much more enjoyable when I’m not traveling for work.
Lounging in the room with family and our puppies;
Watching trashy TV and ordering room service;
Sleeping in;
Leaving the beds unmade;
I love it!

Happy Halloween

Children dressed up like little witches, monsters, or their favorite athletes and superheroes;
Young adults dressed up as sexy / hot [Fill In The Blank];
Grown adults dressed up like former presidents or prominent former-leaders-turned-laughing stocks;
Then there are those who phone it in, with a tux and a martini glass a la James Bond––they might as well just buy the T-Shirt that reads, “This is my Halloween Costume.”

Now, Or Never

The time to be present is now. 

Nothing that has happened in the past, or might happen in the future, can replace what is happening now.

The ability to recognize this simple truth has made all the difference on my journey. 

Is That Me, I See?

Staring at my face in the mirror;
The subtle stubble shadows my laugh lines;
When did I evolve into my father?

Enter Zen Through Daily Observations.

Walking through our Zen garden I saw life;
Once neglected and desolate;
Tropical blooms tower over randomly placed stones.
Water and TLC restored Peace.

Wake Up Smiling...

When you wake up in a fabulous mood, even the leaf blowers sound like instruments in a Disney movie.
The chirping sound of birds is the perfect background melody to start my morning rituals;
Even the (usually) annoying toddler––stomping back and forth above––does so with the precision of a bandleader;
Today, is a beautiful day.

Note To Self:

I just spent two hours doing something that should have taken ten minutes;
I need a vacation.

Exhausted

Three alarms,
Two leaf blowers,
A dumptruck and a traffic helicopter;
And I still couldn’t wake up!
My body is exhausted and another hour in bed made all the difference.

Audition

The saying goes, “When it rains it pours.”
Yes, and thank the Universe––and God––too, because 2017 has been a desert wasteland.
The moment I regained my creative conscious, I took action!
It’s one of the challenges of the entertainment industry; you can never know when the next job is coming––but you always have to keep the faith that it will come!

On Set

Walking onto a monstrous soundstage I’m instantly transported back to my childhood fantasies.

The overwhelming, yet familiar space encourages me to stand taller.

The skeleton of the set reminds me of my grandma’s doll house. 

The air is cool and the Hollywood haze fills the scene—they call it atmosphere—it’s a dream.

I pinch myself under a gigantic movie light: stay present. These are the moments that I will undoubtedly look back on when I feel like I’m never going to work again.

Crew, talent, craft service, and a lot of smoke and mirrors; it’s a collaborative process and I’m grateful for the job.

A Fall Sunday

Waking up late;
Coffee and cartoons cuddled on the couch with my puppies;
The sound of football high-fives echo through the neighborhood;
Garage sales;
Brunch;
Window shopping on Ventura Boulevard.
Yoga and church––both bringing me back to the present.
A midday nap by the pool;
I love a fall Sunday!

A Quick Trip To Target

Toilette paper,
Coffee,
Dog treats;
You know...the basics.
I don’t know what’s worse:
That I just used my blog post to make my Target list,
Or, that I can’t remember three items.

It’s An Art

Not giving a fuck.

Grandma taught me to be respectful, to treat people as I hoped to be treated. I agree with that on paper.

My dad taught me to stand up for what’s right; sometimes that means fighting fire with fire. I agree with that in practice.

I’ve found the perfect balance; assessing the circumstances and responding with the precise amount of compassion, power, and truth. 

The key ingredient: not giving a fuck what people think—not everyone’s moral compass works; stay true to you!

Validation

One aspect of my morning ritual involves writing in my journal.
My journaling––born out of a need to hold myself accountable in high school––has developed into a habit over the last twenty years of my life.
At first, the journaling was a way to talk through things with myself before “putting them out there” to the universe.
An angry rant directed toward a friend, whom I really liked but felt betrayed by; my journal was a safe space to share.
Likewise, I was free to set goals, confess sins, and think. I did a lot of thinking, overanalyzing, reading, and of course, making lists.
In time, this freedom ushered a daily routine which has served me well.
Inspiring me to dream bigger, share bigger, and trust.
Looking back on any number of journal entries unlocks a memory from my past. No doubt a useful tool for a writer, I have called on these often dramatic transcripts to relive the agonizing pain or brilliant joy.
This morning I was working through my feelings and cataloging the hints of doubt about the past year.
“Did I do this or that enough...”
“Could I have pushed more here?”
“Have I been present?”
It only took me a few seconds to get back to the present. Simultaneously answering myself and feeling like maybe I have grown this year.
So far, this hasn’t been a year of huge outward strides; yet inside, I feel like I’ve grown more as a person and artist.  I’ve held myself accountable for being present and releasing the need to overachieve.
I’ve found more balance and somehow managed to create more rewarding job opportunities, too.
I finished my journal entry and headed to yoga class feeling reinvigorated and reminded that by remaining present I have an opportunity to prioritize goals, jobs, and my life, so that I can focus on positive action without fear.
After a blissful yoga class, I walked out of the yoga studio to a voice message from production; I booked a job choreographing a TV show next week.
I’m not saying that positive energy will always get you the job; but I’ve noticed that I seem to attract the emotion I put out into the world.  Today, I worked my way thought a negative thought pattern. The moment I was realigned with my perspective, I received validation.

Why I Yoga...

Feeling completely annoyed.
Accepting circumstances that are out of my hands is one of the hardest challenges to my peace of mind.
The ability to let go, release control, and move on;
It’s why I yoga.
I need to hit the mat!

Health Kick

I eat too much;
Therefore I’m fat.
I do yoga;
On a mat.
All the stretching, meditation, and sweat isn’t enough;
My inner peace is currently surrounded by a thick protective layer.
It’s time for a detox: mind, body, soul.

(Another) Technical Rage

Waiting for Safari to load on my 3 year old laptop is like that time in high school, when I first popped in a AOL Online CD into my best friend Leah’s computer.
We sat for 15 minutes enduring the crashing, screeching noise of information and (the end of privacy as we knew it) transmitting into the vast unknown.
My point, why––in the 21st Century––do I still have to wait to get online?
And why is a 3-year-old computer as obsolete as a VCR?

