I'm Positive About This...

The amount of energy it requires to be positive is equal to the investment we make living in doubt;
Both are choices that we decide. There will always be people who use circumstance as an excuse.
True victims work through their pain; others use their past as a crutch moving through life.
We’ve all experienced setbacks, traumas, and darkness––relative to us as individuals––and it’s in those moments where we define who we will be because of them.
If both positive and negative energy require effort, why not work to seek an optimistic outlook?

Reach For The Goal

But don’t forget that it’s not about accomplishing the goal as much as it is about refining your aim and learning along the way.

We're All In This Together

The driver who cuts me off;

The dance mom who screams because her daughter lost;

The barista who doesn’t smile back;

The gate agent who could put me in an aisle seat, but decided to leave me stuck in the middle;

The yoga teacher who chants peace, but shares such a negative vibe;

When I remember that we’re all connected by humanity—I release the rage and return to loving my fellow brothers and sisters.

I’m Positive About That…

A positive person is never challenged;

They find answers where others find fear.

Timeline; Destiny

I’ve stopped pushing;

I haven’t lost my tenacity—I’ve just accepted the present: what I have is enough.

I’ve witnessed countless brilliant stars burnout—or worse—lose themselves in the “its never enough” loop.

My journey has been filled with fabulous opportunities; I used to think, “Thus is the one, the one that would propel me into the mainstream.”

What happens once I’m there? Will I stop working hard? Will I feel like I have enough? No to both, I imagine.

Making it? I am making it; I’ve never stopped making it—I don’t need fame or money to prove that.

Letting go of the stress or the desire to accomplish a dream, and living it, presently.

This is my destiny.

Life.

When this moment ends a new one begins;
But all we have is this moment, so let’s just be here for that.

A Little Faith

Some people believe in God;

Some people believe in The Universe;

Some people believe in Science;

Some people believe in the Self;

Some people believe in Mankind;

Isn’t it nice that so many people have so much conviction? Now, if we could just respect one another’s faith and learn how to coexist peacefully.

Surrender To The Present

Last night I panicked a little bit. I briefly lost track of “me” and gave in to the unrealistic drama in my mind. I allowed my ego to launch into a full-blown  interrogation––similar to what you'd expect on a procedural crime show on NBC. I heard Mariska Hargitay’s voice challenging me, “Do you really think that you can continue on this path, Matthew?”
The tone in her voice was so judgmental and serious that it coaxed my soul and heart to conspire with my mind.
Then, a subtle light appeared out of the darkness, (thankfully) I saw my reflection in the one-sided mirror in the 10 x 10 holding room and snapped myself back into the present.
“Who cares what anyone else thinks about my journey?”
Now, my Criminal Mind character took over...
Please answer these questions, Matthew:

Do you still enjoy the journey that you’re on?  “Yes.”
Do you still find pleasure in the creative process? “Yes.”
Above and beyond the basic essential needs (food, housing, clothing, health), have you consistently been able to provide a loving, solid, adventurous life filled with lavish dinners, decadent cultural explorations, laughter and learning for you and your loved ones? “Yes.”
Finally, is there any place you’d rather be; or anything else you’d rather be doing with your life at this point? “No.”
Then what is the issue? “There is no issue.”

Back to the present then to continue the expedition into love, laughter, culture, friendship, family, creativity, and evolution.

Unknown; Possibilities

I woke up to the crying skies;
Grey outside but inside my heart and home warmth radiates;
I am sunny and ready to conquer the day!
Full of joy thinking about the endless possibilities that lie ahead undiscovered.
I continue to explore the boundaries of my dreams;
Some have manifested in unimaginable ways:
Others dance around in my soul waiting for their opportunity to leap!
The beautify of the unknown––there’s no timeline;
When the moment is right, you walk into the light.

Action Causes Reaction

The effect of one action can lead to remarkable victories or devastating defeat;
completely dependent upon the motivation and intention.
Set into motion the positive energy that inspires creativity, change, growth, wisdom, and watch wait for the powerful return.
The reaction will be your reward.

Love Is Powerful

The silent conviction of my heart;

Sharing passion, Faith, and compassion.

Fighting fear, doubt, and ignorance with a deep breath and trust.

Drowning darkness with the radiant light of love; positivity prevails.

Your Choice; Powerful

Waiting for life; you’ll wait a lifetime.

Taking the first step; unknown and exhilarating.

Courage is active; only brave people evolve.

Power is within reach; your choice…

Process Over Prize

The savory taste of victory is no match for the complex, layered, well-balanced meal that is the journey.

Strength

Taking a breath instead of reacting impulsively;

Backing down from an argument;

Releasing the need to control:

It takes courage to walk away.

Let Go…

I held onto a beautiful writing pen for over twenty years;

Together we crafted stories—I wrote my first manuscript with the heavy silver rollerball instrument—countless hours of journaling and hundreds of love letters; many of which were sent to the love who gifted the elegant precision pen the Christmas of our lust affair.

I’ve long since moved on from his bitter betrayal, but the pen always served me well.

Never one to hold on to attachments, I didn’t realize how much I’d miss the pen… alas, it’s gone and I’m struggling to move on.

This (I tell myself) is why I practice yoga.

Let go. Non-attachment. Time to make space for a new story!

A Simple Truth for Artists

It is in the attempt, not the execution, where an artist truly grows.

The First Step...

When we start a new journey, the first step is scary.
Overwhelmed with the unknown and maneuvering through a landmine of fear, doubt, and questions.
If I’ve learned anything in my 30′s, it’s that I have so much still to learn;
Staying in the present helps.
Walking with Fatih and love, too.
We cannot know what will happen tomorrow or ten years down the road.
I believe that I will continue to manifest my dreams.
I don’t have to be concerned with the “how”, I just have to trust in the NOW.

Love, Above All Else

When the hate is strong;

When darkness suffocates the light;

When you are surrounded by fear;

When it feels impossible to find common ground;

Love, above all else!

Have Faith

The faith we have in ourselves will determine the amount of faith others put upon us.
Who wants to collaborate with someone who doesn't believe they can get the job done?
I’ve never lacked confidence, and I’ve often set out to accomplish a goal with (perhaps) an overinflated sense of certainty.  In those instances, I always found my footing along the way; I learned a lot about myself and how I handle stress; I evolved as a person and I discovered that I would always find my footing along the way.  Not every adventure lead to success, but they all gave way to growth and self-discovery.
You have to be fearless and trust that you will know what to do when you need to!

Ability Is Only Part of the Eqaution.

Wanting and dreaming are the catalyst;

Natural talent and drive will offer a strong foundation;

But success requires work.

Investing in daily habits that create opportunities to grow and achieve our goals.

Wake Up to Love

Present in the company of The Universe;

God is love.

Never in harms way through grace and faith;

Alive and awake.

There Is Always A Way

Some people find excuses for why they won’t succeed;

The rest of us find a way.

Fearlessly and faithfully tenacious, creative, relentless, passionate, and wise, we seek to carve a door where once there was a lead wall.

Love

With curiosity seek truth;

Not judgment.

Tragedy in the news confirms I understand less and less every day;

Still I believe in humanity.

Why? Unanswered, perhaps we ask the wrong question.

How? Can we offer more compassion; love.

Wisdom & Courage

Wisdom is power, courage is using that power in a meaningful way; an unstoppable force.

I cannot convince the world to believe as I do, nor would I want to, but I continue to push boundaries with a fearless and positive tenacity in an effort to entice others to think for themselves.

Failure Is The Sign of a Life Fully Lived

Who can say they’ve lived a full life without—at some point—experiencing failure.
Dreams and goals plotted on life’s map; you either risk everything, set out on the journey, and live or watch others conquer from afar.

Success

…is not giving up on your dream.

Practice Freedom:

From unhappiness, stress, fear, anger, the past, the future, and what others think of you.

We have the power of choice. As easy as it is to surrender to negative energy; the radiance of the positive action will set you free!

Whatever The Situation; That Is Life.

I used to complain a lot.
I’m a very happy person and have been most of my life, still, I would always find a reason to nag.
As I’ve grown––traveled, worked, studied, evolved––I’ve discovered that successful people seldom complain.
Rather than seeing a negative, I’ve habitually trained myself to find a positive in every circumstance.
Naturally I don’t always succeed, I’m still human, but I’ve found a balance in my outlook.  Now, when I’m in a mood or struggling with a circumstance I force myself to admit: “This is life.”
Often, that simple admission is enough to return to the present.
When I acknowledge aloud that I know that I’m being ridiculous, I find it much harder to continue the destructive mindset...the situation is what it is; but I can choose to react based on my ability to breath and release, rather than out of fear and anger.

Accept Death; and Live

There’s no escaping the inevitable truth: we will all expire one day.
A terrifying thought for many––especially if you’re not living in the present.
The moment you surrender to the honesty of life you realize that every day that you’re not dead you're living.
But are you truly living?

The Real Me.

Not the clothes, career, car, or home I own is me;
It’s my Faith, passion, and conviction that is my truth.
I trust in the moment and evolve with wisdom from every adventure, loss, and victory.
I am Me.

The Loss of “I”.

