A Good Review...

I spend my life trying to create projects that others will enjoy- as an escape, release or just for a good laugh...
There is nothing more wonderful than the validation from a random stranger.
I know that you're not supposed to give much attention to a review... good or bad, because the work alone should be enough... and I can honestly say it always is!
Nevertheless, I'm grateful when someone takes notice of my creative efforts! In this case the awesome website TheFrisky.com
re-posted a parody of "The Real Housewives of New York" that I created with my talented friends... and I got a special glowing review! Check it out and if you haven't already... take a look at the parody too:
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-real-housewives-of-new-york-city-parody/

I LOVE Hollywood

The thing about Hollywood is- all the things you see in the movies really do happen.
It's strange. But somehow, even the most outlandish stories have a way of manifesting!
For example, I never thought I'd find myself being invited to hang out at a gorgeous compound in Palm Springs over Memorial Weekend and get to sleep in one of the guest houses that Dean Martin slept in...
and yet I'm writing this while lounging poolside!
I have friends in other parts of the country who think that it's like this everyday for people that live in Hollywood... I always laugh and assure them it's not...
But I guess I finally realized...
It kind of is!
And I'm grateful for every crazy adventure I've been lucky enough to enjoy!

Viva Las Vegas!

I'm in Las Vegas for a quick gig and I had a few hours to kill last night on the Vegas Strip...
While I was out walking I noticed that almost every guy in Las Vegas either looks extremely gay or like a wife beater... And all the girls are either overweight with a hot face or skinny with huge boobs?! What's even crazier is that it all turns me on a little bit...
Viva Las Vegas!

Will Summer Please Stay Put?

I have to admit I'm over this Summer sun tease...

It's been a strange weather year all around for those of us who live in Los Angeles-

One day violent rain and wind, the next day the sun is out with nothing but blue skies...

Then of course there's "June Gloom." I think the name says it all... Los Angeles usually gets to enjoy a sunny April and May and then with June we get the gray!

But this year, almost every other day has been gray!!

I'm over it! I want to wake up everyday and know that I'm going to be hot and sweaty! I want to know that the sun is going to bake my skin to a golden perfection! I want to wear shorts until 11 pm! I'm sick and tired of freezing in LA!

Will the Summer sun please stay put!

Oh My Face!

Puffy, pudgy, bloated, swollen.

Itchy, red, inflated eyes.

Sheet marks running across my cheeks-

...lets just say I'm glad the crazy week is winding down!

I don't think my face can take another all-nighter.

The Parody of The Real Housewives of New York City

Without further ado I'm pleased to present: The Real Housewives of New York City Parody-

Please note: due to the ratio of the YouTube player and your computer screen, you may not be

able to see the full view of this video. Please click the link above to watch in full screen via YouTube.

Disappointment...

Disappointment ensues...
This is the second day I didn't write my blog in time!
I can make a million excuses and mention that I was running back and forth between rehearsals for two different shows I'm directing...
However, I'm upset in myself for dropping the ball! We all have the same twenty-four hours in a day, and I didn't use mine properly.
Never fear! I will make up for it in tomorrows blog!

Mondays

It doesn't matter who you are or how long you've lived through them...
Mondays are almost always a drag!
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to be alive-
I just have such a hard time starting my week.
I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that when we were kids, Mondays meant going back to school.
Nevertheless, Monday is here and I'm already so far behind on my week!
Oh well, it's almost nine o'clock and I'm ready for a drink!
Bring on the wine... I'll worry about today tomorrow!

Six Word Essay on Dinner Parties...

Overeating Mexican food gives you gas!

The Real Housewives of New York City...

Well, I made it through stand up and I made it through the shoot of The Real Housewives of New York City parody!

Now I'm off to sit in a theatre all day- let's just hope I can stay awake!

Here's a sneak peak of the character I play, Jill Zarin:

Wow!

Well, I made it through my stand up return... and I must admit after nearly four years on hiatus- I'm happy with the job I did! Most important I had a blast on stage and felt right at home! That, and nobody booed me off- so that's a good sign.

I'm on a performance high and writing today's blog really early! I can't sleep. Which is too bad, because I have to get up tomorrow for my next creative venture!

It's a busy week, but that's how I like it!

I'm eager to share this next project I'm working on... I'm co-producing and acting in a parody of The Real Housewives of New York City! That's all I will say for now...

I've got to force myself to get some sleep. I've got a full weekend, and I want to be able to enjoy as much of it as possible!

I know that this is probably the lamest blog entry to date- But I can only be funny, cleaver, smart or insightful for a certain amount of time each day. Since stand up sucked the life out of me yesterday and I've got a fourteen hour shoot today I hope you will all understand.

...and by "all"- I mean you mom!

Tonight's The Night!

Well, tonight's the big night...

My official return to the stand up stage in LA! I'm excited and nervous all at the same time, it's like the first time I had sex, only I don't know how this is going to end!

I'm actually really looking forward to it! Though I haven't done as much prep work as I might have done in the past, I think this new found approach just might work- plus I think I have a few funny stories that should make people laugh.

In the end, for me- it's really just about getting up and putting myself out there! I know that this is going to sound super lame and cheesy- But my whole life, I've enjoyed performing and making people laugh. It's what I've spent all of my energy and almost everyday pursuing, so no matter what, I'm grateful that I live in LA and I continue to live my dream.

Wish me luck! ...I'll let you know how it goes!

Life Flies On!

Yesterday while sitting at Starbucks working on my stand up material, and allowing myself to get all worked up about nothing...
I saw two baby birds on the ground behind a big flower pot planter. It was clear that their nest had been damaged, possibly from the unseasonable rain we had-
One of the baby birds was dead, its sibling was alive and frightened.
I felt so sad and helpless.
After a few minutes a larger bird flew in and I thought it was going to attack-
Instead, I realized it was the "momma" bird- and she was trying to feed her soul surviving off spring.
The "momma" bird flew away after a few minutes leaving the little bird to stand guard-
I continued to watch, wishing that there was something I could do.
After thirty or so minutes, the remaining baby bird stretched out its wings and attempted to fly up to the four foot planter that its mother stood watch on. Several failed flight endeavors finally lead to success!
Momma and surviving bird flew off leaving their fallen family member behind-
Sad.
But life moves on-

An Apple A Day...

An apple a day isn't always a good thing!
Let me explain...
I'm sitting at the Apple Store... Again!
I LOVE my iPhone! When it works...
Don't even get me started on AT&T- The Worlds Worst Phone Company!
The iPhone is such an amazing device-
It thinks for me, it remembers everything for me, it even does my laundry...
But when one little thing goes wrong- my universe stops completely!
...and lately- that has been happening too often!
So I beg you Apple- stop trying to reinvent the wheel...
And just perfect the one we have!

Chaos or Creation...

With chaos comes creation...

Or at least that's what I'm telling myself today!

It's funny, I'm the type of person who says "yes" to as many projects and activities as possible.

Because if I've learned one thing in this industry, it's the truth:

When it rains it pours! ...and when there's a drought- you can't get a job to save your life.

So I strive to live in a constant downpour- My thought, continue creating energy and the energy will continue to flow in your direction...

This week is no exception! I'm not going to lie, I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

This is the week I make my re-entrance into the wonderful world of Stand Up comedy!

My show is at Room 5 in Hollywood May 20, 2010 at 9:30 PM!

If the stress of being funny for seven minutes alone on a stage wasn't enough... I'm also co-producing a video parody of The Real Housewives of New York City, and I'm still directing the musical Mamma Mia!

I guess I've learned to really be great at juggling activities and I try to bring my "A" game with me to each of the arenas I'm tackling... There are times when I fall flat, or the project doesn't turn out the way I'd hoped. Nevertheless, more often than not, I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I've made another step in the right direction.

Let's just hope that when I arrive at my final destination, I'll be able to look back and have a reservoir of wild adventures, wonderful memories and creations that stand on their own!

Wine Tasting...

Wine tasting;

Hours of laughter and swirling,

Pairing with delicious cheese and chocolates-

Intoxicated conversation afterwards;

Everybody is lit,

Loving the atmosphere-

Head splitting with pain;

The entire body aches,

Maybe we had too much fun last night-

Remember When...

...Twenty-five dollars seemed like a nice chunk of change?

I just dropped twenty-five dollars on a small bottle of laundry soap (on special) a four pack of Target brand toilet paper and a three pack of Target paper towels!

I miss the good ol' days when $25.oo meant a fun night out at the movies, or a dinner for two, or a tank of gas, or four bottles of drinkable alcohol...

Wow. I sound like my father... I totally get it now! I'm not sure if it's because of the recession, or I'm just cheap- but I miss the lavish lifestyle! You know, when I could blow twenty-five bucks on a days worth of coffee at Starbucks!

Sunset Boulevard Gets a Facelift!

My sleep for the past week has been ripped away from me every night because of the "beautification" project on the Sunset Strip!

I don't know who's responsible nor do I care! All I know is that someone thought that the entire stretch of Sunset Boulevard from Crescent Heights to Doheny needed a facelift...

After all, it is LA and no one or nothing can look like it's over sixteen years old!