Lazy

Lying in my bed looking at social media;
I’m not sure who is snoring louder––my dogs or my husband.
The crisp air snaps my arm back under the covers;
I should get up and start my day.
Then I remember it’s Sunday.
For a moment I contemplate falling back into my slumber;
But the allure of walking to Starbucks on this perfect fall morning is stronger;
I roll out of bed, throw on a hat, and bully myself into starting the day.

Leave Me Alone.

A bad dream haunted me last night;
Still cranky and unwilling to let go;
I need space!
Leave me alone.

Snooze

Who needs an alarm when you have leaf blowers?
The most annoying sound at 7AM;
I lie in bed, extending my hand in search of the snooze button.

Uncomplicated

Overwhelmed with an empty schedule;
Why do I crave ink all over a calendar?
If I’m not overachieving, am I really succeeding?
Like a dancer falling out of a pirouette, I crave balance.
A deep breath and back to the mat;
Meditation for the mind, body, and soul.
Uncomplicated; life is how we react to it.

Take A Break

Staring at a blank screen;
Absent of words;
I took a break.

Everything Bagel

Crisp outer layer;
Doughy, delicious, center;
Covered in crunchy, salty, burnt morals...
You really are everything to me!

A Moment of Clarity

Waking up without the looming dread; what’s next?
Confident in my path, and present enough to understand that both past and future are never NOW.
Accepting balance and appreciating the magic in the unknown;
My journey continues to reveal itself in bountiful ways beyond my childhood imagination.
Victories and setbacks––which have shaped my life––continue to motivate me and remind me to trust the circumstance that I’m confronted with today; with calm confidence.

Grey

The carpet in my hotel room;
The sky outside my hotel window;
The color of the eggs at the hotel continental breakfast.
Vibrant yellow:
The feeling I have inside remembering that this is my last weekend of travel for a month!

Six Word Essay on Travel

Coffee and a headset; that’s all!

Present; Energy

When the distance of a goal or dream feels impossibly far;
I’m reminded of the power that can be harnessed from the present.
Every tremendous victory that I’ve accomplished in my life––both personally and professionally––happened when I least expected it.
The moment I released expectation and accepted what is.

Timeline

Seeking joy in the details of today.
Tomorrow offers false expectations and hopes;
Yesterday provides unfair comparisons;
The present offers all there is––good or bad––and the opportunity to triumph.

Meetings

The promise of something big;
Whilst drinking expensive coffee and laughing at each other’s jokes.
Every opportunity starts the same way:
Twenty minutes talking about the weather, kids, and current events;
And then––a five minute pitch.
Check please.
You hope you made an impact.

I Need Meditation

My mind is too tired for words.
Struggling to silence the noise;
Ready for my yoga mat.

Sad and Senseless.

In one sweeping action––from the safety of a hotel room 32 stories above––a solo gunman robbed innocent men, women, and children of their lives.
No doubt an act of homegrown terror; whether over race, religion, or perhaps he was just a very sick person.
Regardless, his access to a deadly weapon––one that so easily showered hundreds of unknowing and guiltless humans with death and injury––should have been prevented.
We have to unite as Americans and stand up for better gun control.
And while we’re at it, we need to do more to help the millions of people who suffer from mental illness.

The Creative Vibrations

What often feels like a holding pattern is––on a deeper level––an opportunity to evolve;
Walking a tightrope between overachieving and slacking off;
Giving myself the space to breathe and trust.
My need to push and fight––validated at some point during my childhood––has inspired me to reach for the impossible, and achieve my goals.
The million dollar question, “Would I have ended up in the same place had I not fought with all of my force?”
That’s what I’m exploring, NOW.  Finding the present in 2017;
It’s been exhausting.
It requires Faith.
Breath.
Balance.
Mediation.
And letting go;
I have to allow time for the things that I’ve worked so long and hard for, to find their creative vibration and lead me to my next endeavor.
I’m not treading water, I’m sailing with the current towards my dreams.

Track Wheel

The bright colorful rainbow track wheel spins my mind with rage;
There isn’t a breath deep enough to endure a technological breakdown.
I don’t care what “doctors say”, and Apple a day just leads to frustration.

The Path to Presence

When the day doesn’t start off the way you planned, let go of the plan and follow the path in front of you—that’s how being present works. 

These Little Things.

Adding everything up in your mind;
Lost in the deepest cave of thought;
Seeking answers that will only be discovered when the time is necessary.
Demanding resolution––but acknowledging that the end is just the beginning.
These little things feel so much bigger now; but they won’t in time.

Remembering Why I Create...

Taking a moment to appreciate the past four months;
The chaos which lead to overwhelming and stressful situations;
Stifled creativity and quick to agitation;
Feeling uninspired and questioning my path.
Then––a deep breath and a flicker of presence.
A charge of motivation; I took action.
The work wasn’t brilliant––but necessary.
Throughout the darkness, I continued to search for light.
Radiating beyond the thick haze of frustration and fear––I found my voice, again.
I was fortunate to spend last week setting a new piece of choreography on the dancers at Slippery Rock University.
Their exuberant idealism and energy recharged my soul giving me the opportunity to release my thoughts and emotions on a canvas of talented artists.
The brought my journey, my choreography, to life.

I’m A Proud American; and I Kneel in Support.

I’m disappointed that I would be labeled “unpatriotic” because I believe in standing up for every American––and their right to exercise the First Amendment.
Meanwhile, many of the people who support a president who dodged serving in the military and continues to do business with countries who would love to see our freedom destroyed, will preach that people should just “do their job.”
What if someone was going to take away your Second Amendment right, would you still demand that people remain silent?

My Truth Today…

Once you give yourself permission to release perfection, everything is possible.

I’ve discovered the answers to most of my challenges are resolved when I look for the solution, rather than focusing on the problem.

Coffee, Carbs, and Choreography.

With enough caffeine and carbohydrates, I can choreograph a full length piece of work; its a good thing, too, because I have five hours to complete my next project!

The Dream

I get to tell stories; my childhood dream has manifested into a career.

Dance runs in my veins.

I used to choreograph in grocery stores; now I set work on professional companies.

I’m living proof that passion, dedication, and determination will always lead to opportunities.