Releasing the “I”dentity can be a challenge;
clinging to the labels we’ve cultivated for ourselves will eventually prevent us from evolving into the person we are truly meant to be.
Learn to let go; and prepare to receive!

Endings

The finality of life or the end of a wonderful experience reminds us that life is a cycle.

With every loss we can find a rebirth; a discovery that nothing is over—no matter how permanent it may feel—we are constant evolving. 

Face Fear; Accept Death; Live Present.

Once you surrender to the inevitable truth of the Universe, you are brilliantly catapulted into the present; living fearlessly.

From Death; Rebirth

From Death; Rebirth

Every night is death; every morning a rebirth, a new day!

Ideas that no longer serve us give way to fresh thoughts.

From the ashes of our ancestors, energy!

Acknowledge Everyone

The human connection is powerful; when you take time to make eye contact, listen, and engage with others you elevate the level of presence and grow as a person.

Object; Objection

Neither the clothes I wear, the car I drive, or the things I buy will bring me closer to the truth of who I am; material objects will not reveal who I am.

It’s commonplace to hide behind objects; possessions have their own story, and so do I!

Awareness: Past the Pain

The moment I overthink a circumstance, get sucked back into the drama of my past, or challenge the outcome of my future I have removed myself from the present.

A simple adjustment in my mindset and a deep breath bring awareness; a return to what is actually happening.

The pain and questions are my egos desperate attempt to control my life, and the simple truth is that I owe it to myself to live the life that is actually happening—rather than a rerun of my former life or a dream sequence of something that isn’t present.

Ego Seeks Righteousness; Soul Seeks Peace

The need to be right usually overthrows the desire to find peace;
Letting go of the ego requires trusting that ‘you’ are enough!
My ego wants more; my soul is fed when I am present.

Attention: No Judgement

Our ego is quick to label and judge; self preservation is to blame.

However, when we return to the present and pay attention to what is in front of us, we are more likely to form cultivate positive, fearless ideas; without judgment!

Breathe In Light

When I take a deep breath and release everything I’m instantly return to the universe; connected with the life-force.

Labels Are Mind-Made.

We use words to describe, define, and divide.
Labels that were surely meant to help us identify, communicate, and navigate life, have evolved into a trap.
We get so hung up in our minds overthinking everything.
Do you think a dog questions the purpose of life?
Or a flower challenges the existence of God?

The Universe; Alive in Us

Pulsing energy connected to nature, humanity, and the heavens;
Created to thrive as one;
A beating heart, we dance in rhythm––we are alive!

Listen To Nature

Rain drops falling; the purification of life.
Wind whistling; moving energy across the universe.
A river trickling past; the reminder that life never stops moving.
Birds singing; hope is everywhere.
Nature is full of messages; in stillness we are reminded.

A Tree Is A Tree; I am Me.

The strong trunk deeply rooted into the earth;
Grounded and confident its branches sway and leaves rustle.
Through sunshine, rain, wind, and storms the tree remains fearless––not even the threat of fire causes it to be anything other than a tree.
Surely the tree is vulnerable to elements, yet it continues to provide shelter, food, and lodging to other insects and animals; some may even unknowingly hurt the tree; yet the tree continues to stand.
Nature can teach us a lot about being present.
I don’t have to be anything other than Me.

Balance

Standing on one foot for an extended period of time is easy;
Finding stability among the challenges of life, relationships, career, and health where a strong center is key!

Surrender Now

Let go of yesterday; it’s gone and can’t be redone.
Let go of tomorrow; it’s too far away;
Be here now, surrender to this moment and reap the beauty of the present.

One Thing At A Time

Focused and present;
Quality over quantity;
Master the person, task, or adventure in front of you;
Engage in one thing ensures a completely full experience.

Breathing In This Moment

The power of breath;
Life, presence, awareness:
In with peace,
Out with love.
Grounded, strong, confident;
I am here.

Clarity

Meditation, breath, and returning to the present;
I see and accept that all we have is now.

Self-realization

You are not what you wear;
What you do;
Who you know;
Where you live;
Find space and silence to look deep within and meet the undiscovered and more connected you.

Inner Essence

Accepting that I am not the clothes I wear, the car I drive, the gig I book, the book I sell, the house I own, the friends I have, the adventures I’ve experienced, or the money I’ve saved is priceless.
I am a kind, strong, talented, outgoing, positive, creative, tenacious, loving person; I hope to share the gifts, passion, and faith that I have with as many people as I can.
Finding the inner light and giving myself the permission to shine.

Accept What Is

It’s easy to accept the present when everything is going well. It’s when the world seems dark, and you’ve lost hope that acceptance becomes an obstacle.

Ironically, it’s in those moments of fear, doubt, insecurity, or utter despair that we need to be present and breathe.

I catch myself thinking, “Once I’m through with this [ FILL IN THE BLANK ], then I’ll be able to smile again.”

My goal is to reach those moments if heightened stress and smile through them. Thanking the hurdle for challenging me to grow as a person.

Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up; it means surrendering to “what is” completely—allowing room for clarity. Once you know what you’re up against, you can choose the most appropriate tool to overcome it!

I Am

The definition of who I am continues to evolve.
The most valuable lesson that I’ve learned through countless hours of meditation, yoga, prayer, reading, questioning, listening, traveling, and self-discovery is that I am present.
Undefinable based on what I’m working on, how much money I have, what clothes I’m wearing, where I live––and so on and so forth.
I am––a sacred space.
I am most at peace, when I accept what is in the moment and remain true to the version of me at that point in time; the Now.
I am––here.

Now is Always Here; Past and Future Are Thoughts.

Most of us continue to relive moments from our past or waste time dreaming about our future when the truth is all that we ever have is NOW.
The conversation that happened just seconds ago or the activity that is about to happen are just thoughts.
Accepting that this moment (right NOW) is the only thing we really have is freedom.
In this moment nothing from our past can prevent us from starting fresh, and nothing in our future can stop us from being present.

The Only Goal: Be Here Now

The ego demands that we remain in a constant state of chaos;
It says, “Achieve more. Be more. You’re not enough.”
The Present Moment says, “Take care of what’s in front of you.  Be here. You, are enough. This moment is all there is.”
All of the goal setting, planning, and tenacious outreach to gain more gets in the way of the most important aspect of life: appreciating what is.
Be here now.

Identify The Ego

I’m sitting in my hotel room gazing out the window watching the gentle snow fall;
Every flake is gorgeous and unique;
A mirror to humanity.
The snowflakes fall together creating a stunning landscape without the need to compare or be better than the crystallized ice that floats around them.

You Are Not The Voice In Your Head

We all hear a voice—or voices—in our head.

The nagging reminder of all the insecurities, doubts, and judgments that exist in thought.

We have the power to overcome those damaging thoughts, but it requires awareness.

The ability to become present when we hear the destructive dialogue and remember that your ego feeds on the drama; but you don’t have to! When you become aware of the voice, recognize the ego and refocus your attention on the present.

Complaining; It's A Pattern

Interesting: very few people appreciate listening to a friend or loved one complain, yet we all feel justified when it’s our turn to share in the Ego driven pattern of seeking redemption, validation, or justification as a victim.

Become At Ease With the State of “Not Knowing.”

As an artist, I’ve spent a lifetime living in the unknown;
Where will my next job come from?
Will people enjoy my book, play, television appearance?
What will I do if I stop booking work?
The unknown can be a dark, terrifying place for anyone.
Yet, from the unknown some of my brightest experiences have been born.  Unexpected adventures to foreign countries; last minute bookings on TV shows; wild parties full of A-list heroes; job opportunities that pushed my creativity beyond what I dreamed I was capable of...
It is in the state of not knowing where hope and dreams thrive; there in that uncertainty remains the idea that anything could happen!

Awareness From Within

When I close my eyes and focus on the energy swirling inside my body I am instantly present;
In that moment I find the space to react, think, create, live and I am once again connected to my purpose.

"Not Enough" Is A Condition

During the early trails on my journey as an artists I discovered a detrimental character flaw.

Despite having a devoted and creative husband; a beautiful home; surrounded by brilliant friends and family; and a career that has allowed me to travel the world whilst building on my dreams—I found myself thinking, “I want more!”

My Ego exposed; it was not my finest hour. Yet, the revelation had me questioning my very purpose as a storyteller.

How can you exist in the entertainment industry happily? Every job—I was lucky enough to book—had me satisfied, no: elated! I made it! Then, the reality hit: this job will end. What’s next? I want to do this again.

Spending my childhood in endless dance, acting, and vocal classes; investing thousands of dollars and energy pursuing my dream as an adult; and finally receiving opportunities, it makes senses that I’d want more…

Artists believe that they need their ego to create anything worthwhile, what’s more, we believe that without Ego we won’t gain any attention.

When I found Eckhart Tolle the first time around, my Ego rejected his book. No thanks Oprah, he might be good enough for you, but I need my Ego.

Thankfully, I woke up a few years ago and recognized that if I wanted to survive this industry, I would need to find worth in myself regardless of my career.

When I accepted that my Ego, fear, insecurity, anger, joy are conditions that will eventually pass, I unlocked the peace of the present.

Since that awakening I’ve been more open to unimaginable adventures and my creativity, skill set, and job opportunities have flourished!