It's too bad- part of their "beautification" meant tearing out forty year old trees! Not too mention the strain it's putting on all of the business that are already struggling to get people in during this economic hardship...

But the true crime (lack of sleep aside) is the parking lot formerly known as Sunset Boulevard! Don't even think about using it as a street- The traffic is backed up from sun up until sun down every day... And guess what? This project will not be done until August 2010!

Guess who else is going to need a facelift after this "beautification" project is done?!?

Chain Food Hangover...

So now I totally remember why I try not to eat out at chain restaurants too much!

I'm left with the worst hangover- Literally, my belly is hanging over my pants!

I think that's going in my stand up act!

Uuuhhhggg, I have to go to the gym now and get on the treadmill! I might not get off until next week...

The truth is: those "casual dinning" restaurants just give you way too much food. All of it is over salted (to taste incredible) and no matter how full you are at the end of your meal...

the picture of that damn mile high chocolate cake with hot fudge and ice cream is always right in front of your face! So you have to order it, and it every last bit!

I'm on a food detox!

Just say no to chain restaurants!

...until next month when I forget about the nasty feeling and 'am lured back yet again!

Chili's!!!

I know, I know... no one likes to admit that they eat at chain restaurants!

It's like admitting that you think Ryan Seacrest is actually pretty good at what he does...

But who cares? I think there is a time and place for everything...

And tonight at 7 pm the place to be is the Chili's Bar and Grill in Encino, CA!!!

I have a group of friends who are all funny, smart and sophisticated-

...and we LOVE to meet at Chili's and overeat!

After all, it's an American pass time!

Plus, the have awesome meal deals, and let's not forget we're still in a recession!

So stop judging, and support a local chain restaurant today.

Everyone is doing it!

Expert Shaver...

I never imagined just how much I'd hate having to shave...

I remember spending summers with my grandparents in Colorado-

I used to love waking up early with Gram and Gramps! They'd fix me a cup of "coffee" which had several heaping teaspoons of sugar, a ton of milk and a splash of Foglers coffee...

I'd sit at the table watching them read the morning news paper and laugh over the comic section, and then it would be time for them to get ready for the day.

I relished in the opportunity to watch them transform into Gram and Gramps! My grandma would sit in her dressing gown at the custom vanity she had built in the bathroom and begin to "put on her face" as she would tell me stories from when she was a kid. As she steadily worked from one side of the face to the other, applying just the right amount of blush that only years of experience can afford- my grandpa would stand at the sink next to her and shave...

(This was my favorite part!) I was fascinated with his expertise. In less than ten minutes he could wash his face, brush on a perfectly even coat of shaving cream and with a precise and swift flick of the blade, his beard would magically disappear! I was in awe...

When it became time for me to start shaving, I remember numerous attempts at copying my grandpas choreographed routine- always to no avail. I would end up looking like my face got into a fight with a box of razor blades... As time passed, I became more successful at removing the stubble with fewer amounts of blood. Still, I was no expert!

Now, I'm thirty-two years old, and I continue to question when I'm going to master the art of shaving like my grandpa did? Yes, I've been able to trim the time it takes to shave down to an impressive ten minutes- however, I still can't seem to achieve the results my grandpa was able to accomplish! I always end up with an ingrown hair, a nick or an entire patch of unshaven stubble on the underside of my chin...

I know I'll never achieve the level of wisdom that my Gramps possessed! He was my hero!

...I just hope that one day, when I'm shaving in front of my grandchildren, I will be able to impress them as he impressed me... Without the blood!

Sit Down Comedy...

I'm currently in the process of writing my new stand-up act...

For various reasons (that I have mentioned in several past blog post, but I'm to lazy to go back and look them up and link them here...) I stopped doing stand-up a few years back.

However, just recently- I realized I still have a lot to say, to a lot of people. Things I need to get off my chest, and I find that my ranting and raging comes off as funny in a room full of strangers...

...not at all crazy (which is probably a little closer to the truth than I care to admit.)

Anyway, while I was sitting on my couch working on my act, I started to laugh out loud at one of my favorite new stories (I like to tell funny stories, less one liners...) and for no reason at all I started thinking about why comedians feel the need to stand up while they deliver their act...

Would comedy be just as funny if the comedians performed: Sit-down?

Irrational!

I know I'm acting like a three year old...
I know it's completely self-centered...
I know I'm irrational...
I know that there are starving children not getting adopted by Angelina Jolie somewhere...
I know it's Mother's Day, and it's not about me anymore...
I know ALL of that!

And still I'm incredibly pissed and in such a bad mood today!
I know that it's ninety percent because of the fact that my birthday weekend is coming to an end...
I'm being such a brat! I'm behaving like a selfish shit! ...and I can't stop!
Add to that my HATRED of AT&T, and that all day I have been unable to call my mom or grandmas' because their service SUCKS!!!
And now I'm ready to force myself to go to bed!

goodnight. Tomorrow is a new day!

Really?

Los Angeles traffic sucks even late at night!

Now Thatsa Lotta Meata Ball!

Wow!

Okay, let me just say that I have so much more respect for both my grandmas!

Who knew that all of the amazing family reunions, Christmas gatherings and Sunday dinners took so much time and effort?!?

It's no wonder both my grams would rather eat out than have holidays at home anymore!

I just spent the better part of two hours; chopping onion, fresh basil, tomato and hand mixing three pounds of ground beef and pork with fresh bread (hand torn), Parmesan cheese, herbs and egg to make TWENTY-TWO perfectly round meatballs!

Then another forty minutes browning them to even perfection!

Oh the lengths we go through to please the people we love!

I have to say, it smells like heaven in my kitchen... Not quite as good as it does in either of my grandmas' kitchens... but I think all of energy, love and butter will be a HUGE SUCCESS!

Happy Birthday Bug!

Full Circle

Full circle.

No looking back, just full steam ahead;

There are no mistakes-

Release the fear and trust your path,

So far, not so bad;

A full life awaits!

Thirty-Two!

Can it really be?

My birthday has come and gone-

In the blink of an eye I'm a year older!

Thirty-two!

I don't feel any different. Yet the calendar says I am...

It's just a number.

But why do the numbers change faster as we get older?

It's just like Grandpa said; "It goes by too fast Mattski. Enjoy every minute- because one day you'll wake up seventy and stare at an old man in the mirror!"

I missed him yesterday!

He was right. It seems impossible that I'm a thirty-two year old man!

I knew this day would come, and somehow I feel completely unprepared!

...so basically I feel exactly like I did when I turned twenty-two!

I made it then, so I'm sure I'll make it now too!

Yesterday was a good day.

I'm alive and that's the beauty of celebrating a birthday-

The gift of life for another day on this planet!

It's My Birthday and I'll Smile If I Want To!

Thank God for the creation of Facebook!

Nothing makes you feel better when turning thirty-two, than to click on your Facebook page and see all of the amazing love you get from your friends!

I was overwhelmed with the kind words and well-wishes!

It's no surprise to anyone in their thirties and beyond, how fast the time goes!

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel today, turning another year older...

But I can honestly say that I have a smile from ear to ear, thanks to all of the amazing people I have in my life!

I was reminded today, thanks to Facebook and all of my friends that; "Wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world." -William James

I love that quote! The use of the word "wherever" resonates loud and clear.

No matter your age, occupation, successes, failures, adventures or anything else life throws at us...

Our friendships see us through until the end!

Question?

Should I be worried that I spent the entire day yesterday, with a drink in my hand? Or should I be more upset about the fact that I don't even have a hangover...

Don't get me wrong- I'm not complaining. I'm just not very proud that I have mastered the art of drinking all day long on a Sunday, and can still wake up Monday morning bright eyed and bushy tailed!

In all fairness to myself: I don't party like that every weekend... (It is my birthday week!) Plus, for every glass of alcohol, I drank a glass of water- so I'm only like 50% drunk...

Oh well, it is what it is! ...and I have at least another week of celebration! Don't even get me started on Cinco de Mayo! I'm just going to have to chalk May up as "The Party Month" and plan on getting things done in June!

Birthday Brunch!

What's not to love about brunch?

It's the best of both worlds... You get all of the satisfying breakfast food, topped with a layer of lunchtime favorites, splashed off with mimosa's galore!!!

There's something so wonderful about meeting up with friends on a Sunday around 11:30 and sharing in juicy conversation while stuffing your face and getting drunk in broad daylight!

When done well- brunch should stretch through the early evening and right into at least another three or four bottles of wine!

Today, I'm having a birthday brunch- there's no telling what crazy adventures are in store!

I just hope one case of champagne is enough!

May Day! ...and my Birthday Month!

May 1st! May Day! Or as I like to call it, the first day of my Birthday Month!

Yes, that is correct...

I'm a May baby. May fourth to be exact.

However, I'm the type of person who thinks birthdays should be celebrate all month long...

Is that too much to ask?

I guess I have my family to blame-

They always threw a huge parade in my home town every year on my birthday...

It was a weekend long celebration that rivaled something Disneyland would produce!

Marching bands from across the state, a city block's worth of culinary delights, banners and streamers hung across Main Street, a petting zoo, baton girls, clowns, a face painting booth, arcade games and carnival rides galore!