Pilates Chair

Definitely a torture device;
My body feels stronger just looking at the evil machine.
My ass burns with every step up––no doubt punishment for the extra Ranch dressing I ordered last night.
I may not like the extreme excessive, but I know it’s enhancing my posture and personality (when I look good, I’m sassy!)

Pittsburgh

Always under construction when I visit;
The perfect metaphor for my life.
True happiness is working in a city where your best friend lives;
Falling asleep mid-sentence, on a couch in their studio (their house is under construction), after a 10 hour day of traveling.
I’m up and ready to start choreographing!

Body Challenged

I just competed 21 yoga classes in 19 days;
I’m a sucker for a competition.
One can never spend too much time working on their mental, physical, or emotional health; but perhaps posting a leader board––with everyones class attendance––was a good thing, might want to revisit the whole, “Zen” thing.
Still, if a competition exists, you better believe I’m up for the challenge.
Too bad my body isn’t!
I need a day of hot water and bath salts.
My body is wrecked.

Emmys

Movie stars winning television trophies;
Trump wanted an Emmy®, Alec Baldwin wins playing Trump;
Childhood dreams fulfilled;
I’m not in the room yet, but I’m a member of the club.

Addicted

The aroma of coffee floats through my house;
I can almost see the cartoon-like waves of steam and rich caffeinated goodness.
The enticing bean is the only reason I’m able to coax myself out of bed; and away from my cuddling puppies.
I’m an addict.

Six Word Essay on Yoga Sculpt

Pushing past exertion; I mindfully evolve.

Let It Go.

When you wake up in a shitty mood and you want to yell at the world; don’t.
Simply channel your tools: breathe, smile, and binge eat a breakfast burrito from your favorite morning restaurant...

Wait; Lobby

I sit in a chair waiting;

The anxiety of a doctors office never dissipates.

So basically all of the self discovery books that I’ve studied, meditated over, and applied to my life are wasted on a moment like this.

It’s a simple procedure—I keep telling myself this—yet I can’t shake the fear of the unknown.

I return to the breath; it’s shallow—like my ego—I’ve got more work to do.

It’s remarkable what we learn about ourselves in a hospital waiting room.

Liquid

Like some Hollywood actress prepping for her appearance on the red carpet before the OSCARS;
I’m forced to drink my food today.
Juices, broths, and supplement drinks; delicious!
Maybe sarcasm will help me through my “cleanse.”
And by cleanse, I mean preparation for a medical procedure.
Welcome to adulthood.

Validation

Sitting in a room full of creative, talented, peers;
I shared my work with total fearlessness.
The response was overwhelmingly positive.
In one instant, my years of training, struggle, tenacity was validated in the most honest and important way; a confirmation of what I’ve always believed in my heart––and why I’ve never given up.
I was reminded that I am an artist and I create because I’m meant to.
And even if only for another day, week, month, year––it was the encouragement I needed to keep on going.

Stronger Together

We were a country divided until this day sixteen years ago;
Four airplanes––carrying unsuspecting passengers of every race, faith, political and socioeconomic background––penetrated landmarks in our country.
We came together to help those who lost, love those who were afraid, and support the heroes who served.
The pain, confusion, fear, and anger of that devastating day, when American soil faced the stain of global terrorism, has not escaped our memory;
But our hearts and minds have been hardened again as a country.
Now is not a time to allow powerful people to manipulate our present, because of our past;  we must stand together––again––with compassion, love, Faith, acceptance, and equality.
We are stronger together; UNITY.
#WeRemember

Sunday

I went to church: soul.
I went to yoga: mind, body, soul.
I went to Starbucks: LIFE!

Wake Up!

The deeply implanted linen line marking my cheek is a quick giveaway;
I slept in this morning.
I skipped my daily rituals and I’m rushing to yoga;
Where I’ll probably go back to sleep on my mat.

Healing Waters...

My unconscious self tried so hard to be sad and depressed yesterday;
“If I feel tortured and angry, then I won’t feel guilty about living so far away from my family.”
I woke up next to my pool with the sun on my face;
The gentle breeze reminded me that the present moment doesn’t require judgement.  I smiled and focused on the beautiful week I spent with my sister and niece, and then jumped into the pool.

Saying Goodbye; Focus on the Positive!

The hour has arrived, my sister and niece have to return to their “real” lives.
Twenty years ago––when I ventured out on my own to pursue my dreams––I had the startling realization that I was embarking on a path that would keep me away from my family, more that it would allow me time with them.
That choice has been something I’ve struggled with immeasurable times; holidays, family gatherings, graduations, the loss of loved ones––the sacrifice is real.
Thankfully, just under ten years ago, I found a new approach to my time away.  It was just after my grandpa passed; before he died he explained how proud he was of me, he offered me this, “Don’t be sad, Matt––this is a part of life.  You’re doing wonderful things, go and live your life.”
On his deathbed, grandpa gave me the permission to continue to follow my dreams, and the tools to find joy in every moment.
Yoga helped me with the next monumental discovery:
The present moment is all we have.
So, I’ve spent the past 10 years (trying––and more often than not succeeding) finding the positive in every circumstance.
My sister and niece’s visit was a brilliant week of laughter, love, creativity, and bonding.
The beach (twice!), Disneyland, getting my niece’s ears pierced, trips to the mall, the Farmer’s Market, visiting with childhood friends, eating at delicious restaurants, and Griffith Park Observatory were just a few of the adventures we shared.
But my favorite moments were swimming in our swimming pool––watching Jeff teach Kellyn how to swim; or sitting with my niece in the living room and helping her with her homework––she’s so bright; or cuddling on the couch and hearing my niece’s beautiful joyous laughter––I appreciate animated movies in a new way, now; watching my sister swim in the ocean––she looked so peaceful and free, it reminded me of watching her as a child, I love her so much; and my favorite moment: watching my sister as a mommy––patience, love, encouragement, humor, wisdom, confidence... my niece is in perfect hands.
It’s hard to believe that two years ago my sister was stuck in a hospital bed re-learning how to talk, eat, and walk.
I feel so blessed for this visit, and while saying goodbye is so brutal, I’m happy that I got to say hello.  I will hold onto the positive memories while I’m dropping them off at the airport today, and for the rest of my life!