Compulsive Thinking Is Avoidance Of Now

I started writing this blog post in my head whilst practicing yoga this morning. There, in the midst of my Sun B flow I realized I wasn’t there; I was avoiding what was right in front of me.

My mind wanted to escape the present—a beautiful yoga class—and I had to ask “why?”

We’ve become so programmed to constantly increase productivity and we’ve completely lost quality control.

When I focus my attention, breath, and Faith, on one action I can achieve a more meaningful result.

Don’t Take Your Thoughts Too Seriously

Lost in thought throughout my childhood; I spent too much time listening to the dialogue in my mind.

My conflicted soul resisted the noise in my head like an activist at a Trump rally, but it wasn’t until my last year in high school that I finally found the courage to convince my thoughts to trust my heart.

Dissecting every possibility; over analyzing the obvious; carefully calculating the odds—it’s no match for trusting your instinct.

Life is what happens while you’re making plans; or so the saying goes…

Why not plan to release and go with the flow?

Consciousness

Presently realizing that you’ve been lost in thought.

Wisdom Through Awareness

Growing up, my dad would “encourage” me to help him out around the house, in the garage, and at his office––I’m sure the free labor was half the reason my parents decided to have me––and whether we were in a crawl space repairing a pipe or neck deep in grease changing the oil in our car he would say (half joking to lift my spirits), “Watch and learn!”
My dad’s point was valid and has served me throughout my life.  He taught me to be a watchful observer, to be aware of my circumstances, and to learn from everything.
Turns out he was a wise guy after all...

Stillness Is Where Creativity And Solutions Are Found.

I know people who seek drama, they think it makes them more creative; a real artist.
I’ve always been attracted to chaos, not necessarily in my personal life, but  among the talented circle of creative individuals I’ve surrounded myself with.
Then, I found myself on a project working alongside a dark, troubled, incredibly talented choreographer who thought it was a wise choice to create unnecessary friction between the cast.  I would leave the studio with a headache and spend the evening in a mild state of depression.
Slowly, I started to pull away from the rest of the cast––I found a quite corner in the rehearsal hall and read, journaled, or listened to classical music.
That’s when I first discovered the magic of stillness.  Throughout the remainder of the rehearsal process, my creativity and ability flourished; while the rest of my colleagues battled with injuries, struggled to stay positive, and continued to receive notes regarding their less-than-favorable performances.
That show was a wonderful opportunity for me to learn the value of serenity; giving myself permission to disconnect from the noise and find the gift of inner peace.

Awareness From Your Surroundings

I watched the sky transform from a deep cobalt blue into a soft sky blue in a matter of minutes;
I gazed at a tree and explored the layers and depths of green, yellow, and brown that twisted together in the wind;
With careful surveillance I observed my Yorkie, Ginger inhale a cookie like a child devours an ice cream cone on a hot day, I could taste the joy and feel her gratitude, love, and pleasure––all from a simple dog treat.
When I allow myself the quite space to become aware of my surroundings without labels or judgments, I’m reminded of how simple yet detailed life is; we are all connected.

Listen For Silence; Become Aware

Many of us walk around with a persistent voice in our head; planning, questioning, challenging, worrying endlessly.
Constant chatter that clouds our judgment and forces us away from the present.
I could feel the vibrant energy of 2018 pulling me in even before yesterday;
Collectively we (society) agree upon the beginning of a new calendar year and the mark of a fresh start.
Of course, when we allow ourselves to realize (or accept it as the case may be), we have the opportunity––the gift––to approach every single day with the same awareness.
Silence can be scary for many people; those who seek distractions from the never-ending demands of the ego.
If, when we think of that soundless space, we allow ourselves to become aware of the present, we may just find a moment of peace and clarity.
Try it; give yourself permission to stop the barrage of unnecessary inner dialogue and invite presence.

Inner Stillness

The perfect way to welcome a New Year!
Vibrant rays energize my body;
The California breeze sweeps past me as I sit in meditation;
Like a sound effect in a superhero movie, the world around me is silent; I’m in a bubble.
Then, clarity: silence is golden.

Goodbye 2017; I’m Positive It’s Time For You To Go.

I sit here typing this blog in the early morning hours of the final day in 2017; thank God––I’m not one to be so negative––therein lies the problem.
In blatant disrespect of my yoga-Zen-Faith–seek-the-light-stay-positive-and-persevere general disposition, I spent most of 2017 confronting the Dark Force inside me, similar to the NEW Natalie Portman in the latest installment of the “Star Wars” franchise.
Then, I spent last evening in a yoga sound bath––yes, you heard me––*yoga sound bath, when it dawned on me that I’ve spent the past six months morning the death of my thirties.

I never thought I was that “guy” who cared about “age”, and (mostly) I’m not.   Then it occurred to me that I went through a similar transition when I turned 29, which makes sense. Until we’re several decades in, I suppose we don’t really contemplate how quickly they seem to go.
When I turned 39––six months into a year that started with Trump––a small part of me checked out.  I let myself give into negative thoughts and lost touch with my inner passion, spirit, and drive.  
My thirties were magical, but my twenties were brilliant, too, which is why I have no doubt that my forties will be spectacular.
As the final vibration of bubbly sound poured over my wider-than-usual shavasana, I concluded that my subconscious mourning period should end with 2017.  I have the power to replace every negative thought with a positive action; it has worked my entire life and subsequently attracted exceptional people and wild adventures.



*You’re dying to know what a yoga sound bath is, aren’t you? It’s a **yin-yoga meditation and stretch class with live music dripping all around you.

**You’re going to have to Google this one.

Prepare To Let Go...

The year wraps up like a shot in a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon’s office;
Quick, painless, and expensive. (All of those post Christmas clearance sales?!)
I sit in peaceful meditation; contemplating the possibilities.
Endless adventure awaits those who can let go of last year's baggage and embrace a new set of luggage.

Set It, And Forget It.

Not the 90’s infomercial selling a slow cooker; goals and resolutions.
Find the courage to trust that your intentions will manifest as they are supposed to as you navigate through your day.

Happy Trails Tommy; You Will Be Missed

I entered Joseph Arnold Elementary School two months into my 3rd grade year.  My parents had just relocated our family to Southern California from a small town in Colorado.
I walked onto the campus wearing the perfect Colorado outfit; tan corduroy pants, a western button-down, and Kangaroos.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I stood out from all the blond surfers wearing Gottcha T-shirts, board shorts, and Vans; I looked like a ballerina in a hip-hop class: awkward!
Thankfully, one brave boy, Tom Swayer (YES, that was his real name), walked over and asked me if I wanted to sit next to him––thrilled that I had an instant friend, I said yes!
We transitioned from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts; countless family vacations; soccer games; backpacking trips; he taught me how to body-board during the summer vacation between 4th and 5th grade; school dances, our first girlfriends, late night pranks, wild adventures, and countless conversations about sex, God, and everything in-between.
Yesterday, Tom passed away in a terrible motorbike accident; I am in total shock.
Our lives drifted apart after high school, but thanks to the (sometimes) positive benefits of Facebook, I was able to rekindle our friendship online.
I’m devastated that I missed an opportunity to see him a few short months ago, while I was visiting a few of my friends from my old neighborhood in the South Bay.
We always think we have more time; another lesson remembered: today is all we have––and today––I am mourning the loss of my old pal.
R.I.P. Tommy.

Warmth

A simple practice repeated with breath and a mantra, warms my core—body, soul, mind—from the inside out; the heated room is the catalyst for powerful presence.

One Truth; Light

In a world abundant with unknowns and untruths, God is the only thing I’ve known to be certain; unfailing.
Full of love I’m happy; I feel at peace; my mind’s dialogue is calm; no nagging obsessive ambitions––still, continually work toward my dreams with purpose––and entirely fulfilled with my life.
I am present and that is everything.

Merry Christmas

When I was a kid we’d all be on speaker phone talking to cousins, aunts, uncles, and the grandparents... Now we all huddle around the iPhone for FaceTime!  It’s a Christmas Miracle.
#GameChanger

Christmas Eve Tradition

I was recently asked what my favorite Christmas tradition was.
My answer caught me off guard, but it was true, “Not having to adhere to a tradition!”
I went on to clarify that throughout my life––and starting at a very early age––I’ve been blessed with so many adventures with family and friends during this time of year.
Whether we were meeting family in Las Vegas (a mutual agreed upon meeting point between my extended family in Colorado and our immediate family in Cali), or working on stage at Radio City Music Hall, I’ve been certain to find the gift of being in that moment.  In many ways, it was the beginning of my quest to find the Present.
As I scan the brilliant memories of Christmas past, the common theme (tradition if you will) is that I’ve been surrounded by love, joy, Faith, and laughter.

The Nutcracker

Rats dancing around a gorgeous palace all decorated for Christmas;
A Sugarplum Fairy flirting with a Prince;
Ethnically insensitive stereotypes parading around the stage in competition;
Beautiful bodies stretching and reaching, twirling and jumping around the stage;
Sounds like every party I’ve been too in NYC.

You Know You’re Living The Dream When…

You can lounge by a pool with a book and a cool breeze, under a gorgeous cloud-free blue sky 3 days before Christmas!