The fact that the parade was actually a "Blossom Day Parade" and not my "Birthday Parade" was something everyone in my family kept a secret from me until I could read, and finally asked how come all the signs didn't have my name on them?...

You can imagine the shock when I realized that this parade which had marked the kick-off of my birthday for so many years, was not for me, but for some stupid "blossoms" on trees that the entire city felt needed more attention than my birth!

I guess I really never had a chance at a "normal" life after that...

I mean really-- Once you've been lead to believe a three day festival of decadent food, brass bands and lavish floats is all in honor of your birth... an ice cream cake from Baskin Robins and a small gathering in Grandma's back yard is just not the same!

Action!

I'm up early for a 7:30 call time to set...

Thank God I'm just helping produce this web-series,

I don't have to be in front of the camera-

Believe me, the camera would malfunction if it had to shoot me right now!

In my opinion the only downside to making movies-

THE CALL TIME!

It's not that I don't like waking up at the butt crack of dawn;

I just don't like talking to people this early!

...that, and it's much harder to look like a movie star at 6 am!

Nevertheless, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to accept!

I LOVE to make movies!

Six Word Essay on Life

If I were rich, would I care?

I Hate Bad Haircuts!

How annoying is a bad haircut?!?

...I know, I know- it's only hair. It will grow back. But really?

I've spent a lot of time learning how to be very specific when talking to the stylist;

1/2 inch off the top,

no texturing please,

nice and tight around the sides and back,

taper the back,

no razor,

please don't touch the sideburns.

I don't think that's a lot to ask!

I will watch whoever is cutting my hair listen to the directions, smile and say, "No problem!"

And it's always a problem.

Stylist see my hair, and they love to fuck it up!

So even thought it's only hair, I have to spend the next month looking at it- too short on top, not short enough on the sides, textured worse than Clay Akin, and my sideburns take FOREVER to grow back in fully!

UUUUhhhhhggggg! There's not enough pomade, gel or paste to make this haircut work!

God- I hate bad haircuts!

...and a week before my birthday! I just wanted to look fresh and clean...

Now I look like Ryan Seacrest!

Lazy!

Laying in bed,

A lump,

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,

Yearning for energy to do anything!

The French Can Dip...

Haute couture, delicious cheese, bold wines-
The French know how to do almost everything to perfection!

But are they really responsible for creating my number one favorite sandwich of all time:
the French Dip?
...I think not!

Shocking I know, I was surprised to find out that the sandwich I have worshiped and adored since I was weaned off the nipple was in fact created right here in sunny Los Angeles! Though two restaurants in Los Angeles have been fighting over who was Le Original since 1908... My vote goes to Philippe's!

No matter how you slice and dice it... there are very few places that can destroy the beauty of thinly sliced beef, wedged between decadent French baguette and dipped in au jus!

So no offense to France- I still love champagne! But when it comes to sandwiches, I'll take a French Dip over a Jambon-buerre any day!

(But I'd like a side of baguette and butter to go please!)

Long Day!

It's official!
I'm old...
It turns out, I can't do an "all-night'r" and roll into work for a
14 hour day...
I'm beyond tired.
In fact, I can hardly keep my eyes open...
So little blog post,
I'm afraid this is as good as it gets!

Whoops!

I knew the day would come...
I'm sad. But on April 24 2010, I forgot to post a blog entry...
So all I can say is I'm ashamed and sorry to myself!
...and I will do my best not to let it happen again this year!
I'm cheating and posting this now... With yesterdays date!
Because I'm that kind of guy...

Saks Fifth Avenue!

I'm not ashamed to say it-

I'll admit that it is true;

I want to be rich and famous,

and shop at Saks Fifth Avenue!

Happy Earth Day!

I'll admit I'm not the "Greenest" person on the planet... In fact, I really HATE those energy efficient light bulbs! I find them to be sterile and ugly! I love the soft glow of amber light while reading in my bedroom....

Nevertheless, I am very aware of the change in our environment- and I want to be more involved in the effort to keep this planet I love gorgeous! I watch Life and Planet Earth on BBC... I see how lucky we are to live on such a beautiful planet, so I want to stop taking it for granted!

Check out these links for excellent (and easy) ways to help save Mother Earth:

Light Bulbs:

http://www.environmentaldefense.org/page.cfm?tagid=609&campaign=480

Recycling:

http://throwplace.com/

http://www.bottlesandcans.com/

http://earth911.org/

No more plastic bags:

http://www.reusablebags.com/

Reuse your bottles:

http://www.epa.gov/reg3wcmd/solidwasterecyclingfacts.htm

So there you have it! Thank you to my amazing friend (and Greenest person I know) Amy Claire for compiling this list of links! Go Big Green!

Memory Lane...

I just took a wild trip down memory lane...

I spent the morning scanning old family photos onto my computer and archiving them to a floating satellite in space somewhere...

This way, regardless of whatever act of nature that might one day inflict itself on my home...

i. e. flood, fire, earthquake, etc...

I will always have a digital copy.

I REALLY stress out about losing things. On top of that, I suffer from OCD (self-diagnosed) and so I feel the need to have multiple copies of everything achieved, labeled, cross-referenced and stored.

Plus, a bonus advantage was getting to upload all the goofy family photos to Facebook-

I mean if you can't embarrass your family on a social website, when can you?

The crazy thing is all of the emotions that came up while scanning the pictures! Seeing myself at age one, ten or fourteen is wild... But nothing in comparison to the pictures of my mom and dad with my sister and me before their divorce. It's startling- because I'm an adult now and both my mom and dad are happily remarried and have been for years. Nevertheless, it was a reminder that at one point in my life, the four of us were a perfect, happy family!

It was also tough to see pictures of my Grandpa Shaffer. He's been gone now for seven months, and it's just another revelation of how fast time passes!

That's the beauty and reality of life- The moments we share are special gifts in time. We can look back on them with fond memories, but once they're gone, all we have left is a peace of paper or a digital copy and whatever we remember in our minds...

Dirty Laundry...

I used to love doing laundry!

It's easy when you live at home with mom and dad in your comfy home, with their nice laundry room that's loaded with detergents, fabric softeners, stain removers and a beautiful front load washer and dryer!

Then you move out into the real world... where you're lucky to live in an apartment complex that has one ghetto washer and dryer in the dirty, dark, wet and moldy basement- sharing with all of the nasty tenants that live in your building. (You don't think they look nasty when you say hello and goodnight to them in the elevator...)

But boy do they prove you wrong in the laundry room;

gross hair clogging the never cleaned lint trap, random unmatched dirty socks laying in a puddle of water in the center of the room, empty soap bottles thrown everywhere (except the trash can that is over stuffed with rancid fast food containers...) Revolting!

And of course, some buildings don't have a laundry room so you're forced to go to a laundromat!!! Which I don't even want to get into!

Uhhhhggggg! I dread walking to my hall closet to throw my dirty clothes into the bin... because I'm reminded that I'm one step closer to needing to do a load of laundry.

Alas, I can put it off no longer! I HAVE to do a load of laundry today, or I'm going to have to wear my swim suit and a blazer... because I have no underwear left and all my shirts have stains on them!

Addicted to Pork!

Bacon, Pork Chops, Ham, BBQ Ribs, Pulled Pork Sandwiches, Pork Tender Loin...
It's just not fair that something that taste so amazing,
comes from a cute little animal-
...and that it's so bad for you!!!

But I love Pig!

Salt, juicy, crisp and delicious- The key to everything savory: Pork!

D. C. Vacation Day Three

I hate good-byes!

Today is the last day in D. C.
Our group lead the party like pros!

All and all it was a beautiful wedding and an amazing trip!
I think we had a most excellent adventure-

From an 80 degree sunfilled day touring The Mall, to a wild night of drinking and dancing at the Columbia Country Club and now freezing our asses off waiting for our shuttle back to Dulles Airport...
I LOVED every minute of this three day friend-fest!

D. C. Vacation Day Two

Hungover all morning...
Starbucks at 12:30 pm
Lunch in Bethesda-

...now a pre-wedding champagne toast in the hotel with the gang!
Congrats Ellen & Brian! We love you!

...and I love D. C. vacations!

D. C. Vacation Day One

Wow! Red-eye flights suck!
You know how you think you're gonna sleep the whole flight,  but then you remember that you can't sleep sifting upright on a full flight with no air for four hours...

But day one of DC vacation is off to an excellent start!
There is nothing more fun than traveling with close friends to a destination wedding...

Today, after landing at six in the morning...
We took the metro to the hotel we were staying at and because of a really nice hotel employee... We got to check into our rooms and freshen up!

After a ten minute Metro ride-   we did a ten cent tour of D. C. From the U. S. Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial... We covered The Mall and everything in between; the U. S. Botanic Gardens, the Smithsonian, and a glimpse of The White House...  Somehow we even lucked out and did not have to wait in a line through the National Archives!

We finished our two hour race through D. C. at a popular bar in the area and got nice and toasted by 3 pm!
Just in time to make it back to the hotel in time for a quick shower and costume change before our rehearsal dinner!

Yes. I think vacation day one is off to a beautiful start!  ...and the night is young! It's only 5:30 and there's an open bar until 10!

The Art of Packing...