The Day After

My body aches all over;
My belly is full of junk;
My wallet is empty;
My camera is full;
My niece and sister are happy;
My inner child is crying because it’s over;
My inner adult is laughing because we had a blast but I need a full day to recover:
#Disneyland!

Disneyland

No matter what age, I challenge a person not to have fun at Disneyland.
Okay, I’m sure it can be done...but why on earth would you allow yourself to be in a bad mood at the Happiest Place on Earth?
My sister turns 37 years old today, and I’m so grateful that I get to spend the day with her, my niece, and my husband.
My sister has endured and conquered so many obstacles in her life; from cancer to a coma and everything in between, and she’s alive and well.
Even at 5 a.m. I’m smiling from ear to ear, because we’re about to embark on a day of laughter, junk food, rides...and of course, a lot of princess pictures with my 6 year old niece!  *Hopefully some of the Disney princesses will pose with her, too.

Da, Da, Da, Da, Da... I'm NOT Loving It.

Last night, after a fabulous birthday party in Hancock Park, we stopped at a McDonald's for my niece;
Even after a massive spread including: popcorn, chips, dips, pizzas, salads, cookies, caramels, chocolates, cupcakes, candy, and a second round of pizza... my 6 year old niece was still hungry.
Apparently so was I!
I ordered the Number 2 (two cheeseburgers, large fries, and a coke) AND I added a four piece chicken McNuggets––because ya know, why not?
It's the exact meal I ate in high school. Everyday.
And I wondered why I had a weight issue.

Six Word Essay On Swimming with my Niece:

A fearless fish with fast feet.

Meditate On This:

“Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn’t disappeared. It’s still there on the other side of the clouds.”  ––Eckhart Tolle

I love waking up in the mornings and reading self-discovery books.  I’ve read so many personal growth books that I should be a Zen Master; yet here I sit, questioning my path.
I close my eyes and deepen my breath.  That feeling in my stomach isn’t gas––okay it might be, because my family is in town and we’ve been eating a lot of rich meals––still I understand that the knot in my stomach is from conflict.
This morning, while reading the “Power of Now” I came across that simple reminder above.  I smiled and let go of all the noise in my mind.
My sister and niece are in town for a short time; all the drama and lists, and goals, and work, and worry can wait; I’m going to meditate and enjoy my day!

Life's A Beach

I spent the day at the beach in Malibu yesterday.
Sandcastles, swimming, seashell collecting, and too much sun with my niece, sister, and husband.
Watching my 6 year old niece discover sand crabs for the first time reminded me of my sister and me growing up––we would collect the sea creatures and keep them in a plastic aquarium that my dad bought us from a pet store.
Looking back I can see how inhuman it was to bring those little crabs back to our house––we thought that the ocean water and seaweed we gathered in the tank would sustain their lives––of course, we were wrong.
Fortunately, my sister and I learned our lesson and taught Kelly (my niece) that it’s better to observe the lives of all animals in their natural habitat.
She watched the crabs burrow back into the sand and picked up her bucket and started building a sandcastle.
That’s the beauty of childhood, you can let go of something and move onto the next activity without much thought or emotion; just let go.
It was so wonderful to watch my sister and niece enjoy the ocean together; the healing energy of the waves and the invigorating rays from the sun lead to a family bonding moment.

Journaling

My deepest thoughts, plans, intimate emotions, and obstacles shared in a book that (hopefully) no one will read.
It’s the total escape from reason; pure free flowing energy, which helps me stay focused and present.
Not just for teenaged drama queens (although I was that, too), journaling is my therapy.

Pierced

My sister, Shiree, and my niece, Kellyn arrived in LA yesterday marking a week long celebration of my sister’s birthday.
In honor of the visit, Shiree decided to surprise Kellyn with a trip to the mall; Claire’s to be exact.
Anyone who has a daughter or grew up gay in the 90′s knows that Claire’s is the place for ear piercing.
When Kellyn found out why she was there, she jumped with joy and then her face washed with fear.  “Is it going to hurt?” She asked concerned.
I promised it wouldn’t hurt worse than a shot... that seemed to satisfy her trepidation.
Once she picked out her earrings, she sat in the chair, the Claire’s “piercing experts” cleaned her ears and made a dot with a marker to ensure perfect placement.
While my sister held the iPhone to capture the momentous event, I held my nieces hand and Uncle Jeff kept Kellyn distracted with positive dialogue.
The Claire’s “piercing experts” conversed privately, deciding to pierce on count 2 (not three), and then they counted down.
1, 2, punch!
Kellyn didn’t even realize they’d pierced her ears.
I said, “It’s all done.”
She smiled and said, “It’s over?”
When we returned home, we couldn’t find Kellyn.  I quietly snuck up on her gazing at her reflection––and newly pierced sparkling ears––in the guest bedroom mirror.
Mission accomplished!

All In The Family

My sister and niece arrive today;
Disneyland, pool parties, and coloring books galore!
Growing up my sister was my best friend (minus a few troubled high school years), and I’m so grateful that we continue to cultivate our relationship.
She’s the strongest person I know; fighting through cancer, a coma, and questionable haircuts...
I’m excited for a week of laughter, eating too much, and movie-night slumber parties in our living room.

Happiness Hangover

It’s nice to wake up with a smile on my face.
Last night I was in a room surrounded by my peers;
Talented, creative, loving, loud, obnoxious (in a magnificent way), and supportive.
Who says dancers are bitchy?
Oh, right... me in my 20′s.
Thankfully, people grow up.
I’m honored to be a working artists.

That's A Wrap!

My summer tour has come to an end. 

All of the complaining about airports, sleepless nights in uncomfortable hotel beds, and borderline diabetic food options (without a trace of leafy greens) will come to an end.

What will I complained about now?

Good question;

Most likely I'll moan about my dwindling bank account, because as much as I loath 14 hour days on the road—my pockets really appreciate the jingle.

For now, I'll find bliss on my butt, binge-watching Netflix while detoxing on lettuce, apples, and water with lemon.

After a week of irresponsible bum-like behavior I'm confident that my Type-A personality will demand that I motivate and make things happen.

That's the trouble when you're an overachiever; it's impossible to stop pushing.

So I'll find my Zen in yoga, and start the whole process again.