Six Word Essay On The Week Before Christmas

Belly stuffed and all shopped out!

Double Down—ward Dog!

Another dinner party means only one thing:
Doubling up on my yoga routine;
If I’m going to throw down more food, I’ve got to double downward dog!

Feed The Ducks

Lily the Shih Tzu stares with her head titled, confused by the sound of quack... that’s not a dog?!
Ginger the Yorkie sits waiting for a crumb––they’re for the ducks Ginger... she doesn’t get it.
We walk along the Los Angeles River; just a bunch of animals feeding the birds.

Moderation

The holidays are full of festive gatherings, too much food, laughter, and booze;
Today––whilst attempting to get downward dog in yoga––I had a flash of clarity.
Why am I fighting so hard to get into this posture? My body feels broken and my belly is full––why not “drop down” and give myself a break.  (A sentiment that is often repeated throughout a yoga class.)
Yoga, just as in life, is a lesson in letting go and finding balance:
I have to know when to push; when to pull; and when to lie in shavasana.
I struck a healthy balance in class and discovered that moderation suits me.

Say Cheese.

Holiday Parties full of laughter and cheer; and food––a lot of food.
My downfall: cheese. I can’t resist the creamy, buttery, salty, lactose-I’m-SERIOUSLY-intolerably snack;
And the proof is every picture. Every party thus far I can be seen posing with a mouthful of cheese!

Finger Sandwiches

Delicious bite-sized triangles cut from the finest bread;
Spread with a delicate layer of homemade chicken salad and Kosher egg salad.
The crust removed with care;
Stacked on silver tray and accompanied by an exquisitely brewed cup of tea.
A respectable holiday treat!

December 15th

Fifteen years ago today I started dating the man of my dreams, who would inevitably become my husband and creative partner;
Seven years ago today my gorgeous niece was born, changing my world for the better;
Eighty-One years ago today my grandma was born; providing an instant fan for life and constant source of love and laughter––also the perfect shopping companion.
Today was a beautiful celebration of the many blessings I have in my life.

Vent Before Zen

I’m sitting here in rage, writing this blog instead of getting downward dog on my yoga mat, because I’m unable to let go of a troubling email I’ve just read.

Add to that my obsession for getting things done, and you get this shitty blog post.

Often, my most inspired work is born out of frustration and a nonstop mindset; this entry is an exception to that rule.

I’m literally venting in a public forum in order to release and go find Zen on my mat!

Namaste.

Alabama

Christmas came early for America;
The good, morally and ethically conscious people of Alabama made their voices heard where it counts in this country: the voting booths.
Thank you Alabama!

Traffic To Yoga

Meditation starts in the car;

The mat is just an extension of the road ahead.

Chaos and crazy drivers all around;

My mind is challenged to find Zen.

Exit Booze; Enter Bread

I’ve consumed an adult beverage almost every night since Thanksgiving;

It’s time to take a break from the booze.

Enter bread. (It’s the only comfort I have left.)

Six Word Essay on Christmas Dinner Parties

Decadence; only moments away from diabetes.

Dinner Party

Another holiday season is here;
Friends will gather for delicious food and––thanks to the booze––good cheer;
Days of prepping and cleaning and decorating;
All for one evening where inevitably Allison will drink too much wine, Alice will complain about the music, Mark (Alice’s husband) will offend one of the gay couples, Jeff (my husband) will keep the conversation pleasant, and I will spend most of my time filling up wine glasses whilst simultaneously searching for my Jack & Coke––which I no doubt set down in order to shove more food in my mouth.

Letting Go

My neck is twisted and my back is tight;
Isn’t it obvious I slept on the couch last night?

The silence is loud;
Yesterday, he walked on eggshells and attempted to engage several times;
I am too proud.

It’s not healthy to hold a grudge––and it’s completely out of character for me––but I’m having a hard time letting go.

I know what I should do;
But I don’t want to.

The Aftermath

My raging temper is subsiding exposing the true depth of my sadness;

Emotionally exposed; I sit facing the cause of the storm.

I’m at a loss for words; possibly the first time ever.

I’ll wait for a meaningful shift in the winds before I speak.

The Storm

Violent words fighting for attention;

Through the whipping flames I feel the harsh judgments burn my soul like ambers from the fires that rage outside.

The earth is mad; so am I.

Enough Is Enough

The ego in me challenges everything.

Wanting more—a human condition I’m sure—fuels fires; it also destroys people. 

Idealistic and passionate I sought to follow my dreams and refused to compromise my goals. I set the bar high and tenaciously jumped each hurdle.

Finally, I arrived at an invisible finish line of understanding: you will never be finished.

Now, how do I cope with the ravenous desire to acquire more; achieve more; create more?

The answer is often as stunningly clear as a flawless diamond (as precious, too); Be Present. 

Then, as dark as a deep sea expedition without a working light—I am lost again.

Deep breaths in and out return me to the Now and I remember: when I foucus on what I love; trust in my Faith; release my fear; and create—I will continue to receive opportunities to work and inspire. Just as it has for the past 40 years of my life (24 of them as a professional), the path will guide me.

LA Dream

LA at 5am is a dream:

No traffic;

No assholes;

Just open roads and the silhouette of Palm trees swaying in the soft misty air.

Brunch

Bacon and alcohol are permitted in excess;

Laughter is encouraged, too!

Friends indulging.

Blessed

I sit in my comfy club chair watching my husband cuddle our Shih Tzu, Lily.
The fireplace is ablaze, our tree is lit, and Christmas music plays softly in the background, furnishing a cozy and romantic holiday atmosphere.
I have absolutely no desire to leave this moment and thankfully I don’t have to.
I am blessed.

The OC

We drove for two hours from LA to the OC, ordinarily this would be a fifty-five minute jaunt.
My appointment took less than twenty minutes––now what?
An impromptu adventure!
Window shopping at South Coast Plaza mall; dinner at The Capitol Grill; and a movie––Murder On The Orient––it was a perfect unplanned (but totally present) day.

5 Minute Writing Exercise; The Word Was: Resonate

The hate was intolerable; it snuck into the darkest bowels of my soul––softer than when my younger sister would tiptoe in after missing her curfew.
I travel for a living so I felt the energy building long before my friends in Cali.  I knew the darkness would penetrate the light and take away everything that nearly a decade of change brought forth for my people. All people, fuck––for humanity.
The world buckled down with booze in both hands bracing for the nightmare that we’d have to live with––eyes wide open––for the next four years.
A sexual predator, a liar, a monster; our president; let that resonate.

Filed and Focused; Christmas Miracle

What was formerly beautiful trees in some shinny modernized section of the world, sat in a heap atop our desk;
Four months of bills, invoices, and important notes manifested into a mound of paperwork that was desperate for a file cabinet.
Today, I conquered Mt. Admin;
It took me three hours to sort and file the mess;
The vibrant laminate sparkles like the day we pulled it from the Ikea box,
And we are free to focus all of our energy on creative projects and parties in the month of December!
...now that’s a Christmas miracle.

Oh Pees.

After yoga, hydration is key;
My bladder is always full.
I pee every fifteen minutes;
“It’s only a problem if it’s a problem for you...”
Is the official response from my doctor.
It’s only a problem for me when I can’t find a restroom.
Still, I’ll suffer through he pain and my supply, moist skin appreciates it!

Fireplace

Beautiful dancing flame;
From your violet purple base to the wisps of your burnt orange tips, I’m mesmerized by your twirling silhouette.
Warming my heart with childhood memories;
Warming my feet as I cuddle up with my puppies.

No Sun; No Problem.

After a vigorous morning sculpt class and Sunday meditation, my husband and I arrived at our friends house in Bel-Air––I’m name dropping only because, come on? Bel-Air?! I grew up with the Fresh Prince so just hanging with people who actually live in the indulgent and desirable zip code is like a childhood dream.
We drove down to Marina del Rey ready for a fabulous day at sea.
Overcast and chilly, we stepped aboard the yacht, and immediately started drinking the private reserve wine that was bold and buttery.
Layers of navy, white, and grey with a pop of coral––the perfect accent––for a socked in cruise on the Pacific.
Surrounded by people I love whilst eating mounds of rich cheese and laughing from too much vino; the crisp Cali air and misty salt water swept through our hair.
Just as we hit Malibu, the sun made a cameo––the silver lining was a delightful surprise.
As we made our way back into the harbor, a pod of dolphins danced around the boat and the day was complete.
When you’re sailing with loved ones, it’s impossible not to shine; sun or not, we’re on a yacht!

The Day After...

When you wake up from a five (okay ten) day food-fest and your stomach is roaring, “ENOUGH!”
It’s time to take a step back from the holiday temptations and reintroduce myself to vegetables.
The final warning shot was fired yesterday, whilst during a Black Friday shopping mishap, I popped a button off of a pair of Ted Baker slacks in “my size.”
Needless to say I left the mall without making a single purchase;
So hey, the upside to my weight gain, is that I’m saving my bank account from a weight loss!

Black Friday

The day I step on the scale to see how much I’ve gained in one week;
It’s that time of year, when my waist grows two inches.
Bring on the holidays!