When I was nineteen and on tour with Girodano Jazz Dance Chicago my eyes were opened for the first time in many ways-

I'd never been to Europe, I'd never been drunk before and I never traveled with Christie Kitchen!

The later, Christie Kitchen, was my roommate on tour.

The artistic director of the company thought it was a wonderful idea to have each of the company members share a room with their counterpart off stage...

This way when you have a shitty performance, you don't just get to hear about what a terrible partner you are in the wings off stage- but the conversation carries into the hotel room in Europe, where you very quickly realize, you will no longer be sleeping...

But, the point of this story is not to talk about all the drama that can happen between partners on tour- instead, I'd like to focus on the reason I'm most grateful for my roommate and dance partner for three seasons on tour! ....Christie Kitchen and The Art of Packing!

Christie, could pack a suit case like no other! All this, before airlines started charging for; food, water, aisle seats and of course.... bag check!

Christie was a pioneer! Her favorite thing to do off stage was unpack and pack...

I was always amazed at what she could get in the soft-sided duffel suit case!

My favorite highlights:

The fold and roll. Self-explanatory really, but the idea is to fold along the seems (to reduce wrinkles) and then roll toward the collar or waist to form a small "fruit roll-up" like shape. Allowing more room to stack shirts, slacks, and even sport coats!

and

The shoe stuff! Again, very simple idea... stuff whichever pair of (multi-purpose) black dress / sport shoes with all of your under garments and socks- Providing support for the shoes, so they don't lose their shape, and allowing perfect storage space for the necessary unmentionables!

Small steps like this take almost no time at all, save space and make traveling a little less complicated!

So Christie- You'll be happy to know that every time I leave town, I think of you! We had our ups and downs on the road- however, the gift of teaching me how to pack, is one that has saved me numerous headaches, and will keep me traveling efficiently for a lifetime!

....even if you did make me cry while you were screaming at me for bring two suitcases on a three month tour of Europe for my first time!

Mission Accomplished!

I ask you:

Is there anything better than an afternoon wine tasting?

Okay, maybe there are a few things that give the sweet nectar a run for the money...

But drinking large quantities of vino, paired with delicious cheeses and fresh baguette is a perfect way to spend a day-

You know that you accomplished living a full day, when you can barely string together a sentence before falling asleep.... zzzzzzzzzzzzz............ zzzzzzzzzzzz............... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............

Detox ASAP

Enough is enough!

I've spent the past week in a thick haze of gluttony-

I never have a problem overeating,

In fact, it's what I do best-

I love food. I crave it every second on the day...

Usually, I trick myself into feeling full by drinking gallons of water a day-

This week I haven't been able to put down the fork and step away from table,

Because of this, my gut is doughy and threatening to burst at any moment.

Two nights ago I was in so much pain that I though my appendix was going to explode-

I woke up at 4 a. m. with sharp pains in my side,

After a twenty minute google search and three articles on web MD about appendicitis-

I seriously contemplated calling an ambulance!

...Until I realized it was just horrible gas!

That's when it occurred to me that maybe I'm eating too much shit!

I know, I know... it's okay to have fun and splurge every now and then-

But with Summer, bathing suits and beach parties right around the corner...

it's time to say NO to the chili cheese fries, and hello to the garden salad with a side of vinaigrette!

Birthday Parties

Birthday parties in LA-

They're crazy because you forget your friends have other friends...

It's so fun to sit back and watch them all figure it out!

Rain Drops Keep Falling on My Head...

Rain falling outside-

A slow and steady Sunday.

Didn't do typical weekend things today-

But it really paid off for me!

I had a good day,

But I'm somehow still hungry-

I'm just not sure if the undernourished feeling is from a lack of food.

Hangover...

I have a cater-waiter hangover!

In case you don't know what that is;

I'm not sure why,

but I made it through my twenties living in New York city, NEVER having to work as a cater-waiter. I remember hearing all of my friends bitch and moan about how awful it is to serve rich people cold appetizers and tons of alcohol at lavish parties... and still have unhappy guest treating the "help" like shit. So I'm beyond grateful that I escaped that nightmare!

Flash forward to present day- and I find it delightfully ironic that at thirty-one years old... I finally got to be a cater-waiter! Though I must admit, my circumstances are entirely different!

I was working a dinner party for a wealthy friend of a friend. (Everyone has them in LA!) I was also fortunate to have three of my closest friends in Los Angeles working the evening with me... and the icing on the cake: the guest were not the only ones getting drunk!

I find that booze is a wonderful (secret) ingredient for any would be cater-waiter! So long as you can smile and flirt with the guest, make the host or hostess happy and carry more than one plate at a time... the world is at peace! Plus, I walked home with a cool wade of cash in my pocket at the end of the night! ...it's like I got paid to party with interesting rich people and three of my best friends- and the gourmet food and Veuve Clicquot was the happy ending!

Only downside... waking up today with a massive hangover! Oh well! Small price to pay! I wonder if I ever brought Debi Mazar that glass of wine?

Thirty-one Is No Twenty-one!

It's no surprise to anyone reading this, how fast time goes. I'm sure we've all had those flashes in time, where we think, "Oh my God! That was ten years ago?!?"

I'm not the type of person that spends too much time looking back. I really enjoy each day for the new adventure it brings. I guess that might be why I'm always so shocked when I remember that I'm not a kid anymore...

I'm thirty-one years old, and on most days... I feel like I'm still a teenager. I'm sure a large part of that is what I do for a living... I don't have a nine to five job. Everyday is a different escapade. I spend time creating imaginary worlds and playing pretend with other "grown-ups" trapped in make-believe land... AKA Hollywood.

Yesterday, I enjoyed an amazing day on the set, shooting a movie musical with a talented group of friends and colleagues. We sang. We danced. We laughed. We stood on our feet for twelve hours; hitting marks, missing marks, and (because it's a movie musical) take-after-take of lifts... I had a blast! There really is nothing I love more than creating! Whether it be on a set, a stage or my living room.

...and then I woke up today, and it hit me like a ton of bricks! The only difference between being twenty-one and thirty-one, is the violent reaction your body has the day after a mammoth event... Sure, you might feel like a rock star in the moment, but once your head hits the pillow that night- good luck! My body aches everywhere and the bags under my eyes are so large they'd most certainly have to be checked-in at the airport! Wow. I'm not twenty-one anymore. I wonder how I'll feel at forty-one!?!

Quite On The Set

I'm up early and excited to greet the day!

Today, I'm shooting a short film- where I get to act, sing and dance with one of the most talented and gorgeous girls I know! Autumn Guzzardi!

I'm also looking forward to being directed by the brilliant Jeff Payton!

It's always fun to make things happen in Hollywood.... even if it is one short film at a time!

...and we have to thank for this project: Joelle Sorensen! Our executive producer, writer and editor! Also, for bring on board an amazing crew and D. P. for this adventure!

In my mind, there is nothing cooler than working with friends on projects that make you happy!

Too bad I ate way too much stromboli last night for dinner... and now I have horrible gas and I feel like a fat ass in my costume! ...Oh well, that's showbiz!

Six Word Essay on Delicious Food

Overeating is what I do best!

...Oh no! Not Again!

I spent the morning in a sunny spot at a delicious cafe in Los Angeles...

The beauty of living in this city is that no matter where you are or what time of day, you know that you're going to be surrounded by creative people- making "things" happen. Which is presicely what I was working on...

Specifically, I spent time writing down ideas for my next go at stand-up comedy... I'm not exactly sure I'm prepared to get back up on stage solo and have people laugh at me...

Although, if not now... when? Besides- I go out of my way to live life on the edge, and for me stand-up is definitely that!

I swore up and down (after the last time I bombed at the Friar's Club in LA) that I would never do it again! ... and yet I sat happily today- laughing out loud at my own silly humor... let's just hope someone else does too!

Oh what do I care? I really have nothing to lose. ...and I have plenty to say!

Recently, I've felt a strong urge to get up and express my views and call attention to many of the absurdities in life that I'm fascinated with; like Kate Gosselin on Dancing With The Stars or why anyone watches Two and A Half Men?

And I know my friends are tired of hearing me bitch about these things and more...

So I might as well get up on stage and rant to an overcrowded, slightly drunk and bored group of people I don't know- maybe they'll think I'm funny!

Read A Book!

I'm positive my love for books grew from my Gram Shaffer's passion for reading...

I must have been five or six years old the first time I can remember going to the library with my Gram.

I recall every moment:

Pulling up to the beautiful old municipal building, with the large cement stairway leading up to the main entrance, walking through the front door hand-in-hand with Gram... The smell of the sweet, slightly dusty books that hits you the minute you step through the threshold. The mountainous rows of books that towered over me from every angle. Cherry red industrial carpet lined the path around the maze of history, Fiction and periodicals. The very eccentric and boisterous librarian (who happened to be my Grams best friend) greeted me with a big kiss on the cheek and handed me a stack of books that she preselected special for me!

Each with the delicious aroma of a hardback book, covered with a clear plastic book cover and scotch tape.

I could hardly wait to open the front cover and remove the index card that awaited my name (in pencil) and a stamp of approval with a return date!