The Evolution of Me

Constantly pushing beyond the breaking point; I aspire to do better.
Born from a desire to achieve greatness––before I understood what that really meant––I bullied myself to be perfect.
Eventually learning (and accepting) that magic is harnessed through imperfection; I refocused my approach.
Perspective is everything.
My journey has enabled me to evolve as a person and artist; grounded, confident, and fearlessly manifesting my dreams.
Still coaxing myself to reinvent my life––not out of fear––but of desire, to depart from this world as the best version of “me” I can be.

Coffee Stop

Waiting in line for coffee at the Burbank airport;

Hipsters, business people, parents, and flight crew—all twitching like the addicts we are.

The java flow fuels my soul;

And yes, maybe I have a problem, but so do they! (And that gives me comfort.)

Keep Going...

In the deepest region of my soul, burning questions motivate my journey;
I continue to extract answers through my creative work.
In what I haven’t yet achieved, I find the response I’m looking for:
Keep going.

Pool Side

Lounging with friends by a pool;
We laughed, while enjoying sparkling rosé and grapes.
Just like the ancient Roman’s––minus the corruption, brutality, and servants fanning us with giant leaves.

Finding My Swagger

I was preparing for an audition yesterday;
I started to get in my head about my technique and performance, and then I remembered to trust my training and just have fun.
When I let go of the idea of what I thought I needed to be for the part, I found who I am in the part; finding my swagger in the freedom of a character.
It’s the entire reason I started acting in the first place, but as I grew older––and experienced more circumstances––I lost track of my fearless approach.
Whether I book the role or not is less important to me, than the self-discovery I remembered yesterday.
I’m craving more opportunities to create as a performer; time to start shooting content again!

A New Day

The anticipation of a new day;
Everything is possible.
In the early morning hours I spend my time in mediation––clearing my head (and heart) of the past––preparing for the present.
Mindfully, I work to release the energy of things that no longer serve me;
Faithfully, I breathe in the sliver of light that cracks on the horizon.
A fresh start.
A chance to reawaken my dream.

Balance

Lounging by the pool;

Not reading my work.

Slacking off feels like a giant FUCK YOU to my controlling nature.

#Balance

Tiny Airport

Similar to a tiny house;

Only instead of life sized cars parked in the drive way out front, we board miniature airplanes.

#LifeOnTour

Trust

Standing at the edge looking up.
When I jumped;
I flew.
It was a simple act of faith that allowed me to reach new heights.

Finish Line

The finish line is within my sights;
My adrenaline spikes giving me the extra push I need.
Creativity and excitement surround my body carrying toward the goal.
With every race I grow stronger; mentally, emotionally, physically––and most important (to me)––creatively.
The journey; climbing hills, pacing myself around corners, releasing the obstacles––it’s all been worth it.
It’s not about finishing, it’s about evolving.
But the end looks very appetizing.

Six Word Essay on Sleeping In

My body needed the extra love.

Thunderstorms

Dark angry clouds move towards our car like a semi truck that has lost control on a highway;
The rain punishes the earth as we glide across the road.
Then, without warning, the sky opens to a bright-blue-Hemsworth;
The sunshine radiates the green fields; all is well.
Reminding me again, that no storm lasts forever.

Blessed

I’m lying in bed in Iowa;
I woke up to birds chirping and remembered that––although I’m not at home––I get to spend my week doing something I love.
I’m dancing and choreographing alongside one of my closest and oldest friends;
We’ve grown together as artists and people and we still find new opportunities to push ourselves and our relationship.
So while I’m suffering from exhaustion––thanks to six weeks on the road––I’m so grateful that the end of my summer touring schedule ends with a solid creative endeavor... and a lot of laughs!

Airport

Lines everywhere;

Hurried passengers zipping around on carts;

Impatient parents and cranky kids;

Bitter flight attendants;

Uncomfortable chairs and a lack of electrical outlets, add to the stress of travel.

Life On Tour; Pool Day

After a week of choreographing and dancing (full out and over the age of 30), I’m taking a pool day.
Fun in the sun, the floating lounge chair is my new dance partner.

Coffee Is My Warmup

As a young dancer my body was always ready to jump, pirouette, and jazz walk across the floor;

Now that I'm old, I need to do a few stretches, just to get out of bed!

I find that the most effective warmup—for me—is black coffee.

I'm joking of course, but not really.

Note To Self: Trust

When I seek light, I can see.
It’s that simple.

Still Got It

In this moment, my dream is still very much alive;
I’m motivated to create and crush!

The Intolerance

Salty and creamy;
My heart melts like the cheddar I’m not supposed to eat;
It’s too delicious to pass up;
Too bad for me, I’ll be sick all night.
Totally worth it.

Life On Tour; Choreography

The story unfolds spontaneously when I turn the music up;
The bass kicks in and leads my soul, while the lyrics simultaneously instruct my body to turn, leap, and transition across the floor.
In the studio, everything makes sense.

It's Happening

Life happens; the good, the not-so-good, and everything in between.

When I let go of the fear and trust;

I received a delightful surprise.

The Moment I Let Go Of It...

Was the moment I got more than I could ever imagine.
Yesterday was a life changing moment for me and my family;
We spend so much time obsessing about “how” and “when”, we forget to trust in the present.
Over the past six months I’ve been slowly releasing my hold on one specific life-long dream, and the second I moved beyond the fear, the dream manifested in a direction I never saw coming.
God, The Universe, the present––always provides.
I’ve noticed that once I accept what is, I find a trail to what can be;
I’m ready for the next chapter in my life; literally and figuratively.
Let’s do this!

Bonus

Yesterday the barista at Starbucks accidentally made two of my speciality drinks: a grande caramel macchiato with soy milk in a venti with extra ice, and because there was no one else in the store that desired decadent-soybased-drink, (and rather than throwing it out) she gave it to me.
Naturally, I took it home and popped it into the refrigerator, where it sat waiting for me to consume it until today!
How lucky to have a Starbucks crafted drink ready to greet my day at home.

Don't Dream It's Over...

I woke up this morning still believing I was in the dream;
I’m sad I had to wake up, I was accepting an Emmy for my stellar work as a choreographer.
It was hard to accept that it was just a dream, but I’m happy to know that my dream is still alive––even if it’s while I’m sleeping––and more importantly, that I continue to follow my passion.