Traditional Thanks

I woke up this morning next to my best friend.
We walked to Starbucks for matching Gingerbread latte’s; a tradition that we’ve had since we meet 15 years ago performing in the Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music Hall.
We returned to cuddle with our puppies on the couch whilst watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
I used to watch the parade with my grandma as a child;
the Broadway performances, marching bands, floats, and of course––New York City.
The parade inspired me to follow my dreams.
Now, as I look back on that tradition––one which sparked my own journey as a performer––I’m overcome with joy and gratitude.
What better way to spend Thanksgiving Day morning––with nostalgic memories from my past––and of course, creating new traditions in my present!

Palm Springs

Bright red lobster skin; do these people know about sunscreen?
Eating dinner at 5pm; in bed by 8!
I love lounging by the pool with a book...and an endless supply of Lava Flows.
I eat too much––because I’m on vacation––so parading in a swimsuit isn’t high on my list; but hey, that’s life.  It’s 120 degrees out here, and I’m letting it all hang out!

Age(d) Cheese

The indulgent, salty, delicious Mexican food I ate last night is screaming at me this morning.
The rich dairy and brilliantly seasoned beef have married in my belly and are sending up violent acid reminders to my burning heart: you are too old to eat like this!

The Things We Do…

I’m up at the crack of dawn;

strike that—the sun’s not even out yet.

I’m mentally preparing to take yoga befor my body is even awake.

Only because I love my husband!

That’s 40...

Kids zipping past me high on candy, donuts, and soda;

Adults swapping conversation whilst shoving a bagel down their mouths simultaneously glancing back and forth at their child—who is high on sugar—and then, “Excuse me…”

Delicious cocktails.

Welcome to a 40th Birthday Brunch in LA.

The Morning Practice

The calm quite energy is welcoming;

I enter the Zen like space with hope, eager to start a fresh new day with peaceful meditation.

Balance and breath vibrate through my body and remind me I’m alive!

Two Puppies

Cuddling on a couch like little dust bunnies;
There’s no distinction where their fur ends and the faux fur throws begin.
I want to snuggle them up all day long.

Master The Moment

I woke up this morning with adrenaline and zest;
Ready to conquer a marathon of meetings, projects, and emails.
Cutting through the haze of 2017;
Mostly I stayed present, but there were times...
None of that matters now, I’m back in action and ready to master the moment!

Morning...

Lying in bed watching the sunrise.
Cozy with my puppies;
Quite and peaceful, I appreciate the beauty of a new day.

Six Word Essay on Rules

Everyone craves boundaries to break free.

Back To La La Land

Fall is beautiful back east;

Golden leaves beneath my feet.

Still, nothing compares to the golden glow and blue skies of Los Angeles.

An evening swim in December is worth sacrificing two seasons.

Fall Gratitude

Burnt orange and red leaves cover the ground leaving a vibrant belt of rust along the path outside;
The smell of smoke permeates the crisp air;
Wrapped in layers of clothing, a beanie, and scarf, we make our way toward the studio;
Once inside, the warmth of dancers in motion fills my soul with gratitude;
I am living my dream.

After A Red Eye...

It’s best not to plan a day of work;

No amount of eye drops will alleviate the burning fire-engine-red dryness;

Caffeine helps jump start the sleepless day, but does nothing for your breath!

Six Word Essay On My Current Mood:

Relentless positive energy despite unidentified doubt.

Lame

Dear American Airlines,
Charging $300 for an airline ticket without a seat assignment, so that you can charge an additional $89 for a middle seat “upgrade” on each of the four legs of my flight is lame.
Sincerely,
A Future Southwest Passanger.

Feel The Burn

Acidy flames force themselves up my chest;
Punishment for the rich, zesty, pasta I enjoyed at the dinner party last night.
I’m sure the Jack & Coke’s didn’t help my situation...

Breathe Through It.

The jackhammer in my head is a product of yoga before caffeine;
Lying on a mat I felt the pain.
Downward dog, the blood flows to my brain, still the pounding continues.
I scan my body and realize I’m tense all over;
Isn’t that the point of yoga?
I wasn’t concentrating enough on my breath.
In through the nose and out through the nose;
I breathe through it.

The Task At Hand

Sometimes you have to push beyond the comfort zone to finish the task;
Motivated and wide-awake I seek to create.
When the language flows naturally, I concentrate on the unforced words and share my story.

Time Changed

The time changed;
I fall for it every year;
I already miss the sun.

Observation:

My Yorkshire Terrier sits and waits for a treat like I stand in line waiting for my morning Starbucks; trying to be patient but...seriously give me the damn coffee already!

Nabucco

Verdi; a master of gorgeous ceremonial chords, pushing religious and political boundaries––and like most artists who’ve endured generations––a visionary ahead of his time.
Plácido Domingo; a passionate performer, with rich texture and strong physical presence––not just a famous tenor, but a true actor.
LA Opera; a breath of fresh air, full of zest and willing to challenge audiences with programs that are both important and beautifully mounted.

Coffee

Dark and rich with a hint of coconut milk and a dash of sugar;
When people ask me how I accomplish so much in one day, I could say that I’m great with balancing my time; I set manageable goals; I wake up early and stay up late; I practice yoga and focus on one task at a time; instead I offer up a simple truth: caffeine!

Hotel Slumber Party

Staying at a hotel is so much more enjoyable when I’m not traveling for work.
Lounging in the room with family and our puppies;
Watching trashy TV and ordering room service;
Sleeping in;
Leaving the beds unmade;
I love it!

Happy Halloween

Children dressed up like little witches, monsters, or their favorite athletes and superheroes;
Young adults dressed up as sexy / hot [Fill In The Blank];
Grown adults dressed up like former presidents or prominent former-leaders-turned-laughing stocks;
Then there are those who phone it in, with a tux and a martini glass a la James Bond––they might as well just buy the T-Shirt that reads, “This is my Halloween Costume.”

Now, Or Never

The time to be present is now. 

Nothing that has happened in the past, or might happen in the future, can replace what is happening now.

The ability to recognize this simple truth has made all the difference on my journey. 

Is That Me, I See?

Staring at my face in the mirror;
The subtle stubble shadows my laugh lines;
When did I evolve into my father?

Enter Zen Through Daily Observations.

Walking through our Zen garden I saw life;
Once neglected and desolate;
Tropical blooms tower over randomly placed stones.
Water and TLC restored Peace.

Wake Up Smiling...

When you wake up in a fabulous mood, even the leaf blowers sound like instruments in a Disney movie.
The chirping sound of birds is the perfect background melody to start my morning rituals;
Even the (usually) annoying toddler––stomping back and forth above––does so with the precision of a bandleader;
Today, is a beautiful day.

Note To Self:

I just spent two hours doing something that should have taken ten minutes;
I need a vacation.

Exhausted

Three alarms,
Two leaf blowers,
A dumptruck and a traffic helicopter;
And I still couldn’t wake up!
My body is exhausted and another hour in bed made all the difference.

Audition

The saying goes, “When it rains it pours.”
Yes, and thank the Universe––and God––too, because 2017 has been a desert wasteland.
The moment I regained my creative conscious, I took action!
It’s one of the challenges of the entertainment industry; you can never know when the next job is coming––but you always have to keep the faith that it will come!

On Set

Walking onto a monstrous soundstage I’m instantly transported back to my childhood fantasies.

The overwhelming, yet familiar space encourages me to stand taller.

The skeleton of the set reminds me of my grandma’s doll house. 

The air is cool and the Hollywood haze fills the scene—they call it atmosphere—it’s a dream.

I pinch myself under a gigantic movie light: stay present. These are the moments that I will undoubtedly look back on when I feel like I’m never going to work again.

Crew, talent, craft service, and a lot of smoke and mirrors; it’s a collaborative process and I’m grateful for the job.

A Fall Sunday

Waking up late;
Coffee and cartoons cuddled on the couch with my puppies;
The sound of football high-fives echo through the neighborhood;
Garage sales;
Brunch;
Window shopping on Ventura Boulevard.
Yoga and church––both bringing me back to the present.
A midday nap by the pool;
I love a fall Sunday!

A Quick Trip To Target

Toilette paper,
Coffee,
Dog treats;
You know...the basics.
I don’t know what’s worse:
That I just used my blog post to make my Target list,
Or, that I can’t remember three items.

It’s An Art

Not giving a fuck.

Grandma taught me to be respectful, to treat people as I hoped to be treated. I agree with that on paper.

My dad taught me to stand up for what’s right; sometimes that means fighting fire with fire. I agree with that in practice.

I’ve found the perfect balance; assessing the circumstances and responding with the precise amount of compassion, power, and truth. 

The key ingredient: not giving a fuck what people think—not everyone’s moral compass works; stay true to you!