...just when I thought it couldn't get more exciting... I remember being lead down a long hall to the basement, where a group of kids were already gathered in a small circle for "The Kids Corner." An hour each week, where local authors would come in and read their favorite children's book!

I could go on for hours about my pure adoration for books, but instead, I think I'll leave you with a list of my favorite books (in random order) and hopefully it will re-inspire you to get swept away in the wonderful world of a brilliant story and your imagination!

My All Time Favorites:

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb

To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee

The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

ANYTHING that David Sedaris writes! Seriously, I love them all!

...and most recently I'm obsessed with Jonathan Ames (I'm on his third book) Some are essays some are Fiction... all are honest, hilarious and brilliant... Story telling at its finest!

In case you were wondering; The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein was and always will be, my favorite children's book.

Easter

Everyone gathers to celebrate.

A sacrifice has been made.

So many things to be grateful for.

Traditions that are passed down.

Eating too much pasta and ham.

Rejoice!

Creativity...

The process is always different,

the feeling is always the same-

Creating a project with a group of talented artist,

who happen to be good friends is amazing-

I'm lucky.

I'm doing exactly what I love. Precisely what I dreamed of-

I get to play make-believe everyday for a living.

I'm not rich.

But it's a great life!

The overwhelming joy from seeing a project through completion-

priceless.

Give Me Chocolate!!!

I love Easter time!!!

Of course the prime reason to celebrate if you're a good Catholic boy like myself... is the resurrection of Christ.

Then there are all the fun things like; the Easter Bunny, brunch with family and friends at an over priced restaurant, the new Easter outfit that you get to buy...

But the part I get most excited about is:

The Cadbury Mini Easter Eggs!

I get so excited when walking through a Target or regional chain drug stores candy aisle around this time of year... that beautiful purple bag with the colorful logo!!! It takes me right back to when I was a fat kid hoarding all the candy that my mom would leave out for our Easter guests...

So far this year I've only consumed three small bags of the delicious candy coated chocolate eggs... Not nearly enough in my mind! Especially since Easter is only two days away, and the minute the holiday is over, those purple bags of heaven get ripped off the shelves until next year!!!

I'm pretty sure those devils over at the Cadbury plant lace the candy coating with heroin! Matter of fact, if you'll excuse me- it's time to go rip into another bag!

April Fool's!!!

APRIL FOOL'S!

I gotcha! Starbucks isn't giving away free beverages today...

But if you fell for my April Fool's prank, I will treat you to a home brewed cup of

Joe...

Just swing by my house:

Six Word Essay on Wanting My Very Own Washer and Dryer...

Having to use a laundromat is busted!

I Love Errands!

I love a good errand day!

When you wake up early, prepped and ready to get out there and tackle the mile long list of things that you've been longing to cross off- but weren't necessarily a first class priority...

You've got the major things like; taxes, car registration renewal, banking, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. etc. etc.... The chores that have to be taken care of on a daily basis.

Then come the things that you really want to do, but know you're going to have to put off until you have a day that doesn't demand immediate action... like today.

I woke up and finally got to run the errands that make me happy; gift buying, printing out photos, buying frames to frame for mentioned pictures, dropping off a book that you borrowed from a good friend two years earlier, a quick pop in to my agent to say hello and remind them that I'm free and ready for a big audition, a trip to Book Soup (my favorite independent book store in Los Angeles) to check out the new releases this month... Then make my way to Starbucks for an overpriced Caramel Macchiato and my final stop to the post office to send off some letters that I wanted to send to good friends just because no one does that anymore!

I know I'm such a geek, but I love to run errands! It makes me feel like I'm getting things done... even though tomorrow there will be another twenty things I need to take care of!

A Journal Full Of Codes...

I find it very bizarre that I try to withhold things from my journal.
I mean what's the point of having a secret place to share my innermost feelings, if I don't confess my true innermost feelings?

In the past, I've even gone so far as to write in a special code that would require remembering what each code word meant... I could write out a legend and keep it hidden, so that years from now when I was ready to write a tell-all book, I would be able to decipher my cryptic entries a la the decoder ring from the movie A Christmas Story...

It reminds me of when I was in middle school and me and my friends would try to invent a secret language so that nobody else would be able to understand what we were talking about... In the end not even we understood half of what we were saying!
No- this just doesn't work! The entire point of writing in a journal is to release the trapped emotions in a safe non-judgemental place.
So what if someone "accidentally" stumbles onto it, opens it and reads several incriminating confessions and then feels nauseated with guilt, like I did when I found my sisters diary in high school! ...life goes on!

Besides, what do I have to hide? I spend ninety percent of my life sharing too much information (usually to get a laugh or deflect a bad situation) and no one believes it's true anyway!
So no more secrets from my journal!

I'm only disappointed that during the darkest hours of my life, when the pain and sadness was so overwhelming and raw, when I truly wrote my deepest, most honest thoughts and feelings (and I'm confident the material would; not only make for an amazing book- but actually help someone headed down the same lonely road...) and I can't find the damned decoder ring!

Old Friends

Old friends sitting at a bar in Pittsburgh.
Chatting about the good times we've shared.
Gossiping too much about people we don't really care for...
Why?
Because sometimes at the end of a long day,
it's nice to just blow off steam and B. S.
I'm so lucky to have a career that was born of my passion-
I'm even more fortunate to have amazing friendships that have blossomed...
Life long friends,
Our paths continue to cross.
It's a small world!
It's an even smaller business!
I love it!
...sometimes.

End Of The Day Thoughts

The end of the day,

My mind is numb and blank,

Sat in judgment all day, with a massive hangover-

Visiting friends is fun,

Working the next day is not,

Balance is the goal, except when alcohol is involved-

Life on the road,

Starting to get old,

Ready to stay home, and make my dreams come true-

Chillin With Fagan!

There is nothing like a slumber party with your best friend... even if we are thirty-something!
Last night I landed in Pittsburgh, PA (I'm judging a talent competition here this weekend) and it just so happens that one of my closest and oldest friends live here!
Melissa Fagan, my BFF, greeted me at the Pittsburgh International Airport with a huge smile and that crazy high pitched voice we both use to shout our happiness to each other... "What's up bitch face!" (That's the term of endearment we use for one another.)

I met Melissa when we were both twenty years old! She was actually best friends with my girlfriend at the time... and we hit it off right away. Our minds think EXACTLY the same way! We share the same crazy, some what eskewd but still humors personality. We have the same thoughts and judgements of people and society... And most importantly- we LOVE food! In particular: bowls of ranch dressing and tubs of cream cheese frosting! (When we both still lived in New York, we would go to Dallas BBQ's restaurant and order way too much food, and then each of us would ask for a bowl of ranch dressing and proceed to dip everything we could get our hands on in said bowl of ranch!)

Needless to say, our friendship continued to grow from our initial introduction. Melissa is also a performer, and it turned out that our careers followed the same path... We both performed in the Christmas Spectacular at the world famous Radio City Music Hall in New York City! It was amazing to be on that stage and look over and see one of the coolest people I know dressed up and performing as a Rockette! For a short period of time we shared an apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan... until I realized how much I hated the Upper East Side and I moved out!

Over the past twelve years our friendship continues to soar to new heights! She and her boyfriend of eleven years are a major part of my life... We take vacations together, we visit each other and we spend a lot of time raging to one another over the phone about the crappy events of our day to day lives.

So, I'm here in Pittsburgh at Melissa and Marc (her boyfriend's) home... laying in their king sized bed watching morning talk shows... (Marc by the way is in Egypt... he is a dentist and is away for an educational trip)
Last night, Mel and I picked up right where we left off the last time we were together... Which usually includes bottles of wine, ranch dressing and chocolate! Not to mention a lot of gossip and laughter! The laughter is really my favorite part... She makes me laugh harder than anyone I know. I just love her so much because she is never afraid to tell me what she thinks, she doesn't hold back and I love that!

I'm not sure what kind of adventures we're going to share in this weekend... but I'm positive it will be wild and full of life! She inspires me to think outside the box (more than I already do!) I'm sad that Marc isn't here too. He's usually our voice of reason (which is funny if you know Marc) and he keeps us in line!
I can only imagine the trouble Mel and I are going to get into this time!

I Hate Airports!

I remember when flying used to be so much fun! Growing up in my family meant fun vacations and trips to visit the grandparents! I loved the build up, the planning, the travel agent, the cool flight voucher with the red carbon print out, the pre-packing, the re-packing, the drive to the airport, the check-in process, the boarding, the in- flight breakfast and if you were really lucky... the little honorary flight pin!
I had so much fun pretending I was an important businessman on an urgent business trip... Or a movie star on my way to an exotic location!
Yes sir, I LOVED to fly! In fact, the only thing I didn't love about the airport was saying goodbye.

My passion for flying continued as I entered the wonderful world of adulthood...
My first professional job was as a concert dancer in a well known international dance company.
I spent the better part of three years on tour around the world! I lived for it... As much as I enjoyed performing on stage, the majority of my happiness came while flying between venues! ...it was like a childhood fantasy coming true!

Flashforward twelve years and ask me if I still enjoy airports...
The answer, of course is NO! As grateful as I am to have a career that continues to grow, I no longer find the joy in being on the road. As an actor and performer I realize that travel is a major part of my job... Dare I say, airports and flying are what make my passion feel like a job!