Lazy Dog

My yorkie Ginger is a lazy dog;
She spends her day walking from the couch, to my lap, to her bed, to our bed, and back to my lap––taking very few steps in between.
The only time she’ll get excited is when the word “cookie” is mentioned;
She jumps four feet off the ground, gobbles the delightful dog treat, and jumps back into my lap––snoring within two minutes.
Why can’t I have that life?

Tree Trimming...

I always think an overgrown tree looks beautiful and full of life;
Until the green leafy branches are trimmed back––revealing an even more gorgeous view of the Hollywood Hills––then I am reminded that everything looks better when we cut back...

Stand Up.

My grandma used to tell me, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

I've used her words throughout my life and career; a benchmark in the way I conduct myself professionally.

I stand up for myself—even when it's unpopular and inconvenient—because I refuse to enable a person in a powerful position to take advantage of another person just because they think they can.

No job or relationship is worth being treated without the same respect that you would treat your grandmother with; period.

Bum

I don’t know if you can catch up on sleep;
But I gave my best effort today.
I just woke up from an 12 hour coma.
Feeling rested and ready to go take a nap on the couch with my puppies.
It’s a lazy Sunday––I might feel guilty––if I hadn't just spent the past three weeks waking up at 6 a.m. and working until 11 p.m.
Finding balance on the road is challenging, now that I’m home for a few days, I’m going to celebrate my inner bum.

TSA

Totally 

Shitty

Arrangement.

Crisp

The scent of pine fills the mountain air;
An invigorating stillness lingers, challenging me to find my zen.
Grounded by the crunchy earth, I’m high on altitude.
The morning is crisp.

Back To The Present

Past the self-doubt, fear, and anxiety;

I found peace (again) in the light.

The present is here, ready to welcome me and free my soul from the commotion of yesterday and the uncertainty of tomorrow.

Today I am awake;

Grateful for the adventure and ready for unexpected opportunities.

Starbucks

I wait for Starbucks like children wait for Santa at Christmas; the gift is a daylong caffeine fix.

Ego

When I acknowledge the negative energy within me, I bring awareness to my circumstances,

which allows me to remember that the ego is desperate for reaction.

I refuse to be ruled by ego;

I prefer to crush egos instead.

Egg White Bite

Little savory pillow of magic;

Packed with protein, ready to jumpstart my day.

Sin-free snacking never tasted so good. 

Thank you Starbucks; consistent corporate coffee has saved the day, again!

Choreographing At Starbucks

I sit in my chair devouring a Venti iced coffee while planning out my jazz combination;

I'm living my childhood dream...

Drinking Starbucks whenever I want and creating stories with music and movement!

Finding My Zen; Again.

As the Uber coasted around the mountain bend, I could feel the calming energy of the lake penetrating my skin;

Further into Lake Tahoe, the endless chatter in my mind subsided and I felt my inner peace return; it has been missing for a few weeks.

Like anyone, I face momentary setbacks. 

I spend so much time hustling, creating, pushing for my artistic ambitions to meet their destiny;

Often, I forget that I have no control over the journey.

Only how I react to my circumstances is within my grasp; and without Faith, light, hope—I lose my step.

Now, emerging back into the present, I feel the weight lift, the sky above Heavenly Village is just that, a gift from God.

I am here.

My past cannot be changed and tomorrow will bring the demands of tomorrow.

Today, I found my Zen; again.

BUSted

The glamorous life on tour would never be complete without a 16 passenger limo-bus pulling up at 3:15 a.m. to greet 18 cranky show-people and a gaggle of wide-load suitcases.

The bus expands to sustain our girth;

Our baggage is heavy.

Coffee Or Cover?

The rain poured down as I sat discouraged in my hotel bed;
I fell asleep last night with the joyful anticipation of a sunrise walk to the Starbucks Coffee shop, which is located four blocks from the hotel.
I’m not sure my need for caffeine supersedes my desire to stay dry.
It’s the day of the show and if I don’t get my Venti Soy Latte, I might cry.

Let It Go...

Darkness sets in quickly and without warning;
I have the tools, faith, and ability to find my way to light;
The power is in the choice:
Release the past and find your way into the light,
Or, live with negativity, and fall deeper into the depression.
Deep breath; let it go.

Six Word Essay, Life on Tour

Sleeping in, is not a thing.

Do It!

The gnawing feeling that I should be doing more;
The creative process is often a delicate balancing act of pushing past our limitations and accepting the present for what it has to offer.
Like my grandpa used to say, “if you want to do it, do it––if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.”
There is no stopping the power of creativity; it is a force that––once in motion––cannot be stalled.

Finding Me...

A subtle shift in my outlook has me feeling hopeful and revived today.
I smiled a simple, unforced smile at myself in the mirror while I was shaving and I remembered how positive and full of light I can be.
It’s a choice to be present and positive;
Darkness, doubt, fear, and anger are all readily accessible; seeking a target who is willing to spend more living in the past––I refuse to give in without a vicious fight––and find my way to the present.
I have no concern for how many times I will re-learn this lesson (as often as it takes to find balance and a brighter outlook), it’s my mission to live in the present with unconditional love, fearlessness, and Faith.

While Sitting At The Airport...

I can:

Deposit my paycheck,

Choreograph my next piece,

Edit a short film,

Eat a healthy meal,

Consume two Starbucks beverage (at different locations,

Change my wardrobe,

Return business calls,

Respond to an overloaded email inbox,

And finish my morning meditation while working a short yoga phrase—which I record and post—for social media!

Truth On Tour; Packing

A suitcase jammed past capacity;
Plaids, prints, and cheerfully bright selection of pants––some worn and some clean––coexist in an overcrowded world of darkness.

The Struggle Is Real...

The path of enlightenment often has setbacks;
Today, I’m challenge with a lack of sleep and a line too long at Starbucks;
I wil have to face The Force of an entire crew dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character––on a cup of weak hotel coffee.
#ThemeDay

Room For Health...

Push-ups on my hotel room floor are no substitute for my down-ward dog;
But it does the trick when you cannot get to a room that has been adequately heated and saturated with the perfect blend of humidity and hot bodies (literally and figuratively).

The Glamorous Life...