Validation

One aspect of my morning ritual involves writing in my journal.
My journaling––born out of a need to hold myself accountable in high school––has developed into a habit over the last twenty years of my life.
At first, the journaling was a way to talk through things with myself before “putting them out there” to the universe.
An angry rant directed toward a friend, whom I really liked but felt betrayed by; my journal was a safe space to share.
Likewise, I was free to set goals, confess sins, and think. I did a lot of thinking, overanalyzing, reading, and of course, making lists.
In time, this freedom ushered a daily routine which has served me well.
Inspiring me to dream bigger, share bigger, and trust.
Looking back on any number of journal entries unlocks a memory from my past. No doubt a useful tool for a writer, I have called on these often dramatic transcripts to relive the agonizing pain or brilliant joy.
This morning I was working through my feelings and cataloging the hints of doubt about the past year.
“Did I do this or that enough...”
“Could I have pushed more here?”
“Have I been present?”
It only took me a few seconds to get back to the present. Simultaneously answering myself and feeling like maybe I have grown this year.
So far, this hasn’t been a year of huge outward strides; yet inside, I feel like I’ve grown more as a person and artist.  I’ve held myself accountable for being present and releasing the need to overachieve.
I’ve found more balance and somehow managed to create more rewarding job opportunities, too.
I finished my journal entry and headed to yoga class feeling reinvigorated and reminded that by remaining present I have an opportunity to prioritize goals, jobs, and my life, so that I can focus on positive action without fear.
After a blissful yoga class, I walked out of the yoga studio to a voice message from production; I booked a job choreographing a TV show next week.
I’m not saying that positive energy will always get you the job; but I’ve noticed that I seem to attract the emotion I put out into the world.  Today, I worked my way thought a negative thought pattern. The moment I was realigned with my perspective, I received validation.

Why I Yoga...

Feeling completely annoyed.
Accepting circumstances that are out of my hands is one of the hardest challenges to my peace of mind.
The ability to let go, release control, and move on;
It’s why I yoga.
I need to hit the mat!

Health Kick

I eat too much;
Therefore I’m fat.
I do yoga;
On a mat.
All the stretching, meditation, and sweat isn’t enough;
My inner peace is currently surrounded by a thick protective layer.
It’s time for a detox: mind, body, soul.

(Another) Technical Rage

Waiting for Safari to load on my 3 year old laptop is like that time in high school, when I first popped in a AOL Online CD into my best friend Leah’s computer.
We sat for 15 minutes enduring the crashing, screeching noise of information and (the end of privacy as we knew it) transmitting into the vast unknown.
My point, why––in the 21st Century––do I still have to wait to get online?
And why is a 3-year-old computer as obsolete as a VCR?

Lazy

Lying in my bed looking at social media;
I’m not sure who is snoring louder––my dogs or my husband.
The crisp air snaps my arm back under the covers;
I should get up and start my day.
Then I remember it’s Sunday.
For a moment I contemplate falling back into my slumber;
But the allure of walking to Starbucks on this perfect fall morning is stronger;
I roll out of bed, throw on a hat, and bully myself into starting the day.

Leave Me Alone.

A bad dream haunted me last night;
Still cranky and unwilling to let go;
I need space!
Leave me alone.

Snooze

Who needs an alarm when you have leaf blowers?
The most annoying sound at 7AM;
I lie in bed, extending my hand in search of the snooze button.

Uncomplicated

Overwhelmed with an empty schedule;
Why do I crave ink all over a calendar?
If I’m not overachieving, am I really succeeding?
Like a dancer falling out of a pirouette, I crave balance.
A deep breath and back to the mat;
Meditation for the mind, body, and soul.
Uncomplicated; life is how we react to it.

Take A Break

Staring at a blank screen;
Absent of words;
I took a break.

Everything Bagel

Crisp outer layer;
Doughy, delicious, center;
Covered in crunchy, salty, burnt morals...
You really are everything to me!

A Moment of Clarity

Waking up without the looming dread; what’s next?
Confident in my path, and present enough to understand that both past and future are never NOW.
Accepting balance and appreciating the magic in the unknown;
My journey continues to reveal itself in bountiful ways beyond my childhood imagination.
Victories and setbacks––which have shaped my life––continue to motivate me and remind me to trust the circumstance that I’m confronted with today; with calm confidence.

Grey

The carpet in my hotel room;
The sky outside my hotel window;
The color of the eggs at the hotel continental breakfast.
Vibrant yellow:
The feeling I have inside remembering that this is my last weekend of travel for a month!

Six Word Essay on Travel

Coffee and a headset; that’s all!

Present; Energy

When the distance of a goal or dream feels impossibly far;
I’m reminded of the power that can be harnessed from the present.
Every tremendous victory that I’ve accomplished in my life––both personally and professionally––happened when I least expected it.
The moment I released expectation and accepted what is.

Timeline

Seeking joy in the details of today.
Tomorrow offers false expectations and hopes;
Yesterday provides unfair comparisons;
The present offers all there is––good or bad––and the opportunity to triumph.

Meetings

The promise of something big;
Whilst drinking expensive coffee and laughing at each other’s jokes.
Every opportunity starts the same way:
Twenty minutes talking about the weather, kids, and current events;
And then––a five minute pitch.
Check please.
You hope you made an impact.

I Need Meditation

My mind is too tired for words.
Struggling to silence the noise;
Ready for my yoga mat.

Sad and Senseless.

In one sweeping action––from the safety of a hotel room 32 stories above––a solo gunman robbed innocent men, women, and children of their lives.
No doubt an act of homegrown terror; whether over race, religion, or perhaps he was just a very sick person.
Regardless, his access to a deadly weapon––one that so easily showered hundreds of unknowing and guiltless humans with death and injury––should have been prevented.
We have to unite as Americans and stand up for better gun control.
And while we’re at it, we need to do more to help the millions of people who suffer from mental illness.

The Creative Vibrations

What often feels like a holding pattern is––on a deeper level––an opportunity to evolve;
Walking a tightrope between overachieving and slacking off;
Giving myself the space to breathe and trust.
My need to push and fight––validated at some point during my childhood––has inspired me to reach for the impossible, and achieve my goals.
The million dollar question, “Would I have ended up in the same place had I not fought with all of my force?”
That’s what I’m exploring, NOW.  Finding the present in 2017;
It’s been exhausting.
It requires Faith.
Breath.
Balance.
Mediation.
And letting go;
I have to allow time for the things that I’ve worked so long and hard for, to find their creative vibration and lead me to my next endeavor.
I’m not treading water, I’m sailing with the current towards my dreams.

Track Wheel

The bright colorful rainbow track wheel spins my mind with rage;
There isn’t a breath deep enough to endure a technological breakdown.
I don’t care what “doctors say”, and Apple a day just leads to frustration.

The Path to Presence

When the day doesn’t start off the way you planned, let go of the plan and follow the path in front of you—that’s how being present works. 

These Little Things.

Adding everything up in your mind;
Lost in the deepest cave of thought;
Seeking answers that will only be discovered when the time is necessary.
Demanding resolution––but acknowledging that the end is just the beginning.
These little things feel so much bigger now; but they won’t in time.

Remembering Why I Create...

Taking a moment to appreciate the past four months;
The chaos which lead to overwhelming and stressful situations;
Stifled creativity and quick to agitation;
Feeling uninspired and questioning my path.
Then––a deep breath and a flicker of presence.
A charge of motivation; I took action.
The work wasn’t brilliant––but necessary.
Throughout the darkness, I continued to search for light.
Radiating beyond the thick haze of frustration and fear––I found my voice, again.
I was fortunate to spend last week setting a new piece of choreography on the dancers at Slippery Rock University.
Their exuberant idealism and energy recharged my soul giving me the opportunity to release my thoughts and emotions on a canvas of talented artists.
The brought my journey, my choreography, to life.

I’m A Proud American; and I Kneel in Support.

I’m disappointed that I would be labeled “unpatriotic” because I believe in standing up for every American––and their right to exercise the First Amendment.
Meanwhile, many of the people who support a president who dodged serving in the military and continues to do business with countries who would love to see our freedom destroyed, will preach that people should just “do their job.”
What if someone was going to take away your Second Amendment right, would you still demand that people remain silent?

My Truth Today…

Once you give yourself permission to release perfection, everything is possible.

I’ve discovered the answers to most of my challenges are resolved when I look for the solution, rather than focusing on the problem.

Coffee, Carbs, and Choreography.

With enough caffeine and carbohydrates, I can choreograph a full length piece of work; its a good thing, too, because I have five hours to complete my next project!

The Dream

I get to tell stories; my childhood dream has manifested into a career.

Dance runs in my veins.

I used to choreograph in grocery stores; now I set work on professional companies.

I’m living proof that passion, dedication, and determination will always lead to opportunities.

Pilates Chair

Definitely a torture device;
My body feels stronger just looking at the evil machine.
My ass burns with every step up––no doubt punishment for the extra Ranch dressing I ordered last night.
I may not like the extreme excessive, but I know it’s enhancing my posture and personality (when I look good, I’m sassy!)

Pittsburgh

Always under construction when I visit;
The perfect metaphor for my life.
True happiness is working in a city where your best friend lives;
Falling asleep mid-sentence, on a couch in their studio (their house is under construction), after a 10 hour day of traveling.
I’m up and ready to start choreographing!

Body Challenged

I just competed 21 yoga classes in 19 days;
I’m a sucker for a competition.
One can never spend too much time working on their mental, physical, or emotional health; but perhaps posting a leader board––with everyones class attendance––was a good thing, might want to revisit the whole, “Zen” thing.
Still, if a competition exists, you better believe I’m up for the challenge.
Too bad my body isn’t!
I need a day of hot water and bath salts.
My body is wrecked.