Especially since the tragic day in September 2001, flying is no longer a romantic part of vacation, business or pleasure!
The expensive airfare, packing everything to fit in one carry on, the long lines at security, the nasty (under paid) airline workers, the grouchy travelers, the over-stuffed overhead bins, the crying children, the cramped leg room, the lack of a meal, the over sold or delayed flights, the list goes on and on!

I'm sad that even now, as I sit at a gate waiting to board my flight to work a quick gig and catch up with one of my best friends...
I'm over it! I just want to get to my destination so that I can put this full day of travel behind me!

I'm Going To Disneyland!

One of the great things about living in Southern California is Disneyland...

In fact, if you're a Southern California resident the theme park offers a local discount on their annual pass.

Naturally, I own one! As do most of my friends..

I spend most of my time behaving like a child, so it seems natural to get excited about;

themed rides, junk food and fireworks... Not to mention one of me and my friends all time favorite rides:

The hotel bar at Disney's California Adventure.

But today, I think I reached my max for a while!

(Please know that I never thought I'd utter those words.)

Alas, not even the alcohol worked at helping me deal with the long lines, ruthless mommies with their strollers and the over priced food!

No offense Mickey, but this mouseketeer is out!

I think I'm going to try my luck at the ghetto park... or as they call it in Valencia:

Six Flags Magic Mountain!

I Love Food!

You know those health and fitness guru's that always talk about how you should, "Eat to live..."

Well, I'm one of those people who "Lives to eat..." and I'm not ashamed to admit it!

The only problem is I hate how I look fat! I'm too short to be even a little bit overweight...

I just look like an umpa lumpa! Not to mention... the whole health issues associated to carrying extra weight! Especially as I get older, I'm more careful about what I consume.

For example; if I eat an In & Out Burger Double Double with an order of french fries "animal style" and a chocolate shake... Chances are I'm going to be starving myself the next day!

(I never said I had healthy habits to keep my weight off.... just that I want to keep my weight off so that I don't get adult diabetes!)

I don't think that eating disorders are cool. Nor do I have one. I'm just very careful about how many calories from fat I allow myself each day. Once I hit the number... all eating comes to a halt until the next day...

So you can imagine how frustrating it is when I have a dinner that I hate! Like tonight...

I had a very long and busy day and I knew that I would be more satisfied if I got through all of my errands and rehearsals and sat down to a big delicious meal!

Sadly, that decadent meal sucked! I'm not going to mention the name of the popular healthy chain restaurant, the one that has "fresh" in the title... But no part of my dinner was "fresh" or healthy!

I'm so pissed. There is nothing worse than feeling full and unsatisfied... Because when that unmet craving lingers, you end up raiding the kitchen for EVERYTHING just to try and make that nasty, unsettled feeling go away...

I imagine it's similar to what Oprah must feel everyday.

So, I'm going to force myself to do something that Oprah would never do... I'm going to bed semi-full and completely unsatisfied!

Six Word Essay on Healthcare

Healthcare should be equal for all!

Competitive Threat!

It's always fun to show up to work and get physically threatened by a colleague... especially when said colleague is 6' 2" and (I believe) a massive steroid user!!

In case you haven't read my past essays and aren't familiar with how I make a living, allow me to quickly fill you in on my adventures in talent competitions.

When I'm not busy performing or creating work as director and choreographer, I spend my weekends flying to cities across the country as a judge for several large talent competitions. Very similar to popular television shows like "So You Think You Can Dance" or for those of you who remember... "Star Search." The format for these competitions is very similar, minus the television camera and the fame! It's a big business... a lot of money and prizes involved for all the contestants, and once regionals are through, the winners head off to the national level and compete against the best from all across the country. Most of the big winners receive scholarships to study at professional conservatories, sign with agents and continue to pursue performing.
Because of the popularity of the fore mentioned television shows, the hype for these talent competitions continues to grow.
Dare I say, the competitive world is cut throat!

What I discovered today, is that the kill or be killed attitude is not just happening on stage, or even backstage between contestants... But instead, with the judges in our dressing rooms. (To be fair, I've really never had a problem with any of the other extremely talented and knowledgeable judges that I've worked with at any of the talent competitions I've worked for.)

I'm still in shock and horror at what unfolded in our dressing room during one of our breaks between award ceremonies.
Our show manager decided to hold a quick meeting to discuss some irregular scores between judges. This is fairly common while judging because you have three different judges, with different backgrounds and expectations. Usually a great panel of judges are able to evaluate each performer based on their ability to execute the technique, their performance ability and finally the judges' preference (because lets not forget art is really subjective.)

Well today, one of our judges did not see eye to eye with me or the remaining judge, who happens to be a good friend of mine, she is extremely talented and a Rockette! (Let's call her Rockette.)

(From herein, I will refer to the third judge as Steroid Head)

Our manager sat each of us down in the dressing room, and began by asking basic questions regarding our reasons for placing certain performers where we had... Rockette and I had very similar scores and comments and of course this set Steroid Head off! He immediately began to accuse us of conspiring against him, and rigging the competition. Of course Rockette and I defended our actions and assured our manager that our scores were fair, unbiased and accurate based on what we expect from a certain caliber of performer.
Steroid Head was completely raging now... He began to stand up and scream, he threatened to quit, he called us liars and despite our managers best efforts, there was no calming the 'Roid-rage within him!

Rockette and I decided that it would be best to steer clear of the Steroid Head, allow him his feelings and continue to score as we saw fit.
Just when we came to a calm in the dressing room, and our manager returned to the stage to get ready for the second round of competition, Steroid Head decided to engage us in a back and forth... He'd say nasty things to get a response (like most of us did when we were in third grade...) and we ignored him. He'd make an accusation, and we ignored him. He'd make a lame joke and we ignored him... Basically, we ignored him.

Well I guess you can only ignore a Steroid Head for so long, before they decide to unleash the explosive hormones inside...
Because that is precisely what he did! He threw a chair against the wall, jumped over a dressing table and came toward me with his short, meaty finger and held it to my face, just gracing the skin on my nose. The bulging veins on his face looked like
worms that were just crawling under the first layer of skin. His eyes were yellow and red and on the verge of popping from their sockets, while his nasty steroid B.O. invaded my personal space...

He said; "If you fucking say a word to me the rest of the day, I WILL FUCKING CHARGE YOU! You hear me, I'll kill you!"

Rockette was shocked and on the verge of tears, while I stared him directly into his protruding eyes and didn't lose eye contact until he stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

I have never in my life been threatened like that. I was really shocked that someone could get that crazy over a talent competition. Especially one that they aren't even in!!! It became very clear to me that Steroid Head was very insecure and felt threatened that his scores and critiques did not mirror that of mine or Rockette's... and therefor, he had to show us who was boss.

I think he made his point loud and clear... You should never upset a 6' 2" gay queen on steroids (allegedly) while judging a talent competition!

Rockette and I finished the day safely... We happily continued to ignore Steroid Head.

Five Reasons Why...

I love Gossip Girl and I'm not ashamed to admit it:

#1. Every single actor on that show is hot! (Even the maids, janitors and extras!)

#2. It reminds me of when I was in high school. Even though my life was nothing like that, I pretended it was.

#3. From time to time I miss living in NYC and it's nice to have a show like Gossip Girl to remind you that you have to have A LOT of money to really love living there!

#4. My life needs more drama from time to time, and that show serves it up hot and spicy!

#5. The music on that show is worth watching alone... I LOVE the music and new artists they play on that show!

Focus!

Do you ever have one of those days when you have a million things on your mind, a ton of work to get done and no energy to decided where to start first?

I wouldn't describe it as overwhelming or paralyzing... because I've had those days too, and this is definitely not one of them...

This is more of an excitement! I have so many cool thoughts, ideas and dreams floating around in my mind, and I'm just not sure where to start first.

Every time I sit down to focus on one thought or idea, I find myself up out of the chair and pacing back and forth thinking about something completely different.

Even now as I write this blog entry, I can hardly concentrate on getting the words out of my head and on to the screen.

Thinking will always keep you busy! ...and I really like to be busy. Otherwise I have too much time to think!

I know you can really only do one thing (well) at a time, so I give my best attempt at directing my energy on one task, and slowly work my way to the next project... However, today all of the tasks and creative ideas are bleeding together and I can't make sense of where one starts and the other ends...

I guess I'll just have to force myself to forget about all of the projects and goals for a minute, sit in silence and wait for an urge to jump out at me...

At least I was able to figure that out! ...and look I got my blog entry done too!

Just Stand Up!

A few years ago, a group of my friends here in Los Angeles started a stand-up troupe. Though we were all actors and had done a lot of sketch comedy and improvisation, most of us had never tried our hand at stand-up comedy...

So naturally it made sense for us to break our comedic cherries together! ... Because nothing is easier than exploring new territory with a group of your closets artist friends, and their HUGE emotional chips. (Present company included!) To make it even more fun, we decided to have weekly meetings in one of the members living rooms and "workshop" ideas and eat a fun "family style" dinner! ...like one big happy family! We called it "Stand-Up Salad" because we were an eclectic group of aspiring comedians who gathered and usually ate salad. (The idea made more sense at the time...)