The filtered light and steam billowing from the gap below the bathroom door nudged me up twenty minutes before the soft rippling waves of my alarm were set to wake me;
Still in a Netflix haze––binge watching Glow––had me body slamming pillows all night long.
My roommate finishes getting ready in the bathroom, while I check my Instagram account, trying to commit to getting up.
If I want to avoid another ten minute Starbucks line, I’ve got to get my ass in the shower...
Sleeping in is not an option on tour.

My Addiction

Has me hanging out in a line with men in business suits;

Housewives in track suits;

Hot guys in swimsuits;

And me in a costume;

What is: "A hotel Starbucks, for $1000."

The Countdown Begins...

The truth on tour is that I dearly miss my family and every second I'm away from them feels like an open wound.

Today I board a red-eye into the storm of a three week tour;

The glamorous life begins, and so I mask my sadness behind a facade of white teeth—which I paid top dollar for—and I celebrate the fact that I get paid to live my dream.

The present sometimes requires a delusional bliss; the paycheck helps, too!

Trust Your Instinct...

That feeling in your upper gut is not gas––it’s your instinct––and the more I listen to it, the happier I am.
Life is too short to give a shit about other people’s judgments of you (no matter how important they think they are), trust yourself and plan an exit strategy accordingly.

The Work Only Works When...

I’ve read dozens of self-discovery books in my lifetime;
Endless hours of time invested on my yoga mat;
Meditation and prayer are a constant in my mind and soul;
Still, I struggle to be present.
The work of the ego is as mighty as the Devil at weeklong Bible retreat in the south; and more destructive, too.
When I give in to the unrealistic demands of my ego, I seek more; more money, more jobs, more opportunities, more, more, more!
A catastrophic path that leads to a miserable life.
The annihilation can be avoided by getting out of my head and back to the present.
When I use the tools: breathe, release, trust, and find light––I return to the finest version of myself––present and ready for anything.

Get Over It; And Let It Go...

Is there a difference between getting over something and letting something go?
I think when I get over something I never look back;
But if I let something go, I always wonder if I’ve released it too soon...
I can get over my reaction to a circumstance, but I can never seem to let go of the person or path that lead me to react in the first place.
My goal this year is to learn how to really let go of the energy that no longer serves me; it’s a simple practice in getting over my need to control everything.
And I’ve already established that I’m good at getting over things...

Clearing Back Debris

I just walk our property with a new landscape team;
You never realize how overgrown and ugly your property is, until you have a specialist open your eyes to the weeds, overgrowth, and dead weight.
It was a metaphor for the internal emotional and mental struggles I’m dealing with.
I accepted that it was time to give my heart, mind, and soul and good pruning today; which will be my focus in yoga––clearing back the overgrown fears, doubts, and weeds.

One Down...

The show is over and the check has been cashed; 

Crushing the competition, fighting to remain creative, and (hopefully) inspiring a new generation of dancers.

One down, five more weeks to go!

Let Go Of Darkness

Feeling off center; I ground myself through coffee beans and self-help books.

Reading, journaling, and a quick scan of my mental and emotion health reveal that I may be spending more time in my head than I'd like to admit.

With a deep breath and a heavy sigh, I release the darkness;

Saturated poison and fear that I absorbed like a sponge in a room full of people who hide behind a judgmental smile.

I am who I am; letting go of everything else—life is short—I've got work to do.

Living The Dream

The grumbling in my stomach from eating inconsistently;

The subtle traces leftover sleep in my eyes;

The mild aches and pains in my neck from sleeping in a bed that's unfamiliar;

(I miss my bed.)

This is the life that I dreamed of living, for better or worse, so I'm turning my frown into a forced smile—it will eventually manifest into a genuine feeling of gratitude—I'm living the dream.

Snark and Starbucks

The employees at Starbucks dawn their best game faces;

As a former service industry professional myself, I see past there plastered smile and pleasant facade.

My expertise in dealing with customers at 6 a.m. detects a hint of snark in their tone as they welcome crabby customers.

I smile inside and count my blessings; I get spend my day in a theater—I might not be performing—but I'm not appeasing un-caffeinated assholes.

Remembering Gram

I cried myself to sleep last night;
contagious laughter and unconditional love––I miss her beyond imagination.

Life Lesson

I didn't book the job;

Which saved me from backing out of two—already contracted—gigs.

I was struggling with the decision and asked God to intervene.

I told myself that I'd be happy with whichever outcome I was faced with; to my delight, I feel confident in the answer the Universe sent me.

Sometimes booking a role on TV is not as important and maintaining an existing agreement.

When It Rains, It Pours...

I receive more opportunities to work on television while I’m out of town working on other creative projects;
which means my creative energy is so powerful that people are attracted to me more when other people are exploiting it.
...or, that life.
I’m going with the later.
Of course, I’m 2000 miles away from LA when I receive offers to work on a new television series––ever the professional––I turn down the spot on the small screen to honor my first commitment, only to return to my hotel room to another email from my agent with a second offer on an already established TV show.
...when it rains, it pours––was the response I received from both my husband and my manager.
My motto has always been, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”
So I said yes to the second part and now I have to wait and see if I can break a contract (which, in 20 years in the industry, I’ve only done one other time) and work coordinate a costume fitting around a national holiday and an overbooked flight.
Today I’m going to let go, and let God.

Back To The Present

During my morning reading, journaling, and meditation my mental roadsigns brought me here:
You are here.
The present moment;
A powerful force against fear, doubt, and uncertainty.
I don’t need to know where I’ll be next year at this time;
Nor do I need to focus on what I’ll be doing next week, tomorrow, or even tonight.
Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again––I bring myself back to the simple truth:
this moment (literally this very second that I am typing) is the only thing that is real.
I can’t change the past or predict the future; when I’m present I don’t need to––because I remember––the past cannot be changed and the future will never be here.

Them Pains...

The dull but incredibly irritating pain in the forward part of my head is softened only by the rich, sharp rumbling in my stomach;
I Googled “upper stomach pain” to discover that––thanks to years of an ibuprofen addiction––I most likely have a peptic ulcer.
So...I get to deal with that, while on tour.
#TheGlamorousLife

Faith; Light.