Emmys

Movie stars winning television trophies;
Trump wanted an Emmy®, Alec Baldwin wins playing Trump;
Childhood dreams fulfilled;
I’m not in the room yet, but I’m a member of the club.

Addicted

The aroma of coffee floats through my house;
I can almost see the cartoon-like waves of steam and rich caffeinated goodness.
The enticing bean is the only reason I’m able to coax myself out of bed; and away from my cuddling puppies.
I’m an addict.

Six Word Essay on Yoga Sculpt

Pushing past exertion; I mindfully evolve.

Let It Go.

When you wake up in a shitty mood and you want to yell at the world; don’t.
Simply channel your tools: breathe, smile, and binge eat a breakfast burrito from your favorite morning restaurant...

Wait; Lobby

I sit in a chair waiting;

The anxiety of a doctors office never dissipates.

So basically all of the self discovery books that I’ve studied, meditated over, and applied to my life are wasted on a moment like this.

It’s a simple procedure—I keep telling myself this—yet I can’t shake the fear of the unknown.

I return to the breath; it’s shallow—like my ego—I’ve got more work to do.

It’s remarkable what we learn about ourselves in a hospital waiting room.

Liquid

Like some Hollywood actress prepping for her appearance on the red carpet before the OSCARS;
I’m forced to drink my food today.
Juices, broths, and supplement drinks; delicious!
Maybe sarcasm will help me through my “cleanse.”
And by cleanse, I mean preparation for a medical procedure.
Welcome to adulthood.

Validation

Sitting in a room full of creative, talented, peers;
I shared my work with total fearlessness.
The response was overwhelmingly positive.
In one instant, my years of training, struggle, tenacity was validated in the most honest and important way; a confirmation of what I’ve always believed in my heart––and why I’ve never given up.
I was reminded that I am an artist and I create because I’m meant to.
And even if only for another day, week, month, year––it was the encouragement I needed to keep on going.

Stronger Together

We were a country divided until this day sixteen years ago;
Four airplanes––carrying unsuspecting passengers of every race, faith, political and socioeconomic background––penetrated landmarks in our country.
We came together to help those who lost, love those who were afraid, and support the heroes who served.
The pain, confusion, fear, and anger of that devastating day, when American soil faced the stain of global terrorism, has not escaped our memory;
But our hearts and minds have been hardened again as a country.
Now is not a time to allow powerful people to manipulate our present, because of our past;  we must stand together––again––with compassion, love, Faith, acceptance, and equality.
We are stronger together; UNITY.
#WeRemember

Sunday

I went to church: soul.
I went to yoga: mind, body, soul.
I went to Starbucks: LIFE!

Wake Up!

The deeply implanted linen line marking my cheek is a quick giveaway;
I slept in this morning.
I skipped my daily rituals and I’m rushing to yoga;
Where I’ll probably go back to sleep on my mat.

Healing Waters...

My unconscious self tried so hard to be sad and depressed yesterday;
“If I feel tortured and angry, then I won’t feel guilty about living so far away from my family.”
I woke up next to my pool with the sun on my face;
The gentle breeze reminded me that the present moment doesn’t require judgement.  I smiled and focused on the beautiful week I spent with my sister and niece, and then jumped into the pool.

Saying Goodbye; Focus on the Positive!

The hour has arrived, my sister and niece have to return to their “real” lives.
Twenty years ago––when I ventured out on my own to pursue my dreams––I had the startling realization that I was embarking on a path that would keep me away from my family, more that it would allow me time with them.
That choice has been something I’ve struggled with immeasurable times; holidays, family gatherings, graduations, the loss of loved ones––the sacrifice is real.
Thankfully, just under ten years ago, I found a new approach to my time away.  It was just after my grandpa passed; before he died he explained how proud he was of me, he offered me this, “Don’t be sad, Matt––this is a part of life.  You’re doing wonderful things, go and live your life.”
On his deathbed, grandpa gave me the permission to continue to follow my dreams, and the tools to find joy in every moment.
Yoga helped me with the next monumental discovery:
The present moment is all we have.
So, I’ve spent the past 10 years (trying––and more often than not succeeding) finding the positive in every circumstance.
My sister and niece’s visit was a brilliant week of laughter, love, creativity, and bonding.
The beach (twice!), Disneyland, getting my niece’s ears pierced, trips to the mall, the Farmer’s Market, visiting with childhood friends, eating at delicious restaurants, and Griffith Park Observatory were just a few of the adventures we shared.
But my favorite moments were swimming in our swimming pool––watching Jeff teach Kellyn how to swim; or sitting with my niece in the living room and helping her with her homework––she’s so bright; or cuddling on the couch and hearing my niece’s beautiful joyous laughter––I appreciate animated movies in a new way, now; watching my sister swim in the ocean––she looked so peaceful and free, it reminded me of watching her as a child, I love her so much; and my favorite moment: watching my sister as a mommy––patience, love, encouragement, humor, wisdom, confidence... my niece is in perfect hands.
It’s hard to believe that two years ago my sister was stuck in a hospital bed re-learning how to talk, eat, and walk.
I feel so blessed for this visit, and while saying goodbye is so brutal, I’m happy that I got to say hello.  I will hold onto the positive memories while I’m dropping them off at the airport today, and for the rest of my life!

The Day After

My body aches all over;
My belly is full of junk;
My wallet is empty;
My camera is full;
My niece and sister are happy;
My inner child is crying because it’s over;
My inner adult is laughing because we had a blast but I need a full day to recover:
#Disneyland!

Disneyland

No matter what age, I challenge a person not to have fun at Disneyland.
Okay, I’m sure it can be done...but why on earth would you allow yourself to be in a bad mood at the Happiest Place on Earth?
My sister turns 37 years old today, and I’m so grateful that I get to spend the day with her, my niece, and my husband.
My sister has endured and conquered so many obstacles in her life; from cancer to a coma and everything in between, and she’s alive and well.
Even at 5 a.m. I’m smiling from ear to ear, because we’re about to embark on a day of laughter, junk food, rides...and of course, a lot of princess pictures with my 6 year old niece!  *Hopefully some of the Disney princesses will pose with her, too.

Da, Da, Da, Da, Da... I'm NOT Loving It.

Last night, after a fabulous birthday party in Hancock Park, we stopped at a McDonald's for my niece;
Even after a massive spread including: popcorn, chips, dips, pizzas, salads, cookies, caramels, chocolates, cupcakes, candy, and a second round of pizza... my 6 year old niece was still hungry.
Apparently so was I!
I ordered the Number 2 (two cheeseburgers, large fries, and a coke) AND I added a four piece chicken McNuggets––because ya know, why not?
It's the exact meal I ate in high school. Everyday.
And I wondered why I had a weight issue.

Six Word Essay On Swimming with my Niece:

A fearless fish with fast feet.

Meditate On This:

“Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn’t disappeared. It’s still there on the other side of the clouds.”  ––Eckhart Tolle

I love waking up in the mornings and reading self-discovery books.  I’ve read so many personal growth books that I should be a Zen Master; yet here I sit, questioning my path.
I close my eyes and deepen my breath.  That feeling in my stomach isn’t gas––okay it might be, because my family is in town and we’ve been eating a lot of rich meals––still I understand that the knot in my stomach is from conflict.
This morning, while reading the “Power of Now” I came across that simple reminder above.  I smiled and let go of all the noise in my mind.
My sister and niece are in town for a short time; all the drama and lists, and goals, and work, and worry can wait; I’m going to meditate and enjoy my day!

Life's A Beach

I spent the day at the beach in Malibu yesterday.
Sandcastles, swimming, seashell collecting, and too much sun with my niece, sister, and husband.
Watching my 6 year old niece discover sand crabs for the first time reminded me of my sister and me growing up––we would collect the sea creatures and keep them in a plastic aquarium that my dad bought us from a pet store.
Looking back I can see how inhuman it was to bring those little crabs back to our house––we thought that the ocean water and seaweed we gathered in the tank would sustain their lives––of course, we were wrong.
Fortunately, my sister and I learned our lesson and taught Kelly (my niece) that it’s better to observe the lives of all animals in their natural habitat.
She watched the crabs burrow back into the sand and picked up her bucket and started building a sandcastle.
That’s the beauty of childhood, you can let go of something and move onto the next activity without much thought or emotion; just let go.
It was so wonderful to watch my sister and niece enjoy the ocean together; the healing energy of the waves and the invigorating rays from the sun lead to a family bonding moment.

Journaling

My deepest thoughts, plans, intimate emotions, and obstacles shared in a book that (hopefully) no one will read.
It’s the total escape from reason; pure free flowing energy, which helps me stay focused and present.
Not just for teenaged drama queens (although I was that, too), journaling is my therapy.