Nevertheless, the first few meeting were a blast... we laughed, we critiqued, we argued and we drank... a lot!

Then the time came to do our first "gig" together.

I will say this, it was wonderful to have a group of people to go to the clubs with and have that support and laughter... to bad we were the only people at several of the first clubs we performed at!

I remember the very first time I got up, I was on stage and I saw the rest of my group in the audience, a homeless man, and the barista (the venue doubled as a coffee house) whipping up a latte right in the middle of my act... It was too painful, but in many ways was an excellent buffer for what was in store!

The time finally came, after weeks of living room meetings and testing our material at crappy coffee houses and holes in the wall around LA...

We decided to have our first show as: "Stand-Up Salad!" Which we did in a great space above Red Rock Bar on the Sunset Strip!

I was so nervous, we had a packed house and I was second in line to go up... When I heard my

name called a nearly shit my pants, but somehow made it to the stage and actually really enjoyed my set! ...it helped that the room was full of our friends who were drunk and ready to laugh... but all and all I had a blast. There was no question I was going to do it again. Eventually we started doing so well, that we moved into the Friar's Club of Beverly Hills and began performing there.

That's the thing about stand-up, if you have a great experience it's amazing... I would say the best high ever! However, if you bomb- GOD help you! There is nothing worse than being up on that stage alone in a sinking ship... and sometimes there is nothing you can do except plug your nose and go down with it!

Over time our group slowly faded to a glimmer of what we were... (I want to spare all of the gory details as they are too painful for me to EVER relive...) The only thing that is important to know is that; friendships suffered, there was a failed reality TV show and I had a really bad set one night and vowed I would, "NEVER DO STAND-UP AGAIN!"

You know that old saying, "Never say never" ...well dammit I should have listened!

I don't know if it's because I'm a glutton for punishment, a masochist or if I just love a good challenge... but something inside of me is dying to get back up and try it again. I'm not one to shy away from a risk, and I really think life is too short to waste it wishing I would have given it another shot... so I'm gonna go for it!

Let's just hope I don't suck! ...again.

Green!

When I was growing up the color green was always my favorite color! Everything in my closet was green. Green sweaters, green corduroy pants, green Vans, green stripped polo shirts... You name it I owned it! In fact, it got so bad that when my mom and grandma took me shopping for school clothes they had to bribe me with toys and money, just so I wouldn't pick only green things.
As I got older, I started to diversify my wardrobe... if you look in my closet now, you will see every color in the rainbow (Except orange! Orange looks awful on me!)
Nonetheless, green still remains my favorite color to wear! Just look at almost any head shot or picture taken of me, you'll notice a common theme: Green.
Green is the color of money, nature, the environment, rebirth, love and lust! Green also happens to be my birthstone: the Emerald! (May 4, 19none of your business.) Please note: green is also the color of this link.
Sure, green is also associated with envy and evil in comic book hero's... But aren't we all a little bit evil?
My favorite reason I love green: My eyes are hazel green. So anytime I'm wearing even a hint of green my eyes become the exact same color as the color I'm wearing... How cool is that?

Plus, I just found out that green eyes are "the least common color!"
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Be Yourself...

How much longer can I hide from the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
We all keep secrets in our lives... Some are well guarded and may even die when we do... Others are shared only with close friends and family, then there are those that we even hide from ourselves.
The degree in which we manipulate the truth from the world is an interesting thought to me...

I'm a control freak and the idea of releasing too much information about myself and losing everything because of it may be my greatest fear!

The balance between who we are and how we are defined is delicate.
In large part, people believe what they are told. ...and why shouldn't they?
I'm all too aware that the things that I keep private, are one in the same with why the people who know me well think I'm funny and creative. (Their words not mine.) My fear is that my over guarded nature may be holding me back from getting further along in my career.

A good friend and colleague in the business just confided in me recently. She said, "I'm so glad to see the real you! You're so talented, funny and relaxed! You really stand out in a room... For so long I just thought you were too uptight and afraid to let go. The real you is so much more interesting and enjoyable!"

It was very hard to hear because I take great pride in my ability to bring the real "me" to every situation. I was confident that I always brought the best part of my personality to every aspect of my life. When she shared her thoughts with me I realized that I was not as open and authentic with people as I believed I was, and it might be holding me back from living up to my true potential.

Ironically, the very things that allow me to stand out from the crowed and might be the final thrust that launches my career... may also define my career in one specific and narrow minded way.
Which sends me into a panic of epic proportions-

I think that as I get older, and I work in this business longer, I realize that the more unique, honest and unafraid I become; the more I've accomplished. So maybe it's time to give in to the real me one hundred percent! I've certainly NEVER apologized for who I am. However, I do know that I have walked away from opportunities because I was worried that it might have a negative effect on future career goals.

Not that I regret my past decisions- I just have a more clear (and I think mature) point of view now: The more confident I become in showing the world my authentic self... the more the world wants to see me! Life is too short to fear what people think, especially because they're going to think what they want anyway! So I might as well have fun and show the world my "A" game, so that at least it's a fair competition.

At the end of my life I just want to know that I followed my dreams and entertained people doing so!

Eat, Drink... You Know The Rest!

There is a time in life for restrain and a time in life to live to the max!
Tonight, I loosened the belt and gave in to an excellent night of;
too much food, too much booze and just the right amount of merry!
I had a wonderful evening with friends and family in LA.
...makes me grateful to be alive!

Text Me Gram!

I talk to my Grandma every day, and have for most of my life. I find great comfort in her voice and wisdom.
Recently, my Grandpa passed and as you can imagine, as painful as it was on me- it was tenfold for her.
They were happily married for fifty-four years. I've never meet a couple more in love, and I doubt I ever will.
After my Grandpa passed, I realized that life for her was going to be completely new-
...Just a few days ago I found out that my Grandma had never pumped gas before!
(She confided in my sister that "Pops" always did that for her...)
My sister called my crying, and my sister NEVER cries.
It's just little things that continue to spring up now that Grandpa isn't here.
Make no mistake, my Grandma is a very intelligent woman! Strong, passionate, creative and brilliant... Nevertheless, there are certain things that she never had to do, because when you love someone as much as my Grandpa loved her, you take care of them.
...Another thing my Grandpa used to do is remind my Grandma to take her pills... A few years back my Grandma was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. A devastating blow for everyone to hear, fortunately the pills that she has to take four times a day seem to really help fight the signs and allow her to function on a semi-normal basis (early morning and late nights are tough on her) but like I said, Gram is a tough cookie!

Once my Grandpa was gone, I realized that she would not remember to take her pills... which would cause the disease to rapidly take over her nervous system, and I am no where ready to lose her too!
I decided that my dad already has enough on his plate being the only son, and my sister has done so much for Gram already that I would be responsible for calling her on a regular basis and remind her when to take her pill...
I already call her once a day anyway... why not make it four! As luck would have it, my lack of a "real" job gives me privileges that most people don't have... time.

It's hard to believe four months have passed, and Gram and I have this down to a science. Because my time zone is an hour earlier in Los Angeles (the rest of my family live in Colorado) I set my alarm to go off an hour before... the first one wakes me up everyday at six a. m. sharp! I roll over, call Gram and she says, "Thank you! I'll take it right now... Love you!" and I hang up and go back to sleep.

But then there are those days when I have a mild panic attack. ...Today was one of them!
I go to call her on her home phone, and there is no answer. Naturally, I call her cell phone... and again, no answer!
The fear doesn't set in right away; first I call my dad, then my sister, then my dads wife, then my Grams neighbors... then after none of them know where she is, I start to freak!

She could be lying on the bathroom floor or on the side of the road for all we know! I'm all the way in California, so I'm no help. So I begin to dial 911... just as my Grandma calls.

Gram: "I'm here babe, I'm okay... I'm sorry. I was in church and forgot to turn my phone back on. I'm sorry I worried you!"

Me: "Gram, JUST LEAVE YOUR PHONE ON IN CHURCH! ...Everyone at my church does! So should you! I'm sorry, I don't mean to yell at you, but you had me worried sick! I almost called the police!"

(On a side note: I have to stop yelling at my Grandma.. She's seventy-four years old, she's not a child!)

I decided to come up with a plan. I'm going to teach my Grandma how to text message... This way, she can leave her phone on silent no matter where she goes, and I will always be able to get ahold of her! I can text message her to take her pill and she can text me back! I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this from LA, but where there's a pill there's a way!
I never thought I'd see my Grandma using a cell phone... so I don't think it will be that great a leap for her to figure out the text world. Let's just hope she doesn't find out about sexting!
Oh who am I kidding... she watches Dateline! She probably already knows!
I love you Gram!
P. S. It's time to take your pill!

On My Career...

Happily working to make it big, one low budget short film at a time...

Old Habits Die Hard...

We can't be perfect everyday, right?
Despite the fact that the past two months have been both a success and joy for me... I'm disappointed in myself today!
I realize that no matter how hard we try, we are going to have "off" days or moments where our spirits are down...
...and I know that focusing on the negative energy is much easier than forcing myself to seek out the positive.
What I keep trying to remind myself is that; although it's difficult to release the bad energy and just let go... When I have done so in the past, I experience almost an instant turn in fortune!
...so I'm not sure why I can't talk myself into giving up on the nasty ch'i and smile today...
I guess I just have to chalk it up to old habits...