It’s easy to have faith when everything is going “my way”;
Faith––in its very definition requires that you trust especially when things aren’t going your way.
How do I find that light––that positive energy––in total darkness?
Accepting that God, the Universe, a powerful being greater than I, has a plan.
In the midst of doubting, I remind myself of the countless moments when that force intervened in my life; that has to be enough.
Returning to the breath and letting go of the fear––absolute surrender––in times of massive negative energy is the only way through; like a flashlight illuminating the trail through the overgrown forest, faith is the only light I need.

So Long...

I just dropped my mom off at the airport––on her birthday no less––after a beautiful week of lounging by the pool, eating out at delicious restaurants, and shopping; a lot of shopping.
I often write about saying goodbye––a universal salutation––that never gets easier for me.
Today’s farewell was more challenging than usual, primarily because I’m flying out of town, too.
Instead of going back to Colorado with mom, or to Hawaii with Jeff, I’m going to work––while most people in LA rage about their 60 minute commute on the 405––I flair my nostrils and lose my shit going through the TSA PreCheck line.
I’ve willingly paid money and submitted a complete background check (both hands fingerprinted), and still I stand and wait.
But I digress, I’m feeling sorrowful.  Even after five days of fabulous, undivided quality time with my mom––I feel like I need more!
Add on the layer of leaving my husband and two puppies for nine days and I drop into full panic mode.
It’s moments like these that I’m grateful for the nerds of the world––like Steve Jobs––for using their mighty brainpower to create devices and software like iChat... Now if someone would just figure out how to teleport humans across thousands of miles in a nanosecond...

Six Word Essay on Family

Love and sass, the perfect combination.

Too Much Caffeine...

Too much caffeine after 3 p.m. has me:
writing my blog entry for the day at 12:14 a.m.;
doing laundry;
cleaning the kitchen;
obsessing over what to wear tomorrow;
choreographing projects in my living room, while binge watching Bloodline on Netflix;
eating almond M&M’s that my mom left out the coffee table;
sharing cat videos from YouTube to Twitter.

International Yoga Day

Free flowing breath;

Mindful mediation calms the chatter and useless  ambience in my mind;

My soul awakens with the joyfully focused energy in the room;

Passion, creativity, peace, balance, and presence; a harmonious practice of evolution and light.

Mom's Back In Town...

My mom and step-dad stood on the curb at LAX waiting for me with a smile and a boatload of suitcases––they’re only staying a week––but unlike me, they don’t mind checking bags.
Per mom’s request, we headed down to the South Bay (where I grew up) to eat at one of our favorite restaurants.  The hole-in-the-wall greasy family operated Mexican café was every bit as delicious as it was twenty years ago... the only difference is the reaction my body has to it.
Apparently overly-salted foods with too much dairy and lard don’t sit well in my yoga body; I think my stomach literally said, “Gurgle, gurgle...YOgattaBeKiddingMe!”
We decided to watch a movie when we got home and without missing a beat, my mom pulled out a bag full of candy and chocolate; some things do not change...and I LOVE it.
I’m in heaven when my family is in town; my waistline is in hell...

Now Boarding

When your flight to LAX gets delayed,

Seek out a flight to Burbank;

A shorter flight to an airport closer to home, with a lot less traffic...

Always find the silver lining.

Call Time; Truth on Tour

The 5AM wake-up call thrusts me out of bed;
I step into a blisteringly hot shower hoping that the heat will help peel my eyes open.
Still not awake I get dressed in a zombie-sleep-like rote.
My viens are begging for caffeine;
Starbucks won’t open for another 20 minutes.
I remind myself: you are living the dream! The life you chose for yourself; so get excited and be grateful

Show Business; Old Friends

I landed in Sacramento last night and realized an old friend is in town starring in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast at the Sacramento Music Circus.
While at dinner, I reached out to him, and within 30 minutes I was meeting him at his stage door for a final dress tech rehearsal!
It might be one of my favorite aspects of the artist’s life;
No matter where you are in the world––if you’ve worked in show business––there’s bound to be someone you know...putting on a show.
It was such a pleasure catching up with my friend and watching him take the stage in the title role; he’s a star, on stage and off!

Traveling

The airport is where I get most of my busy work done;
Watching people pass, some are off to a fabulous vacation, many are headed to a 3 star hotel, and some don’t even change out of their pajamas;
Traveling is so un-glamorous.

Today's Present

What good are tools if I don’t use them?
Getting trapped in my head about circumstances that cannot be resolved with logic.
Enter, Faith.
I close my eyes and practice my meditation;
what good are tools if we don’t use them, right?
Breathing in slowly and releasing the doubt.
Every day invites a new opportunity to find awareness:
I can’t solve tomorrows problems––but I can be present today.

Note To Self: Take Action

When it feels like nothing is happening, take action.

A simple, positive step—no matter how small—can change the way you feel and approach the day!

Unique and Unexpected

During my morning reading and meditation, I was reminded that “my purpose is to share joy through the blessings I’ve been given.”
I needed that reminder today.
Time and again, I forget just how powerful a smile and a positive attitude is;
my life has been a series of opportunities that were born out of my relentless, passionate, steadfast approach to my dreams.
It may not be the path that I mapped out when I embarked on my adventure twenty-one years ago, but just like a trip to Disneyland––the best rides are the ones you have to go out of your way for.
And the most rewarding experiences thus far have been those where I engaged with a likeminded group of people and created something unique and unexpected.

The Tony's; Acceptance For All

Last night, while watching the Tony Awards telecast, a tidal wave of gratitude whirled me around my living room.
I was singing and dancing along with the talented actor-singer-dancer (triple threats) that the theater community––unlike many in LA––praise.
How fortunate I was to find a home in the theater community so early in my life; deep in the closet (at a performing arts high school––no less), or once I finally came out (on the stage at Radio City Music Hall––of course), I found joy, love, laughter, education, inspiration, and art among the men and women who pour their soul (and soles) into the work that they do.
Is it a coincidence that the community that accepts everyone; encourages everyone to find their voice; inspires the world to dream; celebrates their heroes by honoring them during Pride month?
I’m sure the Gay mafia has something to do with it... I joke, but seriously, thank God for theater––it is more than entertainment; it’s history, art, education, inspiration, love, laughter, and acceptance––and it just might help a kid living in darkness, step into the light!