Pierced

My sister, Shiree, and my niece, Kellyn arrived in LA yesterday marking a week long celebration of my sister’s birthday.
In honor of the visit, Shiree decided to surprise Kellyn with a trip to the mall; Claire’s to be exact.
Anyone who has a daughter or grew up gay in the 90′s knows that Claire’s is the place for ear piercing.
When Kellyn found out why she was there, she jumped with joy and then her face washed with fear.  “Is it going to hurt?” She asked concerned.
I promised it wouldn’t hurt worse than a shot... that seemed to satisfy her trepidation.
Once she picked out her earrings, she sat in the chair, the Claire’s “piercing experts” cleaned her ears and made a dot with a marker to ensure perfect placement.
While my sister held the iPhone to capture the momentous event, I held my nieces hand and Uncle Jeff kept Kellyn distracted with positive dialogue.
The Claire’s “piercing experts” conversed privately, deciding to pierce on count 2 (not three), and then they counted down.
1, 2, punch!
Kellyn didn’t even realize they’d pierced her ears.
I said, “It’s all done.”
She smiled and said, “It’s over?”
When we returned home, we couldn’t find Kellyn.  I quietly snuck up on her gazing at her reflection––and newly pierced sparkling ears––in the guest bedroom mirror.
Mission accomplished!

All In The Family

My sister and niece arrive today;
Disneyland, pool parties, and coloring books galore!
Growing up my sister was my best friend (minus a few troubled high school years), and I’m so grateful that we continue to cultivate our relationship.
She’s the strongest person I know; fighting through cancer, a coma, and questionable haircuts...
I’m excited for a week of laughter, eating too much, and movie-night slumber parties in our living room.

Happiness Hangover

It’s nice to wake up with a smile on my face.
Last night I was in a room surrounded by my peers;
Talented, creative, loving, loud, obnoxious (in a magnificent way), and supportive.
Who says dancers are bitchy?
Oh, right... me in my 20′s.
Thankfully, people grow up.
I’m honored to be a working artists.

That's A Wrap!

My summer tour has come to an end. 

All of the complaining about airports, sleepless nights in uncomfortable hotel beds, and borderline diabetic food options (without a trace of leafy greens) will come to an end.

What will I complained about now?

Good question;

Most likely I'll moan about my dwindling bank account, because as much as I loath 14 hour days on the road—my pockets really appreciate the jingle.

For now, I'll find bliss on my butt, binge-watching Netflix while detoxing on lettuce, apples, and water with lemon.

After a week of irresponsible bum-like behavior I'm confident that my Type-A personality will demand that I motivate and make things happen.

That's the trouble when you're an overachiever; it's impossible to stop pushing.

So I'll find my Zen in yoga, and start the whole process again.

The Evolution of Me

Constantly pushing beyond the breaking point; I aspire to do better.
Born from a desire to achieve greatness––before I understood what that really meant––I bullied myself to be perfect.
Eventually learning (and accepting) that magic is harnessed through imperfection; I refocused my approach.
Perspective is everything.
My journey has enabled me to evolve as a person and artist; grounded, confident, and fearlessly manifesting my dreams.
Still coaxing myself to reinvent my life––not out of fear––but of desire, to depart from this world as the best version of “me” I can be.

Coffee Stop

Waiting in line for coffee at the Burbank airport;

Hipsters, business people, parents, and flight crew—all twitching like the addicts we are.

The java flow fuels my soul;

And yes, maybe I have a problem, but so do they! (And that gives me comfort.)

Keep Going...

In the deepest region of my soul, burning questions motivate my journey;
I continue to extract answers through my creative work.
In what I haven’t yet achieved, I find the response I’m looking for:
Keep going.

Pool Side

Lounging with friends by a pool;
We laughed, while enjoying sparkling rosé and grapes.
Just like the ancient Roman’s––minus the corruption, brutality, and servants fanning us with giant leaves.

Finding My Swagger

I was preparing for an audition yesterday;
I started to get in my head about my technique and performance, and then I remembered to trust my training and just have fun.
When I let go of the idea of what I thought I needed to be for the part, I found who I am in the part; finding my swagger in the freedom of a character.
It’s the entire reason I started acting in the first place, but as I grew older––and experienced more circumstances––I lost track of my fearless approach.
Whether I book the role or not is less important to me, than the self-discovery I remembered yesterday.
I’m craving more opportunities to create as a performer; time to start shooting content again!

A New Day

The anticipation of a new day;
Everything is possible.
In the early morning hours I spend my time in mediation––clearing my head (and heart) of the past––preparing for the present.
Mindfully, I work to release the energy of things that no longer serve me;
Faithfully, I breathe in the sliver of light that cracks on the horizon.
A fresh start.
A chance to reawaken my dream.

Balance

Lounging by the pool;

Not reading my work.

Slacking off feels like a giant FUCK YOU to my controlling nature.

#Balance

Tiny Airport

Similar to a tiny house;

Only instead of life sized cars parked in the drive way out front, we board miniature airplanes.

#LifeOnTour

Trust

Standing at the edge looking up.
When I jumped;
I flew.
It was a simple act of faith that allowed me to reach new heights.

Finish Line

The finish line is within my sights;
My adrenaline spikes giving me the extra push I need.
Creativity and excitement surround my body carrying toward the goal.
With every race I grow stronger; mentally, emotionally, physically––and most important (to me)––creatively.
The journey; climbing hills, pacing myself around corners, releasing the obstacles––it’s all been worth it.
It’s not about finishing, it’s about evolving.
But the end looks very appetizing.

Six Word Essay on Sleeping In

My body needed the extra love.

Thunderstorms

Dark angry clouds move towards our car like a semi truck that has lost control on a highway;
The rain punishes the earth as we glide across the road.
Then, without warning, the sky opens to a bright-blue-Hemsworth;
The sunshine radiates the green fields; all is well.
Reminding me again, that no storm lasts forever.

Blessed

I’m lying in bed in Iowa;
I woke up to birds chirping and remembered that––although I’m not at home––I get to spend my week doing something I love.
I’m dancing and choreographing alongside one of my closest and oldest friends;
We’ve grown together as artists and people and we still find new opportunities to push ourselves and our relationship.
So while I’m suffering from exhaustion––thanks to six weeks on the road––I’m so grateful that the end of my summer touring schedule ends with a solid creative endeavor... and a lot of laughs!

Airport

Lines everywhere;

Hurried passengers zipping around on carts;

Impatient parents and cranky kids;

Bitter flight attendants;

Uncomfortable chairs and a lack of electrical outlets, add to the stress of travel.

Life On Tour; Pool Day

After a week of choreographing and dancing (full out and over the age of 30), I’m taking a pool day.
Fun in the sun, the floating lounge chair is my new dance partner.

Coffee Is My Warmup

As a young dancer my body was always ready to jump, pirouette, and jazz walk across the floor;

Now that I'm old, I need to do a few stretches, just to get out of bed!

I find that the most effective warmup—for me—is black coffee.

I'm joking of course, but not really.

Note To Self: Trust

When I seek light, I can see.
It’s that simple.

Still Got It

In this moment, my dream is still very much alive;
I’m motivated to create and crush!

The Intolerance

Salty and creamy;
My heart melts like the cheddar I’m not supposed to eat;
It’s too delicious to pass up;
Too bad for me, I’ll be sick all night.
Totally worth it.

Life On Tour; Choreography

The story unfolds spontaneously when I turn the music up;
The bass kicks in and leads my soul, while the lyrics simultaneously instruct my body to turn, leap, and transition across the floor.
In the studio, everything makes sense.

It's Happening

Life happens; the good, the not-so-good, and everything in between.

When I let go of the fear and trust;

I received a delightful surprise.

The Moment I Let Go Of It...

Was the moment I got more than I could ever imagine.
Yesterday was a life changing moment for me and my family;
We spend so much time obsessing about “how” and “when”, we forget to trust in the present.
Over the past six months I’ve been slowly releasing my hold on one specific life-long dream, and the second I moved beyond the fear, the dream manifested in a direction I never saw coming.
God, The Universe, the present––always provides.
I’ve noticed that once I accept what is, I find a trail to what can be;
I’m ready for the next chapter in my life; literally and figuratively.
Let’s do this!

Bonus

Yesterday the barista at Starbucks accidentally made two of my speciality drinks: a grande caramel macchiato with soy milk in a venti with extra ice, and because there was no one else in the store that desired decadent-soybased-drink, (and rather than throwing it out) she gave it to me.
Naturally, I took it home and popped it into the refrigerator, where it sat waiting for me to consume it until today!
How lucky to have a Starbucks crafted drink ready to greet my day at home.

Don't Dream It's Over...

I woke up this morning still believing I was in the dream;
I’m sad I had to wake up, I was accepting an Emmy for my stellar work as a choreographer.
It was hard to accept that it was just a dream, but I’m happy to know that my dream is still alive––even if it’s while I’m sleeping––and more importantly, that I continue to follow my passion.

Lazy Dog

My yorkie Ginger is a lazy dog;
She spends her day walking from the couch, to my lap, to her bed, to our bed, and back to my lap––taking very few steps in between.
The only time she’ll get excited is when the word “cookie” is mentioned;
She jumps four feet off the ground, gobbles the delightful dog treat, and jumps back into my lap––snoring within two minutes.
Why can’t I have that life?

Tree Trimming...

I always think an overgrown tree looks beautiful and full of life;
Until the green leafy branches are trimmed back––revealing an even more gorgeous view of the Hollywood Hills––then I am reminded that everything looks better when we cut back...