I thought that writing about the issue would help me find some clarity, but all it has done is make me more upset that I can't even put a stream of thoughts down on blog, without judging the importance of what I'm saying or how poorly it's written.

I'm being a crazy freak right now! I just need to relax, take a deep breath, smile and let it go!
Okay, I'm letting it go in 3, 2, 1.... It's gone! ...it's not really gone, but I'm going to pretend it is!

Pick Up The Phone!.!.!. Please!

Why don't people pick up the phone?
I know EVERYONE on the planet owns one...
...I don't think it's too much to ask that my family and friends be at my beckon call...
Twenty-four, seven, seven days a week!!!
Isn't that why we have mobile phones? So that we can use them anytime, anywhere!
Uuuhhhggg!
I just need to ask you a quick question...
Fine! Don't answer!
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT!
Never mind!

My Car Is Homeless...

I can't even begin to describe the utter bliss I will feel when I no longer have to set an alarm to wake up and move my car twice a week!

There are so many perks to living in the Sunset Plaza / West Hollywood area of Los Angeles;

Great restaurants, shopping, night life, drug stores (I mean the kind like CVS or Rite-Aid not the kind with the big neon green signs in the shape of a leaf... though we have those too!)

Truly everything is within reach!

...everything, except parking!

Because I live in a desirable neighborhood, ALL of our street parking is permit only.

Which basically translates to this: Plan on spending about $100.00 a year on passes that you

affix to the windshield of your car, that give you permission to park on specific streets in the area surrounding your house...

Then, plan on driving around FOREVER to find a spot that isn't already taken by a fellow friend or neighbor! Then there are those people who don't even live on the street, but take the spot because it's free and they don't want to pay the $10.oo to park at The Viper Room or Whisky A Go Go... (They learn the hard way about permit parking when their car is towed and it cost them $350.oo to recover it from the impound lot with several dents!)

But for me, hands down the worst part of permit parking is the street sweeping twice a week.

If I had a place to move my car to, I would have parked it there in the first place...

There are twice as many car owners than parking spots on most of the street in Los Angeles, so on days that you have to "pick a side" to park on, it's like a fight just to get a spot!

...I'm not complaining... Honestly, I LOVE where I live.

I just don't love that my car is homeless!

I just look forward to the day when I can move a little further up the Hollywood Hill and my car will finally have the garage it deserves!

Don't You Hate It...

When you're in bed late at night, justing getting ready to fall asleep...

...and a stroke of brilliance pops into your head!

Too tired to wake up and fully realize the flash of pure gold that is sure to revolutionize your way of life, and possible millions of others too!

You don't even have the energy to roll over, turn on the lamp that sits next to your bed, and scratch down the idea in your "Amazing Ideas Before You Go To Bed" notebook that you bought for these very occasions...

You think to yourself, "it's okay, there's no way I'm gonna forget this!"

...then you wake up and you realize that you had this instance of utter genius, and you can't remember a damn thing!

Not even a flicker of the memory remains...

Well, that happened to me last night!

And I couldn't be more pissed off at my "glorious" idea and my lazy self!

Jonathan Ames Inspired Six Word Essay...

Los Angeles drivers really make me rage!

Bummer!

Oscar night is here! ...and I'm not.
Well, I'm here... Just not there.
...and by there, I mean at one of the four Oscar parties I was invited to... Not counting the one I usually hold every year too!
Instead, I'm stuck at DIA airport waiting to board a delayed flight... And because it's Sunday, ALL of the bars at the airport are closed, and because not a TV in sight playing the telecast!
So, I'm just going to have to hold my own Oscar party at 3 AM when I get home...
What a bust!
Oh well... Thank God for DVR!
Party at my place... 3 AM! I'll make pancakes!

Don't Judge Me!

I'm sitting in a theatre in the heart of the beautiful Rocky Mountains in Colorado Springs, CO.
For the past ten years of my life I've spent the better part of my weekends each year flying to cities all across the country working as an adjudicator for several of the nations top talent competitions.
Think "American Idol" meets "So You Think You Can Dance" with a splash of "Star Search"...
It's not as glamorous as it sounds. In fact, I honestly hate crushing the dreams of future show biz hopefuls!
There is nothing worse than sitting in a theatre watching someone perform their guts out...
...and I have to tell them that their guts are only worth a bronze medal.
I've been in the entertainment industry since I was ten years old (which I imagine is one of the qualifications that makes me a perfect candidate for this job) nevertheless, I have heard awful things along my journey...
Thank god for my super supportive parents who told me that I was perfect no matter what! ...along with my ability to live in a completely delusional world where I love everything I do, plus my drive to prove all those assholes that told me I'd never make it wrong!
Yet here I sit, doing exactly what's been done to me!
Though I must admit, I would never say some of the things that I've heard along my journey as an artist...
For example: I'd never say, "You'd be really talented if you just lost weight!"
Or, "You're really funny, but I think it's always going to come down to you and someone else, and the other person is always going to get the job..."
Just soul crushing statements, that have no relevance.
So please don't judge me for further encouraging the negative energy that goes hand in hand with the entertainment business. After all, I need to make a living too. Plus, from time to time I'm actually extremely inspired by the talent, passion and drive that I see in these young competitors... They remind me that there is hope for the next generation of artist and reinvigorate my idealistic outlook on the industry.
...still, it is very hard not to share with them that I'm their ghost of Christmas future! (Sorry Amy Claire I had to steal that line, it's too great not to use!)

...and I'm off!

My bags are packed, my boarding pass is printed and my ride is ready to go!
I'm off for my first (of several) gigs out of LA for the Spring season...
Today is extra special, because I will be flying into Colorado Springs, CO-

What makes Colorado so special you ask?
Well, aside from me... everyone in my family lives in CO!
So tonight, before the long weekend of work and no sleep, I get to have dinner with my dad and his wife and my Grandma Shaffer!
I think we'll have Mexican food!
...it's the little things in life that mean the most. (I'm talking about my seeing my family, not eating the Mexican food...)

On The Road Again...

Uuugghhh! I really hate flying now! There was a time when all I'd dream about was traveling;

family vacations, exploring new cities and being on tour with a show... I loved to plan my trip, pack my suit case just right, and set off to the airport.

Oh, how times have changed!

Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE to vacation, see family and of course when I get to travel for free because of a show I'm in...

Unfortunately, I DREAD going to airports nowadays. Between the stress of getting to the airport, going through the massive security line, barely tolerating the nasty (and really underpaid) airline and FAA employees and then being shoved on an oversold flight, in a middle seat with no air, food or entertainment!!! FLYING SUCKS!

It makes me really wish one of my childhood fantasies would come true.... That I could channel my inner "Hero" superpower and be able to fly on my own!

Nevertheless, I must wake up tomorrow and battle my way to the airport as my touring schedule as an adjudicator for a popular talent competition begins a new season!

I usually end up having a blast, and I'm always inspired by the talent I get to see each year as a new generation of artist compete to find their voice... I just DESPISE flying!

Fun Day On The Set!

What an excellent day! There is nothing better than waking up, driving to a set, and doing what you love...

Today I got to work with Megan Mullally, Rob Corddry, Malin Akerman, David Wain and more... on the set of the new TV show "Childrens Hospital" which will air this summer on Cartoon Networks: Adult Swim line up!

I was hired as a choreographer, thanks to a recommendation by my fantastic friend, Stacy Jorgensen!

I had a brilliant time and was able to snap a few photos too! It's a good thing I did, because in some cases I think pictures speak louder than words... Check out the joy in my

face in this one:

Organized OCD

I admit it. I am super OCD about organization! I believe everything has a place, and it should be put in it's place when not in use.

I come by this terrible OCD very honestly. My mom drilled it in my head from the time I was eight years old.

...MATTHEW JOSEPH SHAFFER!!!! ....GET IN HERE AND CLEAN UP THIS ROOM! ...AND YOU BETTER NOT STUFF ANYTHING IN THE CLOSET. FOLD IT AND PUT IT IN THE DRAWER OR BIN IT BELONGS IN!!!

...yes mom.

So really it's all her fault! Nevertheless, at almost thirty two years of age, I still stress out if I leave something undone. There are times when I can't even leave the house for a meeting or appointment unless I've properly; labeled, cross-referenced and filed something.

In fact, it's become a game I play. How fast can I: balance my check book, record the earnings in my Excel spreadsheet, label the category, make a note of it in iCal, and file it?

As of this morning, I'm down to almost 3 minutes flat for all daily balance activities!

But, in the grand tradition of trying to release and evolve... I'm forcing myself to relax a bit on the rules of proper organization. ...as painful as it is to see a stack of un-opened, un-filed, un-recorded bills and statements... I MUST REBEL and say NO! Filing is just not that important!

...But what is important is making the new labels for my matching white binders that I store all my important emails in (once they've been highlighted and three-hole punched of course...)

Got to go, the new label maker came in yesterday, and it has a cool new custom color preference!